Let Go of Everything

Never had much in the first place, this should be an easy task. Won’t hold back, thirsty so I’ll drink straight out the bottle. Hard to see, the only things that held you together vanish like a memory. This bottle is finished, barely remember drinking it. Thinking steadily, hands open readily. Drop any and everything known to me. It was over in a second. Stuck with the after taste for a couple of minutes. Never had much, what’s the fuss, hold up, attachment. Still found myself scrabbling for more time as my identity dared to hit the ground. Maybe if I hold the bottle upside down long enough. Residue will join hand in hand, flowing with gravity to form a droplet. Just enough for me to have a taste once more. In actuality, a common fallacy. What shot to the ground was me. Imagine a baseball player diving for home run. How else was he supposed to make it.

That’s what it felt like. Suspended in mid-air, hold the thought there. This is the source of my issue because, of this feeling I’ll dis too, mistreat, chop of feet and even, strangle the life out of somebody. All my life I’ve been known as the good guy. Worked hard. To get put up, this high in everyone else’s mind. Take that from me. Sure sounds a lot like death to me. Who would I be. What would other’s see. Need outside opinion to be complete. Not ready to take that second step into the unknown. Forever in the zone, safer place than home. Upon a throne, wining at this game called life alone.

If I’m a winner. What reasons do I have to be so desperate to win in this moment. Look at me, going so far as to, one-up myself. At the sake of my own health. Drop everything I’m doing if that means I get the chance to show off. Diving for nothing there. Since when is identity just the parts and not it’s entirety. The disgust felt, watching myself now, tiring. No wonder, most people just give up when around me. How you out clown a clown. Out ass an ass and live with a man who is only comfortable when everyone else isn’t. You just kinda give him what he wants. You can tell he really needs this.

Even with all this, Feelings still in a free fall. Who would I be without this. Dumb-ass, you’ll still be you. Although true. I’m more afraid of finding out who I truly am. A bird or a rat with wings. To fall down is to be weak. The thought, feeling, a little tweaked. Falling. Have yet to truly fell. Stay suspended in hell. Funny though, for an illusion I clearly fell. My identity was mines to begin with. Proving it, is the next step. Don’t know how, no confidence to figure it out. So we shout. Acting proud all the while dumb found.

Silly of me to cling onto a cloud. Every changing, parts rearranging. Even if It flipped upside. Took the shape of a clown, Poor sucker, lazy fucker. It would still be a cloud. Inspire to be just like a cloud. That thought came to me the moment, I allowed myself to fall down. Eat dirt, stained my shirt, no longer a player, didn’t make it back  home to first. Oh well. Things could always go better or worst.

Fear, You came for me

More to the experience, than meets the eye. First, it starts with a thought. One like any other. “I don’t like this”. Imagine a quiet whisper, followed by the bang of a drum. Vibration circulation action articulation. Body and mind move as one. Dry throat try to swallow. Sweat drip down the back. Still shaking, confidence breaking. No mistaking. A sickness settles in. I’m down for the count my friends. Middle of the chest, slow movement to speed up the heart, a little to the left. Grab it, before it breaks loose. This body is no longer safe. Poison thicker than paint. I downed the bucket like a shot of rum. Live through this a couple of gray hairs are deserved. Fear this sweet strictly unheard. Physical manifestation of my worth.

Anything for a dollar. Tighten the tie around my collar. Pain helped me appreciate breathing. Sensation of leaving, pleasing. Now. I know, I once was, happily on my way.
Convulsions going in an upward motion. This the notion, about to throw up. Better yet hold it in, never leave behind my kin. Mind and body just broke up again. Better than the alternative, showing any signs of weakness. Leave my enemies, happy, speechless. Sickness will forever be a part of me. If I was a tree, let the termites hollow me. All the way through, didn’t think this. Made evil my mistress all because I rather something…sorry someone to sleep with. Miss step in the right direction.

Internal reflection. Learn by inspection. What reasons do I have to put my heart out there, without a care. Unfair trade, constantly targeted for play. Never truly challenged face to face, heart to heart. Left mines to go searching for another in the dark. The unknown, is my life spark. Confident I can always find my way back to me. Loneliness is attracting. From my real problems, detracting. Happiness acting. Always laughing. I want to giggle like a baby from a tickle. Living my life so fickle.

