Swam of Files

Tired of falling. Have yet to hit the ground. Back to reality, feet dragging this limp body around. Mentally I’m down, rotten flesh, rejected, splattered without a sound. Worst fear is to die with no one around. How does a king feel suffocated by zeal. Can you truly say the people around loved for-real. Forget the fact the mirror reflects your love back. A life lived with a broken neck, face towards the back. The smallest tree is still envied by the shrubs. Even if all the green in the forest is cut down to make a book with. Offense given, a fence risen, separated, closed off from the world at large. Sad to say, within this small bubble I’m in-charge. I died today and the funeral wasn’t large. Correction Sending out invites, is what I neglected. Piece of mind, laying here forever rested.

Line me up for the flex

Easy to be upset, hard to forget. Less stress equals more blessed. Better tomorrow pressed. A known associate of mines, okay a family friend. Alright, my own ***** tried to set me up. Set me up how and for what you ask, a never-ending question the answer must be explored like a jungle not toured like a museum. History scattered, remains intact, feeling some thing is missing, hidden or too distant, keeps me driven. I drove right into a village whose history is a constant pilgrimage. Left behind, to play catch up, forgotten self sabotage makes sure a realization never adds up to the truth. Whatever that maybe for you. Justification to blame others for his problems. This is my answer, this essay written to fight the truth, disprove and let loose feelings forming into a noose. The conversation starts off regular, how was your day ? How are you today ? No, I didn’t know about that. Regularity sets the pace.

As I walk away, back turned heading down the stairs. He calls my name. Some what strange. Like he knew but, didn’t know who he was talking too exactly.  Since you heading that direction, go check in the bathroom, look up at the ceiling, tell me if water is dripping. Okay, you want what ? now ? Check the bathroom ceiling and see if water is still leaking. Still ? Without searching for it intentions subtly revealed. Intentions and outcomes is a wholesome meal. Let them tell you, instead of telling them what they are doing. Too many chefs ruin the pot and I like to eat a lot. I’ll hold this small spot on the ground and sit there. You’ll tell me everything you want me to hear. I’m prepared.

In the bathroom there is a bucket under the leak. Lord bucket, captured by mystique. Silent form of grief. When unable to speak, will be felt rolling in the sheets trying to sleep. A task already completed, my reasoning defeated, there I stood with a half empty bucket. Still didn’t see the issue we have time before we need to switch the bucket it out, when it doubt positivity comes out.

I come back up. Before I even tell him, he’s already answering his own questions. The water there ? It’s still leaking ? The bucket I put there filled ? Wasn’t fast enough to reply, listened to the rest of the monologue. He sucks his teeth, looks away and tightens his fist, rage locked in his glints. I ask…..

You just wanted me to tell you ?

No, no I just wanted to know if it was leaking and where the leak is coming from. Line me up for the flex, Shoot the messenger. Lately, whenever I enter the room the conversation turn frustration. Exit and it starts dissipating. To cope, I lie. Everyone just hating.

Fear, You came for me

More to the experience, than meets the eye. First, it starts with a thought. One like any other. “I don’t like this”. Imagine a quiet whisper, followed by the bang of a drum. Vibration circulation action articulation. Body and mind move as one. Dry throat try to swallow. Sweat drip down the back. Still shaking, confidence breaking. No mistaking. A sickness settles in. I’m down for the count my friends. Middle of the chest, slow movement to speed up the heart, a little to the left. Grab it, before it breaks loose. This body is no longer safe. Poison thicker than paint. I downed the bucket like a shot of rum. Live through this a couple of gray hairs are deserved. Fear this sweet strictly unheard. Physical manifestation of my worth.

Anything for a dollar. Tighten the tie around my collar. Pain helped me appreciate breathing. Sensation of leaving, pleasing. Now. I know, I once was, happily on my way.
Convulsions going in an upward motion. This the notion, about to throw up. Better yet hold it in, never leave behind my kin. Mind and body just broke up again. Better than the alternative, showing any signs of weakness. Leave my enemies, happy, speechless. Sickness will forever be a part of me. If I was a tree, let the termites hollow me. All the way through, didn’t think this. Made evil my mistress all because I rather something…sorry someone to sleep with. Miss step in the right direction.

Internal reflection. Learn by inspection. What reasons do I have to put my heart out there, without a care. Unfair trade, constantly targeted for play. Never truly challenged face to face, heart to heart. Left mines to go searching for another in the dark. The unknown, is my life spark. Confident I can always find my way back to me. Loneliness is attracting. From my real problems, detracting. Happiness acting. Always laughing. I want to giggle like a baby from a tickle. Living my life so fickle.

Now I’m afraid of anyone willingly to lend and ear. Do they really care. Afraid to share, even for myself, ear plugs, brought a pair. Got a new tattoo. A scar , willfully put there. Keeps the memory potent whenever I look, until then unaware.

Imagine every time you spoke, the ones closest to you took it as a joke but, your jokes are taken seriously. When ever you felt uneasy they appeared mysteriously. Then again who’s to say the egg came before the chicken. Right in my eye, blind sided by intentions, won’t forget to mention poison is relentless. The greatest test, during time of distressing. Constantly mind messing, character and idea pressing. Around you, couple of seconds of second guessing. Added over time, “I don’t like this” rings louder. Pain trickles down my spine.

