Sit Down

porch_2

Tear drop falls into a pool of water, ripple effect. A calm, alertness. The human body is mostly comprised of water. The feeling of someone talking directly to you. Almost through you. ” What’s he going to say next”. Nothing else matters expect that. Next few seconds listen intently in fact. Tunnel vision, know where I gotta go. Well known, what I gotta do. Driven down this road before, focused on distractions in the rear view. This time the ride down is accompanied by a water drop. ” Wasn’t crying, only one tear got away”. Ways to deny the fact you’ve reached your lowest point. Stead fast to the bottom.

Lower than your boot. This pain, shame, weighing heavy on the brain will take root. Tear drop soaked into the ground and hit’s roots. Inflections get deep. Reaches parts of you unknown and unseen. Never Remembering that in complete darkness, better yet the absence of light. Everything is everything, not a single difference in sight. Nothing. Inside I felt nothing at the time, certainly better than something.
” I’m tired of feeling so empty, so used, mistreated, confused, suppressed urges to lash out, be rude”.
Swore to never be that type of dude.

Realizing promises are formed with either or intentions. To be broken or to be kept. My intentions, where to smash their faces in and have them slept on. Lifeless bodies, unrecognizable only mothers wept on. Sometimes you have too, let yourself get upset. Up to the challenge I must step, how can I get mad when, Promises to myself are un-kept. Two drops in the water, twice as alert, slightly unsettled. Water starting to boil in a kettle.

Tired to cover my heart with metal. No in, No out. Air and liquid still made it in, water in the dirt never hurt. Almost time for the roots to give birth. Impatience is the worst, lesson I’ve rehearsed. Still don’t quite get it. Forget it, pretend to get the mind off things, ohh how that brings you right back to square one. We stay here like it’s fun, done, out ready to run. Three tears drops are a pattern, after the third another six more will come. Speaking directly to me now.

Extremely unsettling, more life threatening. Armor around my heart is coming undone. No longer peaceful. Kettle, heat filled. Pridefully steams out, scream out. Ran outside with red eyes. Everything sucks but, not enough to cry about. Temporarily run away from home. Leave behind everything. Sadly this is a metaphor for the body. Won’t happen unless one becomes godly. What ended up happening is me running a couple blocks. Thinking something along the lines of unfair. I don’t care. Even this far I still hear the kettle on the stove. Since it’s mines, no one else knows.

Do you hear that ?

Not quite, what do you mean ? The bird humming ?”

Lol probably someone’s phone.

My problems always seem tame in comparison. Stand on the street corner unable to decided the time. I should self sacrifice to the garrison. Even when low, you can still get lower, I wish tomorrow will come a little bit slower. I know life isn’t fair however, when other people go out of their way to make things worst, the troll it takes on your soul happens gradually. The same way I do what I gotta do, so I can stay me and be happen, is the same way I gotta let other people do what they do, even if their outcome and intentions effect my life drastically.

One question came to mind when I learned my lesson. Would you rather build or destroy ? Impatience tested my creditably. Be the best possible version of myself. Silly me the completion was always me. So I walked back home, open the door and locked it behind me. I’m not going anywhere, until I can deal with all of my problems and still sleep soundly. Attack me if you will, devour it all, while staying unaffected. Profoundly.

Let Go of Everything

Never had much in the first place, this should be an easy task. Won’t hold back, thirsty so I’ll drink straight out the bottle. Hard to see, the only things that held you together vanish like a memory. This bottle is finished, barely remember drinking it. Thinking steadily, hands open readily. Drop any and everything known to me. It was over in a second. Stuck with the after taste for a couple of minutes. Never had much, what’s the fuss, hold up, attachment. Still found myself scrabbling for more time as my identity dared to hit the ground. Maybe if I hold the bottle upside down long enough. Residue will join hand in hand, flowing with gravity to form a droplet. Just enough for me to have a taste once more. In actuality, a common fallacy. What shot to the ground was me. Imagine a baseball player diving for home run. How else was he supposed to make it.

That’s what it felt like. Suspended in mid-air, hold the thought there. This is the source of my issue because, of this feeling I’ll dis too, mistreat, chop of feet and even, strangle the life out of somebody. All my life I’ve been known as the good guy. Worked hard. To get put up, this high in everyone else’s mind. Take that from me. Sure sounds a lot like death to me. Who would I be. What would other’s see. Need outside opinion to be complete. Not ready to take that second step into the unknown. Forever in the zone, safer place than home. Upon a throne, wining at this game called life alone.

If I’m a winner. What reasons do I have to be so desperate to win in this moment. Look at me, going so far as to, one-up myself. At the sake of my own health. Drop everything I’m doing if that means I get the chance to show off. Diving for nothing there. Since when is identity just the parts and not it’s entirety. The disgust felt, watching myself now, tiring. No wonder, most people just give up when around me. How you out clown a clown. Out ass an ass and live with a man who is only comfortable when everyone else isn’t. You just kinda give him what he wants. You can tell he really needs this.

