Giving it All I got

       Please take my innocence, if that’s the requirement, to never worry about a penny spent. From my experience, time, energy and dedication simple doesn’t cut it. To get, I must first receive, So here I am with my forehead on the ground lower than my knees. Refusing to beg and pleased, therefore a pray. To the ones heaven-sent, fell down to earth just to steal from the penniless. Humanity forced into a false reality, nothing is more real than money.

    Devils walk and stomp the earth. Sad to say it’s their turf. Within the artificial grass where I lurk. Those who came first, did, and did away with the dirt. Nothing could possibly grow here. Curse not being born first. Second child, only able to stand in close proximity to a smile. Even without ears, you can still hear. The sadness distilled by madness. Tragedy now a regular everyday occurrence.

    Even better for you, if you don’t quite get the reference. Devils never walked the earth. Truthfully, just other people, like you and me. A vendetta to the moon and the stars, for they are constantly above them. Even I sometimes feel nothing should be above me. If I can’t have it, no one can, burn everything down, burn everything around. That way, it’s just me. A sole existence. Cremation to the sensation, artificial grass inhalation.

Surrounded on both sides, for even my hands don’t work for me anymore. To tired, when the day is done to do anything for myself. For this is the last day. Tomorrow I will get paid. Buy a bed, with some silk, smoother than milk for my head to lay. Malnourished only dreaming of better days. I want it all because, without it I feel so small.

Truthfully Speaking The Truth Will Not Be Spoken

Walk around in a familiar space. Eyes wide shut, won’t open. Surround by everything, can barely tell the difference between anything. Situation hopeless. Even the ground doesn’t feel like it’s there anymore, given enough time. The fastest way to loose your mind, never hold it together. Allow the body to continually, purposely disagree with it. The split between who you are and how you see yourself. Isn’t getting any closer, hurry to jump to the other side. Full sprint, stop at the divide. Look inside. Same, nothingness that traps you. Miss the jump, fell inside. What series of events, fact patterns or personal decisions does one need too make. Only time to feel alive, when inside and outside hurts like we died. Arguments only, never a negotiation. Talk purely in extremes, this intensity will surely be felt. Tightly constricting belt. Same ones, some adults take off and beat kids with. No negotiations, surely this purely extreme feeling will be felt. Whatever it is, after this, positive you’ll never forget. Tiniest of pain hurts a lot, given enough time. Funniest thing about pain. How it spreads.

Don’t for get to like ! Especially if any line resonates.

Sitting in my boxers

“Writing”

Imagine for a second, lifting your arm straight up, above your head, now jump back to catch a frisbee. It’s always a game at first. No stakes, nothing personal, amusing ourselves with this fun. Getting more into it we end up walking out, with a lot less than what we started with. Caught up in the moments of tension, I lost part of myself. Taken with my reasoning, while spreading a web of white lies. Imagine jumping back now, not falling this time. Thoughts wrapping.

“yeah you caught this frisbee, now you’re going to throw it back” !

Actions slightly off balance. They notice it.

“Hmm he threw it a little harder this time, what’s their aim ?”

The return a little higher this time. I fall down while looking stupid. Pride a little hurt.

“I wasn’t planning on falling down today!”

The back and forth seeming endless as long as they throw it back you will do the same, we don’t want to be the one carrying the Frisbee, for the rest of the day. Both spinning the smallest of silk. Hungry to send the Frisbee back at them, hoping to hit, by accident. A game no more, not looking to get hurt, instinctively hurt first. I will carry the frisbee for the day but, you will carry that pain much longer. This is war, the battle is already won. The fear is gone and the tension is over, I realized that you aren’t a spider. You didn’t spin a web. Stuck in the moment you became my prey, to fill my desire for comfort. I didn’t want to let you know the truth, scared you would have power over me, I made sure I had power over you. Landing back down from the jump. Ready to return and have fun only with myself.

Repackaged Gift

via Daily Prompt: Cur

Sometimes we find ourselves unable to sleep. Reasons piling on the millions. How did this occur. During the times of unrest, the only way to escape the storm is to sail into the center. Everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe in destiny however, cause and effect is a undeniable factor of the world. My world. Back tracking through the flow of time, waves violently crashing. Life won’t let the journey be that simple. I toss and turn in discomfort, on a cloud of a bed. Eyelids crush each other closed. Time eludes us, hours passed since we last gave up trying to sleep and opened our eyes. Tomorrow will be here soon.
Yet still, my center feels so Strange. My being in turmoil and confusion. More time pass, finally the center of the storm, the cause of it all. Light, shining through and events line up in a sequence from tallest to shortest, height final visible. The same dirt I tossed into the world, orbited and landed back into my face. always During my lowest, during my most vulnerable. The light rips into my eyes, it’s morning already. Makes sense, rest isn’t deserved. Time to wash my face and prepare for more dirt to come.

Get what you give

What Does It Mean To Love Others

We know that feeling of being confident with your knowledge ? So much so, its become second nature. To the point where others can be convinced to leave their interpretations behind and integrate ours into theirs. A step further now. Conversations about how our words happened to have a profound positive effect on their life, then in-turn causing a new profound effect in our life. That is how I felt about love, more specifically about loving oneself. From the future looking at the past, I thought, I believed, I knew I loved myself.

Being with someone and loving someone are two opposites. ” Real love” well let’s say “healthy progressive” love wasn’t present. Like puppies waiting to get picked up and be a present for someone else. I didn’t love myself, to busy being desperate to be loved. My mind and body did not care for each other we just so happened to be roommates. Roommates who never appreciated each other or saw each other as equals. Now the situation is still the same, only the terms have changed. The feeling  dawned on me, I only love myself.

As the sun comes up and more of the environment is visible, so to are the examples of my claiming to love and care for others. When in reality it was an extension of a love for myself. This is no real issue. Anyone who once looked in the mirror and saw an enemy. Anyone who sought approval to be themselves, this is a step in the right direction. I don’t want to walk down this path. It will lead me to obsession.

What reason would you have to love yourself to that extent ? The value of others being deemed solely on how they make you feel, that feeling ultimately relating back to self  love. Of course I love the river. It provides, it’s refreshing, beautiful to look at, calming all the while keeping me alive. Fun to swim in. Notice, how all of these reasons have nothing to do with the river being it’s self.

The river just being a river. Somewhere deep down, if I stretch my arm hard enough. I could barely touch it. Emphatic love will be within grasp. Loving or caring for someone else devoid of myself is my inspiration. Appreciation for appreciation’s sake. Something that can’t be measured, quantified or truly expressed with words. Something that just “is“. Beautiful and real. First step is letting go of myself and holding on to someone else.

What does it mean to love others

Insta_LetGo