Now I’m afraid of anyone willingly to lend and ear. Do they really care. Afraid to share, even for myself, ear plugs, brought a pair. Got a new tattoo. A scar , willfully put there. Keeps the memory potent whenever I look, until then unaware.

Imagine every time you spoke, the ones closest to you took it as a joke but, your jokes are taken seriously. When ever you felt uneasy they appeared mysteriously. Then again who’s to say the egg came before the chicken. Right in my eye, blind sided by intentions, won’t forget to mention poison is relentless. The greatest test, during time of distressing. Constantly mind messing, character and idea pressing. Around you, couple of seconds of second guessing. Added over time, “I don’t like this” rings louder. Pain trickles down my spine.

Someone to humble me, mumbled me. Obstacles need to grow. I was missing. “You’re actually trying to hurt me ?” I was dissing. Tables turn, lesson burned, looking over my shoulder pissing. Didn’t think their was any reason to go this far. How you pay that guy to ram into my car, my child was in the back seat. Afterwards brought me a cup of juice, help to get loose. Take my mind of things. Really you want to see me fall, never make it all. Perfect.

I need someone to watch me. Been alone up until now thus far. I’ve been trying really hard. Look at all these scars. Please watch me. Never need to go far. Just wanted a home where I didn’t feel so alone. More than just anger, more than just sadness, frustration, sleep deprivation, meanings lost transnational, happiness, pain, pride, joy, every emotion I’ve ever known. Plucked by insanity, slammed back into my heart by gravity. I’ll give you everything. So please help me understand why I feel so guilty for being me.
 

Castle on the Equator

Insta_CastleI never realized. Just how much of my own misfortune, in life is predicated by my own feelings, thoughts and actions. My feelings are never clear in the beginning. My thoughts take them and pick them apart. My actions come from the conclusion of my interpretation. My inability to face my feelings, left my actions without thoughts. Hollow and without purpose. Look, someone in the eyes, you have no choice but, to feel something. That being said, the inability to face myself and see who I truly was. Wasn’t acknowledged until I met her. We will call her ” Strictly by her name”. 
 
Whenever I looked into her eyes. I saw something deep within myself. It wasn’t clear It was misty and every changing, waiting for the day it can reveal itself. That day came when I looked her in the eyes and instinctively pulled back. The mist was no more. A tropical island with a lone castle at the top. Took its place. 
 
“My feelings always manifest itself as thoughts and patterns 
 
“This is what I’m thinking when I see her. This is what I didn’t want to feel or face. So, I turned away. 
 
” I want to be able to look her in the eyes, with confidence, without worry without fear.” 
 
“To do that, understanding this construct and the meaning behind the feeling is the only way 
 
My Castle 
 
The entire island is an extension of my being. The plants, geography, everything insight was and is a part of me. To understand the island is to understand me. The castle had no exit. I never stepped foot outside. What reason did I have? Comfortable with the known, the unknown didn’t matter. Every crack within the cold stone was categorized and cared for. I knew myself and the parts known were all too wonderful. The outside looked medieval, imposing and unpleasant. The inside was full of modern, heck futuristic amenities. Diverse luxuries dispersed throughout.  
 
You didn‘t like me, it was your own fault. You didn’t take the time to get to know me. You saw the castle walls, said you knew it all. Decided, I wasn’t worth the trouble at all. Never took it as an issue, I wouldn’t get along, with people who judged a book by its cover anyway, never looking to understand. The castle worked in my favor. 
 
I was chilling having fun, all be it by my lonesome. Happy with myself  before others had a chance too.……Her boat hit my shore. 
 
She stepped out, almost as if in slow motion. 
 
“I was so fixated, taking in as much of the moment as possible. Time slowed for me “ 
 
The way she moved. Her emotive and expressive personality. Care free, unconcerned with outside opinion. Playful and beautiful. The wind picked up and sent sand headed straight towards her. She danced, flowing around and through, each segment, missing her ever so slightly. It wasn’t a threat to her, she played with it.  On second look, no foot prints were left in the sand as she walked. 
 
Ohh, I’m just seeing things, I need to lay off that shittt 
 
She started skipping, jumped to the top of the tree. Looked directly at me from miles away. Smirked, turned her head, uncovered her hair and shook it. Almost as if to say, I see you, over there interested, you can’t accomplish thing way over there. Why not come here? Then just like that the wind carried her somewhere else. 
 
I have to meet her. I have to know more. Who was she! 
 
For the first time, I found myself outside of the castle.