Someone to humble me, mumbled me. Obstacles need to grow. I was missing. “You’re actually trying to hurt me ?” I was dissing. Tables turn, lesson burned, looking over my shoulder pissing. Didn’t think their was any reason to go this far. How you pay that guy to ram into my car, my child was in the back seat. Afterwards brought me a cup of juice, help to get loose. Take my mind of things. Really you want to see me fall, never make it all. Perfect.

I need someone to watch me. Been alone up until now thus far. I’ve been trying really hard. Look at all these scars. Please watch me. Never need to go far. Just wanted a home where I didn’t feel so alone. More than just anger, more than just sadness, frustration, sleep deprivation, meanings lost transnational, happiness, pain, pride, joy, every emotion I’ve ever known. Plucked by insanity, slammed back into my heart by gravity. I’ll give you everything. So please help me understand why I feel so guilty for being me.
 

Done Hyping Myself Up

Mental space a lot less occupied. Sorted out, rearranged, hard to explain. Thinking about keeping my chest up, is no longer the expression but, the method. To understand, this was never a premonition from a lack of faith decision. Even if I could see this far ahead, the road my life is on, has a lot of curves, in different directions. Walking too long in one direction, protection. My world is flat, thinly one-dimensional. Easier to jump from one dimension to the next. Sometimes shit be falling to pieces, before I have a chance to calmly walk away. Oh look, something new to worry about. Thoughts as I stomp my feet. Forcing the need to leave the presence of power in my wake. Always know, where to catch up to me with every break and shattering crack. I definitely wanted to be found.

The gingerbread man taught me to be proud about this. Run, Run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man. Didn’t want to admit I was playing games, say who I inspired to be instead. My game of hide and seek isn’t as fun when their isn’t a possibility of getting caught. Always throwing shade with a surplus around me. When it came to jumping. Always higher. Trying to jump a couple of worlds, break them in record time. A fake blink here and there. One deliberately slow. I want to blink, don’t need to in this moment. Hide from my eyes what you don’t want to see. The truth, standing and laughing in front of me. Loudly pointing a finger, so it’s unmistakable, you can’t handle me.

Losing focus every time you came around. Faith had faith, reality wasn’t for me. Fantasy. Where I, so-called “choose to be”. With out options, what’s a choice but, a self-conscious awareness that you have no control, here. We go, keeping our heads up, spine straight, eyes forward, focused, calmly speaking loud enough, shoulders down, smile a bit more, starting from a full frown, move slowly, never reveal too much of yourself. Competition shouldn’t know what cards you’re working with. Being you, without actually being you, a shadow of your former self. One that blends in, shadows cover everything. How dare my shadow go for a walk without me, matter of fact my body’s moving, dog on a leash my shadow walked me.

Took me to the park to play, hurrah, more limited freedom. At the park I could see them. People without a leash, relationship between partners are even. Mind and body as close to being one, like a bullet in a gun. Dangerous in the wrong hands. Glad to see real power will never come out and tell you, it’s powerful. Just kind feel it when you see it. Little did I know a shadow can never be in control. Willingly gave away my freedom, to beat them, be them. Look, I’m just like you. Went ahead still, said it because, people just weren’t feeling me. Strangest thing. For a tree to tell you, it’s a tree. Obvious answer, yes.  We can see. Conclusion just be. Brave enough, to let my chest sink in when I’m not feeling confident. Let my shoulders rise to my ears when I’m scared. Open my eyes wide to see the truth.

Easier to explain now, clarity disparity.

Words That Sit too close

No body is better….

In my hand, the object to my demise. Careful disguised as a luxury. Still kinda want it, even if I see it coming. ” Too much of anything is bad for you”. Words, only said, after you’re done being happy with it. I look forward to the experience, like a deep inhale. Never to stop breathing. Damaging parts of myself without regulation, regularly associating what was found, as my handy work. didn’t go deeper than pure speculation. How could I possibly, be the culprit, this is my home, let alone, without realizing it. Pain seemingly the product of action or inaction, outcome still the same. In my other hand, the object to my affection. Everything I ever wanted in life, detailed plans to reach my goals. Always mistakenly using the other, achieving the opposite effect, reversal of my role. Throwing myself down, while claiming to pick me up. Destroy everything around me, that’s how I show love.

Only when talking do I search, frantically scanning around  for reactions. Reassurance, I’m acting right or I know people like what I’m saying. Careful chosen everything I say, slightly wrong reactions, throw’s future thoughts into dismay. As it turns out, I didn’t really want to cut my hair. Change my outfit, listen to you complain. Come home to find my food eaten. Go to the store, wait an extra 45 mins for you. The fact is I did. Now the one showing me is you, persistent questions, turn deep reflection. Not getting the chance to realize, I have a problem with this, alone slight aggravation. Imagine you asked me to come over, knowing I don’t feel well. At the house now, found you in bed and sick too. Asked me to take care of you, cook, clean, organized and prepared the food. Said you would do the same thing for me, if the tables were flipped, to my feelings don’t be rude.

Reality misconstrued. Turns out, to me you were being rude. Tables turns along with you. Not once, did you imagine having to take care of me. When I turned extra sick too. Called at least 5 times, to your voice mail, it never went through.  More upset, that I even called, you made sure your distaste was heard. Doubting my sanity, to you, what I asked, absurd. How I found myself, so eager to shake anothers hand. Whatever object they put out, put the opposite hand. Opposites attract, fixated on what others want, played the part. No definition safe enough for my to dawn the “opposing force”. No self-respect worthy enough for me to fight for, when easy busied. Healing can’t possible by that traumatic. knowledge I get, when laughing looking back at it. Willingly let people show, how you should treat them too.

..read as “me” or “you”