I Still Care

Frantically played unaware.

Unclear how unfairly I sought Justification. I knew It was wrong but, I would find a reason to do my dirt before long. Falsehood idealization. Lies repeated verbatim. I’m a good person, people made me do it. Honestly I had a lot of patience. Prerequisite to greatness. Standing in front the mirror only to look past myself. Flagrant, shameless. War against the truth waged.

Blinded by flames, set everything ablaze. Buy enough time to get truth seekers off my trail. Leave enough evidence to raise my bail. Natural life sentence on jail. Held secrets in a bucket pale. Water pure enough to cure any ail. Funny how we keep the facts at arms reach. Faker than dandruff posing as a snowflake. Purposely pour out the water when confronted. Greedily collected when successfully deflected. Hatred weaponized, turn poisonous disrespect.

” Look what you made me do.”
” I already knew. ”

Religiously play difficult, caused too much trouble to hide from my past. Imagine if I took responsibility for the destruction of my own wealth. So, I run. Through the heat, through the flames. Letting the fire burn. Bucket pale, may you one day cease to be infinitely chained. Until I stop turning tail. Nothing will change.

Bitches, hoes, Money and Woes

What did you forget?

Remembered. Only after, you’ve forgotten again. Memories moving in a geometric flow. Patterns explode. And there “I” go. Trapped in a Time capsule. Buried when ? Only the memory knows, never shows. Left with only a couple of words. Whenever told, sounds absurd. ” I’ve felt this before”. Only just touched down on the moon. It was an onion that put me in this mood. Cut of the ends, reveal the circles within. Symmetry, remove the skin. Only just the slightest cut. Tears flowing into ducts. Road ahead is still a must. Cleanly Sliced into two, put the halves back together, stuck like glue. No one would have knew.

Remind me, my other half is missing, A third of me gone. Down to two. First things first stay well slept, if you decide to mess with a bitch, that’s mad, she ain’t a hoe. Please forget the particular people that don this cloak. Like to be mad the moment, they are woke. Range from anything to a joke, or out of turn, someone, spoke. They lucid dream onto the scene, do anything to break that, you’re the one being mean. So I’ll set myself up, enjoy the rush nothing better than a reason to commit treason. Attitude change like the seasons. Close attention feel it coming. Even in a dream you don’t have full control.

Lost in this onion scroll. Dicing now, regain self control. Onion only just a minute ago used to be whole. Meant as a joke, the moment it entered the premises, the future became history. The onions that, only just, died here ? Ain’t no list for me. Finish, use the next one, to remember when the last one was whole, complete. What a feat put life on metaphoric repeat. Cut off the ends, reveal the circles within, scan top to bottom, the smallest circle out of symmetry. Forget the day you lived life like a hamster, a bump hit my ball, causing me to fall out and see.

Blinded by the broken glass, couldn’t read the situation. Hoes get to you, no capacity for patients. Even for myself. Always feeling sick. Love to chase the get well. Suit of armor for anyone who wants to live life at a faster pace. Understanding death is one of these days. Get to the goal literal race, no face to face on the go. Got to run up besides and see only half the face. Thank goodness I run backwards fast with grace. Practice running from problems putting the future behind me. Focused on the past, although from this far away everything looks so tiny. That ball was more than a home, everything I knew.

Whatevers in the way, be it pain. Cut loose. Cut one Cut two. Dicing. Almost through. Onion all exposed, multiple faces. Who they really are ? Can’t seem to know. Whole lot of nothing and it shows. Yet still love me some cubes. So much to know. More cuts, more parts of myself to be exposed. Lets not get lost on the road, 13 more onions to go. Cutting my way up the food pyramid. I want me a wholesome girl. Yet still refuse to cut the shit.

We got problems. I admit.

Giving it All I got

       Please take my innocence, if that’s the requirement, to never worry about a penny spent. From my experience, time, energy and dedication simple doesn’t cut it. To get, I must first receive, So here I am with my forehead on the ground lower than my knees. Refusing to beg and pleased, therefore a pray. To the ones heaven-sent, fell down to earth just to steal from the penniless. Humanity forced into a false reality, nothing is more real than money.

    Devils walk and stomp the earth. Sad to say it’s their turf. Within the artificial grass where I lurk. Those who came first, did, and did away with the dirt. Nothing could possibly grow here. Curse not being born first. Second child, only able to stand in close proximity to a smile. Even without ears, you can still hear. The sadness distilled by madness. Tragedy now a regular everyday occurrence.

    Even better for you, if you don’t quite get the reference. Devils never walked the earth. Truthfully, just other people, like you and me. A vendetta to the moon and the stars, for they are constantly above them. Even I sometimes feel nothing should be above me. If I can’t have it, no one can, burn everything down, burn everything around. That way, it’s just me. A sole existence. Cremation to the sensation, artificial grass inhalation.

