Appetizers for lunch

This whole thing is not good enough. Honest with myself, yet never true enough. I hide while you decide, only natural when we face life stuck on pride. I’m ashamed of nothing, we weren’t always ride or die. Throw a rock and hide. You never really put your differences aside, to work together. We need. Compromise with some lies. In the moment is fine,  sadly I knew this duct taped heart-break would come undo in due time. You read between the lines and I just read them. Still won’t blame you for, our actions towards other people.

Only when we miss treat them. Leave them and deceive them. You worked hard on shining this armor. I too become pissed off hen I see chinks in it. Attacks come from everywhere, blind side, the distance. Go on the chase mile ran, more like ate. Main course the shooter, on a plate, wait how is the sniper smaller in person. Now this where I start cursing. All this energy, time and effort spent for what and you still gotta fix the armor. Reacting never adapting.

Trapping never relaxing. We got some rules to set a future to protect. Life will have a shit storm and leave you to clean up the mess. If we do this we do it for the best. We don’t have time to regress. Simply can’t , make progress being satisfied with what you achieved. Happiness is a fun chase, I believe. Catch and release, hide and go seek, Speak and believe. Two faced is no longer what we shall be. Only state a claim once we both agree. I won’t lie to you saying “no, I agree to this”. Overpower guilty pleasure, secret measure. Appetizers for the soul written into letters.

Carefully Wished to be lonely

Never careful, with what I wish for. Want it all, then more. How else can you be sure, you got what you’re worth. Not even a piece of mind, to relax my spine. Mommy told me “You deserve less “, Even though, I want only two. Be happy with what you got, honestly an excuse for when unsatisfied, everyone else is telling me what I’m worth. Crazy thing is. It’s not two for me. It’s one for me and one for you. There is a distinct difference between being selfish and achieving a desire, inspire, soar higher. A touchy subject making claims to things, people and places. Let’s stick to knowing what we want, inspire, require and the fulfillment it brings.

Never careful with what I wish for, what reason do I have to let myself be the body stopping me from letting my mornings sing. Tired of waking up, room shaded up. Son. I hope you’re listening. The only thing missing. Went outside, hand scooped some dirt. Carried it in my shirt, traveled through the rain, neighbors thought I was insane, made it up the stairs, now finally here. With this and some seeds, my room will smell like spring. Smell of rain, free air and mowned grass. Shit. Where’s the sun. Guess we’re not done. Poured water, without the shine it won’t be glistening. Cold goose bumps mid winter, chilling.

Now I need, to force a rotation, earth time dilation, for a season with more appreciation for my specific situation. All I did is want, what I want but, it came with a bunch of needs. A ladder to heaven. laid wait, pleasures to be sieged. A change of scene. Flowers to bloom in my room. Sunlight to wake up too.
Instead of.
An alarm clock.

Never careful, strictly harmful. How we unapologetically get in the way of others. What about them? Family, friends, children who have yet to spend a single second on this earth. Well. Now your turf, how I forced mother nature into a crater and pile on the dirt. The same way I’ll do anything for my flowers. Burning gasoline, dull rocks and sticks, a finger with a splinter prick. Wash with soap right after rubbing alcohol. All so when I wake up I can hear laughter in my head. What about them ?Do their dreams not matter. Do you think of anyone but, yourself ?

Viciously disregard emphatic feelings, to yourself these thoughts are treason. Why are you the one stopping you. Let another with a dream come in between.
Try and stop me.

Close my eyes and split a watermelon with a dull rock attached to a stick. Split on the inside. Mommy told me ” you deserve less”. Although I only wanted one. Never careful with what I wish for. Defining my worth, turf. Time will tell you, who and what stops you. When and how, it stops you too.

Lonely dreams to chase.

Status of a loser

Dreamt the day, no longer crippled by anxiety and self loathing. My body healed and fixed, refashioned into armor used to protect, external loathing. No longer a threat. Negativity bounces off never to leave a scratch. The last thing to worry about is, my skin with a random cut. I remember nights sleeping, jumping awake whenever I felt something on my leg creeping. Easily bruised, not enough challenges over-came, to mold the man, I inspire to become.

With each mistake I folded, anxiety took the chance, never to let it slip. Self loathing, the acceleration that brought me down. Most people don’t willingly, randomly walk on nails. When faced with the opportunity, there isn’t usually a gun to our backs. Threatening to paralyze, our last thought in time. Only promise of tomorrow, is on the other side of that spike bed, if we are lucky. At maximum ten bloody toes. Sadly whenever, I get to thinking about how much my toes hurt, naturally shift weight onto my heels. Nails stuck a little deeper than necessary, couldn’t relax and take my time.