Even with all this, Feelings still in a free fall. Who would I be without this. Dumb-ass, you’ll still be you. Although true. I’m more afraid of finding out who I truly am. A bird or a rat with wings. To fall down is to be weak. The thought, feeling, a little tweaked. Falling. Have yet to truly fell. Stay suspended in hell. Funny though, for an illusion I clearly fell. My identity was mines to begin with. Proving it, is the next step. Don’t know how, no confidence to figure it out. So we shout. Acting proud all the while dumb found.

Silly of me to cling onto a cloud. Every changing, parts rearranging. Even if It flipped upside. Took the shape of a clown, Poor sucker, lazy fucker. It would still be a cloud. Inspire to be just like a cloud. That thought came to me the moment, I allowed myself to fall down. Eat dirt, stained my shirt, no longer a player, didn’t make it back  home to first. Oh well. Things could always go better or worst.

Thank you For listening

No need for anyone to clap. No need for anyone to cheer, as long as my words don’t fall on death ears. Even better if these words can keep tears away from eyes. That’s all. That matters truly. A heart no longer filled with fear. Happy. Switched gears, overly prepared for life, challenges, every passing year. Voice in my head no longer sounds like, somethings someone else said.

I hear my voice instead. The original. No longer mimics the gimmicks. Someone else put me down because, it will no longer be me. Look up in the sky, all blue, with the tiniest of clouds insight. Force it to disappear, just might.

Nah, rather focus on what is blue. Making decisions now. Before it was the smell of hot garbage. Instinctively turning my face sour. pretentiously thought I need a shower right after. Never in control going down the rabbit hole.

Pretentiously still, if my feelings are water, Purposely spill. When it overflows from the flower pot. Clean it up, no big deal.

Done Hyping Myself Up

Mental space a lot less occupied. Sorted out, rearranged, hard to explain. Thinking about keeping my chest up, is no longer the expression but, the method. To understand, this was never a premonition from a lack of faith decision. Even if I could see this far ahead, the road my life is on, has a lot of curves, in different directions. Walking too long in one direction, protection. My world is flat, thinly one-dimensional. Easier to jump from one dimension to the next. Sometimes shit be falling to pieces, before I have a chance to calmly walk away. Oh look, something new to worry about. Thoughts as I stomp my feet. Forcing the need to leave the presence of power in my wake. Always know, where to catch up to me with every break and shattering crack. I definitely wanted to be found.

The gingerbread man taught me to be proud about this. Run, Run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man. Didn’t want to admit I was playing games, say who I inspired to be instead. My game of hide and seek isn’t as fun when their isn’t a possibility of getting caught. Always throwing shade with a surplus around me. When it came to jumping. Always higher. Trying to jump a couple of worlds, break them in record time. A fake blink here and there. One deliberately slow. I want to blink, don’t need to in this moment. Hide from my eyes what you don’t want to see. The truth, standing and laughing in front of me. Loudly pointing a finger, so it’s unmistakable, you can’t handle me.

Losing focus every time you came around. Faith had faith, reality wasn’t for me. Fantasy. Where I, so-called “choose to be”. With out options, what’s a choice but, a self-conscious awareness that you have no control, here. We go, keeping our heads up, spine straight, eyes forward, focused, calmly speaking loud enough, shoulders down, smile a bit more, starting from a full frown, move slowly, never reveal too much of yourself. Competition shouldn’t know what cards you’re working with. Being you, without actually being you, a shadow of your former self. One that blends in, shadows cover everything. How dare my shadow go for a walk without me, matter of fact my body’s moving, dog on a leash my shadow walked me.

Took me to the park to play, hurrah, more limited freedom. At the park I could see them. People without a leash, relationship between partners are even. Mind and body as close to being one, like a bullet in a gun. Dangerous in the wrong hands. Glad to see real power will never come out and tell you, it’s powerful. Just kind feel it when you see it. Little did I know a shadow can never be in control. Willingly gave away my freedom, to beat them, be them. Look, I’m just like you. Went ahead still, said it because, people just weren’t feeling me. Strangest thing. For a tree to tell you, it’s a tree. Obvious answer, yes.  We can see. Conclusion just be. Brave enough, to let my chest sink in when I’m not feeling confident. Let my shoulders rise to my ears when I’m scared. Open my eyes wide to see the truth.

Easier to explain now, clarity disparity.

Mind You I can’t Fly

What does it sound like to float.
Imagine skateboarding on a quiet afternoon. You only hear you.
Imagine singing in the shower. You only hear you.
Stethoscope to the heart. Beat one. Beat two.
Sometimes I forget. I exist too.
Just as much a part of the world, as everything else around me.
Stay quiet, listen soundly.
To the sounds of the world.
Feedback loop.
It hears you too.

Play off each other in harmony.
Just as both sides of a snake move together in unison.
Before I moved, as if, the world specifically wronged only me.
I had too, get even.
before I left.
Death was always right behind me.
Never left, the back of my mind.
Makes no sense.
In the past, I couldn’t have died.
I’m here today.
Just like the future, although.
Not as sadly, death is always on its way.

I can leave at any moment.
So I find myself holding on too tightly.
A belt, just needs to hold your pants up.
Leaving imprints around my waist.
Any space I have the privilege to occupy.
Don’t let them forget you where here.
Well forgotten everywhere.
Can’t always occupy space in people’s minds.
Everything has to go sometimes.

That being said. I can only float for a bit.
Sometimes I gotta think about other shit.