Crystal Clear Blood

Floating_2

Can you smell. Fresh sent.

Paper cut. How can such a thin sheet of paper make me bleed so much. Red is the feeling. Realization of once was. Now literally pouring out of me. Will never be the same. Life reaped out before the blood had a chance to touch the floor. Splattered mercilessly on the ground. Truth concealed, false reality. I’m only human. More specific only one person. Not an immortal god, never had the juice. Red stains hindsight proof, lack of will power towards walking forward into an abyss. My sanity ain’t ready for this. Nostalgia had me. Caught up in a memory distracting from the sting. Focused on the inside, blood flows through my veins right. If all of it came out. I’ll die won’t I ? Constantly thinking about death now.

Don’t I,

History flashes before my eyes. Time a wall never to be touch but to jump back in time and forget all is a must. Remember, memories , take center stage, this can’t be real it’s a play. Curtains opened up to show me. Looking back the actors were bad, matter of fact if this is pulled directly from life. It’s looking kinda sad. Emotions and intentions don’t line up correctly. She smiling but from this third point of view I can tell she trying to hurt me. Although I’m smiling, all I see is a lost little boy. Tired and lonely. These are supposed to be highlights in my life. I was certain. Shit more pain. The cut opened up and worsen. Should be indestructible, only dealing with matter of “fact’. I was certain. Why all the extras and actors in the back row look like snakes lurking. Almost like with every new experience or piece of information. I see through more and more bullshit. While loosing patience.

Their I go again taking actions, clearly shady. Not as good as I make myself out to be. A fallen star landed and almost killed me. That makes it mines now. Mad that it shot back up and left me. Took it out on the nearest beautiful scenery. Left it ugly. The play continued. The pain traveled up my arm and just went loose. No Love could be found anywhere. One evil villain right after another entered to scheme and left to continue on with their dream. My Whole life, nothing was what it seemed. Burning question, what does it all mean.

Stuck In the Past

Stuck_

Only natural, looking back on it now. I went back, in the search of something. Still Surprised, found nothing. The future didn’t change the past. Lost opportunities didn’t randomly show up again. Ended up more hurt, than happy. Reason being, I never kept it together. Went with the pressure. Hoping one day, it just might let up.

Hopefully I’ll still be strong enough to stand back on two feet. Muscle atrophy, doesn’t sound as bad as it looks. Lack of Opportunities compounds in intensity, speaking truthfully, the ones I walked away from, turned down, let slip, didn’t take advantage of or simply couldn’t at the time. The toast is already burnt, let it mix with the smell of the apple that’s already rotten. I was so confused as to why it reacted with my body so violently. Should have been the perfect time to, make them new again. Mostly to blame. Sick. Hoping for anything new. Please.

Bad timing was the scapegoat. Too self-absorbed, preoccupied with structuring the events in my life-like sentences. Making them look like rhyming words. So whenever someone asked, “what’s up”. I’ll start to sing. Just how perfect and happy I am and the joy it brings. Skip certain seasons for me. It’s always spring. Trust this bed of lies and the flowers it brings. For whoever receives, fulfill my needs. Plant enough seed and sooner or later you’ll reap the benefits. Damn I look good.

Out here doing exactly what I should. That doesn’t live up to the standard, not an animal, came complete with manners. Refuse to let people know, that really. I’m nothing. Sadly it’s a messed up thing. Digging in the trash for a meal once past. Couldn’t even say I was hungry.

Collected the bones and pieces, scraped chicken, among other solid greases. Arranged them on a plate. All the while reminiscing, how much I enjoyed it at the time. Damn, wish I had that left over slice, thrown out, too full, couldn’t finish it. Currently this glass of water simply isn’t enough. Don’t want toast, didn’t pay attention and let it burn. Got this apple, the day before pizza. It’s too late for it now.

I’m really scared that their isn’t an opportunities on the horizon. The world is always turning, If I lose focus. Might miss it. Giving credit where its due. Eyes been blood-shot open long enough. This is tough. The ground isn’t far enough, still hear the tears at the end of the fall. Splatter, no longer feel them running down my cheeks.

Time didn’t roll back for my consciousness. Once a change, it will never be the same. Present view, framed by history, false allusion to my future. Always a mystery. lived only for tomorrow, dug through sorrow. A chance never had, only borrowed. Stand firm, an opportunity will be created, more than just fated. Stay true to the goal, hopefully. May you never fail too.

Frame it For You

Really this is for me, I need you to get the message. As you already know, most people don’t care about you. Unless something is in it for themselves. Let’s sneakily take a mirror, put it in front of our face. Attract people’s attention with themselves. Ironically enough we like to talk to ourselves through other people. Deep inside we believe, we stand alone, on top. Without equal, the best at being you is you. Tell a vivid enough story around the gaps and we can still get the picture. You are the “Gap” and the vivid story is the frame you are viewed in. Frame the “self” by the potential value it brings someone else. Force to interact with each other vicariously. Swallow bad feelings, conversation is fleeting. Agree to a couple of things, the transaction will be won. At the end of the day if you didn’t get something tangible out of it. Duped, lover-struck or sprung. Make mistakes, have fun. All by yourself if need be. Until you find the one. Whom takes down obstacles instead of putting them up. Talks directly to you, finally dropping the mirror.

You, Me, ohh and Money

Ever walked into a packed room and saw people doing a whole lot of nothing. Simply taking up the atmosphere, it’s a fancy place. Never a waste, people live at their own pace. I just feel we are experts, turn nothing in something. Money the root of all evil. Turned something into nothing. I refused to see the magic of society, constantly focused to be upset, by how tangible people, places and things are treated. Substituted by the inherently meaningless. No complaints, meaning is formed by whoever is seeing it. Safe to say we all see eye to eye.