Much pressure to hurry, in due time. Took too long to cross. Hollow bullet in my spine. Least if I, just make it to the end and fall, it won’t be on the spikes. Halfway through without a clue. How many centimeters, off my foot, left behind. Hate that I technically put myself through this, simply to survive. Best option for some, not really equipped enough to fight.

Yet still I choose not to fight anyone but myself. There is no gun. Really I do this for fun. If a push is all it takes, let me be the one to push myself to the next step. Put yourself through just to say you can do it. Eventually the day will be won.

Giving it All I got

       Please take my innocence, if that’s the requirement, to never worry about a penny spent. From my experience, time, energy and dedication simple doesn’t cut it. To get, I must first receive, So here I am with my forehead on the ground lower than my knees. Refusing to beg and pleased, therefore a pray. To the ones heaven-sent, fell down to earth just to steal from the penniless. Humanity forced into a false reality, nothing is more real than money.

    Devils walk and stomp the earth. Sad to say it’s their turf. Within the artificial grass where I lurk. Those who came first, did, and did away with the dirt. Nothing could possibly grow here. Curse not being born first. Second child, only able to stand in close proximity to a smile. Even without ears, you can still hear. The sadness distilled by madness. Tragedy now a regular everyday occurrence.

    Even better for you, if you don’t quite get the reference. Devils never walked the earth. Truthfully, just other people, like you and me. A vendetta to the moon and the stars, for they are constantly above them. Even I sometimes feel nothing should be above me. If I can’t have it, no one can, burn everything down, burn everything around. That way, it’s just me. A sole existence. Cremation to the sensation, artificial grass inhalation.

Surrounded on both sides, for even my hands don’t work for me anymore. To tired, when the day is done to do anything for myself. For this is the last day. Tomorrow I will get paid. Buy a bed, with some silk, smoother than milk for my head to lay. Malnourished only dreaming of better days. I want it all because, without it I feel so small.

Ultimately fail to Win

Never put your heart into anything. Never allow yourself to feel. Never get swept up, in the moments of the situation. For anyone who has aspirations of achievements gained by, the lack of achievement, by others. Always set yourself, up right. Always allow the world, to be the first to stop you, before you do. We love to trip ourselves up, more so holding ourselves back. Always planing the route, never staying on track. I like the illusion of control. Magic is supposed to be a mystery. Even when I’m helping somebody, never forget to think, what’s in it for me. Talking to myself now, how much control did I really have of the situation in front of me. None, you see, I’m only mad because, you are cramping my style. Trying to do what I want, you always stopping me. You can never do anything always.

Funny how people always tell you that. I was told “…..You always, never forget to talk your shit”.  Never impressed by the evidence, I’m with me, all the time. Never in a million years will I talk my shit, more than 15% of the time. Only for today, never again, we promise, no one else will make us feel like this. Never hit us, with that talking down to us, shit. Worked extra hard, to feel this highly of ourselves, can’t take let it get taken away, that easy. Through inaction or action, out come the same. Always, allowed people to let their mouth run. Ways to combat the disrespect, I got none. Time after time, always the person to ruin the fun. Emotions I don’t know how to handle, just like a baby walking for the first time and falling face first. Even worst, to never look stupid in front of, considered enemies. Act out-of-pocket, outsiders looking in confused on, who is the real enemy.

I don’t understand. When a joke is made at my expense, when the perceived status of a position is taken advantage of, I’m forced to look like an idiot and take it, or when a condescending tone is heard by the entire room. No one ever takes my side. Yell with me, get frustrated with me, go so far, as to put your job, life, comfort and future on the line with me. To show disrespect warrants full focus, no matter how destructive, it needs be. It is, what it is, no complaints here. Everything in life seemingly breakable, more so how I need it to be. Another form of magic passed on from a magician to me. Stand up for yourself, that way the world will see, you are not laundry. Easily washed, dried, hung out and folded.

Seeing is believing, from miles away. Only close up could you tell, I was deceiving. Like a washing machine, on command, I go through an emotion cycle. All someone need to do is put in the right amount of change. A spectacle I’ve become. To come, to my show it’s cheap, a quarter just the one. Well anything quarter shaped, You didn’t need to give me anything valuable to you, I still give all of me and then some. Afterwards folded and packed away haphazardly, now a belonging. Waiting patiently to be used, worn and played out. After years, finally discarded, sadly admitting. That was my way out. Found a medium between the two extremes. Don’t need to get played or to play. Still laundry, floating in the wind, only to have fun. Make it hard for yourself, never fall into a vicious cycle. Even if you come out cleaner on the other end, it’s always that much easier to spot the dirt.

I stand up for myself now, while having mostly fun, in fact. A situation never, always has to define you.