Mindless pleasures

Stand still for a minute. Think about anything.

Just not how you’re standing.

Habitual ritual, deserves some explanation. A couple of steps back. Begin tracing, let’s call it. When the season change. See the earth is not yours it mines, took me a long time. Next stop the top of it. keeping eyes open during the drop. Seen it all.

First the beginning of Fall. All my deep seeded troubles lead back to a time when I was clueless to the movement of the wind. Whispers as attacks are harder to shake off, let the weight off and make off with a sprint. Face plant, trapped in a box,. Poked holes, my image, self-worth, pride, desires, personality traits hard-wired. Could have said you can’t change a tire, patience Stretched thin. Real me coming out the seems. Ready to devour all the lines and everything in between. Abuse, more quietly mistreat, tornado of soot. Whole front half covered, other side is clean, there I planted a seed trying to grow a tree. You don’t even have your own back covered. Fearless one must be, turn a blind eye, let it lay witness to why trees have falling leaves. Old habits that couldn’t make it, colors on the ground beautiful. Cannibal leaves take place. Grow with haste, all about the chase. Winter whispers on the way.

Seen the end and all.  Frozen in mid-air nothing can fall. Holding on tight, grabbed onto the fabric of life. Slow inducing fright. Time likes to play, it sure played me. When I hit, i’ll shatter like glass, anything touched on the way down broken too, unintelligible. Luck on the side, put me back together, had to learn, with what this weather concerns with. wrong elements create tension when mixed, all ready fixed, won’t play pretend. Mistakes figured, so long retention. Back in action. Stay up on the count of peeps, sugary sweet. Every slight twitch, you been caught by “distract “. The whole story just been faxed. Whatever you do left up to interpretation, that mines now in fact. Saw a child pass and you walked right after him. Such a shame, presentation to blame, slow footage warps brain. Slightly different perspective on things. Movement is proof. Specially in cold rain. Dirt inspector. Turn heat injector. Spring trifecta.

Flowers, warmth and grievance. Hindsight achievements now that winter is leaving. Transaction, sold everything I believed in. For a feeling this pleasing. No receipts. Worried by how long this will last. Got what I wanted, never want what I got. Middle of a meadow found a spot. Put your heart at the center of it all. Didn’t do it right unless I catch anxiety while breathing. So little to believe in. Arrangement of the presentation eye candy decoration. Real fruit mixed in with fake fruit on the dinner table. Pick one that doesn’t hurt when you eat. Starve for 40 days, everything hurts when you eat it. Over abundance, nuance redundant. Giving really is a fearsome trap in fact. Guilt, reason for the UN-relax. Went through life taking whatever they gave me, save me. Inch given mile taken,Spring of happiness needs time for relapsing. Sleep with your back towards the world face in a pillow, the tree I see, you’ve grown into is a weeping willow.

Summer the pseudo hero.  Heat once consider a miracle, spiritual, circle of life spherical. Now I hate the innocence in a child’s eyes. Reflection in the mirror too over baring. More distant between the earth and the sun is what there should be.The sun, anything I every wanted for me. Getting to close, watch how what I want is the very thing that burns me. Confusion concerns me, slightly more innocent than anger. Hoping no body heard me. The way this heat is going, you can cook an egg on the ground. Might not like how that sounds but, if the egg is what you gave birth. People will steal and make sounds much worst. All your hard work ended up in a hearse. Misconstrued heat say. Dare say. I’ll miss pay.

Now think about how you aren’t standing.

Line me up for the flex

Easy to be upset, hard to forget. Less stress equals more blessed. Better tomorrow pressed. A known associate of mines, okay a family friend. Alright, my own ***** tried to set me up. Set me up how and for what you ask, a never-ending question the answer must be explored like a jungle not toured like a museum. History scattered, remains intact, feeling some thing is missing, hidden or too distant, keeps me driven. I drove right into a village whose history is a constant pilgrimage. Left behind, to play catch up, forgotten self sabotage makes sure a realization never adds up to the truth. Whatever that maybe for you. Justification to blame others for his problems. This is my answer, this essay written to fight the truth, disprove and let loose feelings forming into a noose. The conversation starts off regular, how was your day ? How are you today ? No, I didn’t know about that. Regularity sets the pace.

As I walk away, back turned heading down the stairs. He calls my name. Some what strange. Like he knew but, didn’t know who he was talking too exactly.  Since you heading that direction, go check in the bathroom, look up at the ceiling, tell me if water is dripping. Okay, you want what ? now ? Check the bathroom ceiling and see if water is still leaking. Still ? Without searching for it intentions subtly revealed. Intentions and outcomes is a wholesome meal. Let them tell you, instead of telling them what they are doing. Too many chefs ruin the pot and I like to eat a lot. I’ll hold this small spot on the ground and sit there. You’ll tell me everything you want me to hear. I’m prepared.

In the bathroom there is a bucket under the leak. Lord bucket, captured by mystique. Silent form of grief. When unable to speak, will be felt rolling in the sheets trying to sleep. A task already completed, my reasoning defeated, there I stood with a half empty bucket. Still didn’t see the issue we have time before we need to switch the bucket it out, when it doubt positivity comes out.

I come back up. Before I even tell him, he’s already answering his own questions. The water there ? It’s still leaking ? The bucket I put there filled ? Wasn’t fast enough to reply, listened to the rest of the monologue. He sucks his teeth, looks away and tightens his fist, rage locked in his glints. I ask…..

You just wanted me to tell you ?

No, no I just wanted to know if it was leaking and where the leak is coming from. Line me up for the flex, Shoot the messenger. Lately, whenever I enter the room the conversation turn frustration. Exit and it starts dissipating. To cope, I lie. Everyone just hating.