Get money to buy things. Why not other other way around. I don’t know, really just going after what we want indirectly. Artificial steps added to an already paved road. Thanks to technology life got easy, years ago. I just find it silly people still die from hunger. Just eat some food, way too much, left to rot. Fed back to the ground. Owned by somebody else, only allowed to stand with consent.

The amount of money spent to live like a Shih zu, rents due. Never thought I’ll be jealous of the cars in the dealer ship, a couple of next doors, down. At night the indoor garage is heated. Rightfully conceited, how dare something be more important than me. Almost forget to mention, a couple of food safety lessons. If the animals get sick, you shouldn’t eat it too. What’s the point in bringing it up now, I’m healthy as a horse. Never really had dreams of being one too.

Luxurious dreams that once seems like magic, now mundane, comes true. Money can change our perspective, force it onto reality. Beatification of the struggle and process. Old and broke becomes new. Time and investment a joke, say it with your chest lil punk. If I needed toilet paper, buy it from across the world, have it by tomorrow ? You guessed it. Never leave it up to the magician to tell their secrets. I don’t feel as special when you can do it too.

Not as mystical, smoke and mirrors seen. Fake this whole time, yet still treated like shit for being real. Paid for by, more tears than blood. The books you sold. No value they hold, In a single sentence. No plans to share with others. Everything about what you said, meant to be brought and sold. Pissed off, volumes one through ten, discarded them. Return my idols and hero’s , no longer do I see them on the shelf. Tv, billboards, soda cans and social media apps. I don’t like the word proxy, let’s call it a trap. Not even a shadow’s, shadow of your former self.

Painted the future me, on the bottom of my shoe So, the world can feel it too. Stuck between a rock and a hard place because I never moved. According to society, people like me, aren’t meant to be part of the magic crew. Too much smoke, it hurts when I breathe, to many mirrors, all the issues I’m faced with, look just like me. Did, the Chicken or egg come first. Too many theories and possibilities, no one cares what you believe. Glass have empty or full still judge for what you choose to believe.

Today’s society, expertly Ill conceived. Check the dichotomy, seeing is believing. Years before my grandparents were born, I’m diagnosed with asthma. Regularly struggling to breathe, too much to deal with. Not caring to see.

Written for the Future meant for the Past

Turn off the lights, to be dramatic and then some. Honestly So I can never get caught, on camera, you have me mistaken, for someone else. Eyes, no longer on me finally easing up, to relax. From my concerns I detract, in my minds construct, waits a voice message for me. Still not ready to picture the reality, laying there waiting for me. Volume playing real low, the value not turned up enough, more so unconcerned. However, every time you hit, I lose an eardrum. Both my thumbs, stuck in to save them, rolling around on the floor. More bruises, didn’t matter to me. Even in the dark, run to pick up the pieces of yourself. Unexpected melody, causing me to react, always unable to respond. How am I supposed to jump back 700 meters, if you launch a glass shattering scream, in moments notice. This is a voice message, the duration unknown. Not even really communicating, patiently waiting to get all the information. Usually when stuck somewhere, here until ready, done dealing with whatever this is. Imagine running out the house after you took a bite of spaghetti. Second time, half the spaghetti connected to the plate, you heard a loud thump outside and laugh. Grandma screamed from the bad fall right after.

Refusing to see the signs, I contemplate my own meaning to the messages. A new perspective, one without really seeing. I’ve heard enough what more do I need. Really, what more can I take. I may not be the greatest music fan. Heck I don’t remember the last time I changed what I ate. Sometimes I find myself wanting something, when asked why, I can’t even speak. Everything is everything to me, this new discover, that’s what I’m hoping you’ll be. Unsatisfied with knowing only parts, out of your body I’ll kick you and forcefully try to become you. A minor dance with obsession, unless all in, you’ll never learn your lesson. Forgive me, that’s how I show how much something means to me. Everything I care about, carefully chosen. Only as great as the things that hold me together. Therefore everything is a miracle to me.

Blaming you is the first step, in knowing more of me too. Interestingly enough looking at, maybe, all I really did was project emotions on to you. Picture this, the sun smiling at me to brighten my day. Me claiming that to be fact, based on the assumption. Only things that love me brighten my day, when the sun isn’t up I’m not as happy. Always showing up when, feeling crappy. One day I got mad at the sun. Where, did you leave me to ? The day wasn’t quite the same without you. I couldn’t walk around proud too, knowing that you were always there when needed. This time, gone without so much as an indication. The only thing I went crazy for back tracking, how’d I go wrong, is my wallet. Credit card, ID, Social Security, Family photo and birth certificate found in different street corners. Honestly not, even wanting to being to understand. In a hurry to move on.

Please tell me something, after all this time nothing. Days have moved on. many replies still need from you. The one time I was hoping for no light. The sun creeps into the room. Funny, specifically made a deal with fate, not to see you today. Now you actively disregard my wishes. My mind fills in the blanks, your silence submissive. If you had a neck, choke hold position. Too bad you can’t talk.

If you can’t talk, I’ll talk for you. Accountable for my happiness, I’ll hold you. Granted you are only doing what’s natural to you, that I couldn’t see. When it comes to whats most important in life, it had to be me. You wanted, deserve, everything I wanted and then some because, you at least, still wanted me to be me. Not apologize for what I can’t see, I’ll make it up to you. Only when realized, I refused to see. Proud that I’m willing to make a future compromise. The real cause of the lights, a power outage. Open the curtain, finally comfortable alone. No longer fixated on the past. I knew it. Without light, I wasn’t thinking like me.