Surrounded on both sides, for even my hands don’t work for me anymore. To tired, when the day is done to do anything for myself. For this is the last day. Tomorrow I will get paid. Buy a bed, with some silk, smoother than milk for my head to lay. Malnourished only dreaming of better days. I want it all because, without it I feel so small.

Truthfully Speaking The Truth Will Not Be Spoken

Walk around in a familiar space. Eyes wide shut, won’t open. Surround by everything, can barely tell the difference between anything. Situation hopeless. Even the ground doesn’t feel like it’s there anymore, given enough time. The fastest way to loose your mind, never hold it together. Allow the body to continually, purposely disagree with it. The split between who you are and how you see yourself. Isn’t getting any closer, hurry to jump to the other side. Full sprint, stop at the divide. Look inside. Same, nothingness that traps you. Miss the jump, fell inside. What series of events, fact patterns or personal decisions does one need too make. Only time to feel alive, when inside and outside hurts like we died. Arguments only, never a negotiation. Talk purely in extremes, this intensity will surely be felt. Tightly constricting belt. Same ones, some adults take off and beat kids with. No negotiations, surely this purely extreme feeling will be felt. Whatever it is, after this, positive you’ll never forget. Tiniest of pain hurts a lot, given enough time. Funniest thing about pain. How it spreads.

Don’t for get to like ! Especially if any line resonates.

Written for the Future meant for the Past

Turn off the lights, to be dramatic and then some. Honestly So I can never get caught, on camera, you have me mistaken, for someone else. Eyes, no longer on me finally easing up, to relax. From my concerns I detract, in my minds construct, waits a voice message for me. Still not ready to picture the reality, laying there waiting for me. Volume playing real low, the value not turned up enough, more so unconcerned. However, every time you hit, I lose an eardrum. Both my thumbs, stuck in to save them, rolling around on the floor. More bruises, didn’t matter to me. Even in the dark, run to pick up the pieces of yourself. Unexpected melody, causing me to react, always unable to respond. How am I supposed to jump back 700 meters, if you launch a glass shattering scream, in moments notice. This is a voice message, the duration unknown. Not even really communicating, patiently waiting to get all the information. Usually when stuck somewhere, here until ready, done dealing with whatever this is. Imagine running out the house after you took a bite of spaghetti. Second time, half the spaghetti connected to the plate, you heard a loud thump outside and laugh. Grandma screamed from the bad fall right after.

Refusing to see the signs, I contemplate my own meaning to the messages. A new perspective, one without really seeing. I’ve heard enough what more do I need. Really, what more can I take. I may not be the greatest music fan. Heck I don’t remember the last time I changed what I ate. Sometimes I find myself wanting something, when asked why, I can’t even speak. Everything is everything to me, this new discover, that’s what I’m hoping you’ll be. Unsatisfied with knowing only parts, out of your body I’ll kick you and forcefully try to become you. A minor dance with obsession, unless all in, you’ll never learn your lesson. Forgive me, that’s how I show how much something means to me. Everything I care about, carefully chosen. Only as great as the things that hold me together. Therefore everything is a miracle to me.

Blaming you is the first step, in knowing more of me too. Interestingly enough looking at, maybe, all I really did was project emotions on to you. Picture this, the sun smiling at me to brighten my day. Me claiming that to be fact, based on the assumption. Only things that love me brighten my day, when the sun isn’t up I’m not as happy. Always showing up when, feeling crappy. One day I got mad at the sun. Where, did you leave me to ? The day wasn’t quite the same without you. I couldn’t walk around proud too, knowing that you were always there when needed. This time, gone without so much as an indication. The only thing I went crazy for back tracking, how’d I go wrong, is my wallet. Credit card, ID, Social Security, Family photo and birth certificate found in different street corners. Honestly not, even wanting to being to understand. In a hurry to move on.

Please tell me something, after all this time nothing. Days have moved on. many replies still need from you. The one time I was hoping for no light. The sun creeps into the room. Funny, specifically made a deal with fate, not to see you today. Now you actively disregard my wishes. My mind fills in the blanks, your silence submissive. If you had a neck, choke hold position. Too bad you can’t talk.

If you can’t talk, I’ll talk for you. Accountable for my happiness, I’ll hold you. Granted you are only doing what’s natural to you, that I couldn’t see. When it comes to whats most important in life, it had to be me. You wanted, deserve, everything I wanted and then some because, you at least, still wanted me to be me. Not apologize for what I can’t see, I’ll make it up to you. Only when realized, I refused to see. Proud that I’m willing to make a future compromise. The real cause of the lights, a power outage. Open the curtain, finally comfortable alone. No longer fixated on the past. I knew it. Without light, I wasn’t thinking like me.