Under Attack ?

I really like this.

I really want this shit. Matter of fact, briefcase full of evidence packed. I need this borderline obsession. Add to my collection of feelings. Emptiness pleasing, lackluster gold upheaval. Bewitched not by evil, something less deceitful, an equal. Precursor to the squeal. Me trying my best to be content, wear my smile right. Happiness represents an opportunity for conformity, so be it. As long as I’m not alone with me. Oh shit you just so happen to have what I want.

Excuse my french,  what I need. Slide right next to you, unexpected too. Surprise, pee a boo, now you’re a target too. Flattery coated in chatter slams against the brain faster than fast. By chance, my carefully elaborate diversion, you won’t notice my glance. For in my eyes contains the plans for retreat when the royals crown is missing. Hopefully it won’t come to this, the easier the better. Together we’ll drink and sing, forget all types of things. Leaving room for the realization to be the sole focus.

Any and all achievements accredited to you, better suited on me. I hope sooner rather than later you’ll see. My pseudo king, Funny how you wonder.

” people really hate me”

Conceited in thought and gains. For no one would cry or care to say your name had you died in a plane. For they hate the world. I do too. With you’re playing cards, I’ll finally make all my dreams come true. Stole a slice from the pie of happiness, then poisoned the rest.

Stop Me, I know What I’m Doing

We’ve all smiled before, in some resemblance of the feeling, felt happy. As much as I want it for myself, I want it for others as well. Only those closest to me. Everyone isn’t as deserving of happiness. Even me, at times wonder how can, I make the people I care about happy or express in certain terms, how much I care. Seems as if, smiling and what does it mean to smile don’t go hand in hand.

Letting go of my perceptions of the two, after the incident, they no longer hold true. Without direction wondering, lost in my my mind, desperately trying to find the error in my way. Hoping that the cause of it all, isn’t me. Paving my path. Walking backwards into history. You always had a way of making me feel good about life. Not even trying too, more so focused on the outcome of your day. Ended up sticking my nose where kids shouldn’t play. Growing out of my shell, conceitedly thinking I’m doing well. Reciprocity, name of the tunnel I viewed you, in my goal.

To make you feel how, I want you to feel. Happy for as long as you saw fit, just didn’t sit right with me. Unlike the choices you make, never intending to effect anyone. What was transpiring here, solely to effect you. Isn’t that how it works. Gift delivered, smile received, all according to plan. All of the green jelly beans taken care of, hopefully you notice but, don’t overtly acknowledge my hard work. That would be weird, say some shit like

“wow, no green jelly beans, I must be lucky.”

Mind you, it need’s to be subtly and understood by me, for this to work. Hard not to stare expecting something. First store sold them in packets, open the pack, more green than anything. After that waste, went farther to the market. Card declined, the purchase of jelly beans before seemed suspicious to the bank. Standing so long on line, had emotional control unreliant. Put it on credit, card limit forget it. Only after I feel credited. So you see didn’t go through all this trouble “cuz” of me. Best believe from you, I don’t need, nothing. A little something for my troubles, no need for you to allow me to take anything. A smile is all I ask. No appreciation, found in every part of the interaction. Smiled only because, you where laughing.

TV is on, what a distraction from what I’ve done. Angry at me for acting dumb when asked, something is wrong. Never meant anything to me, stop fishing where the fish is absent. Finally feeling the difference, obsessive recollection, highlighted my hubris. Too much of me found in, what is supposed to be done for you. Not getting it, your decisions are all you too. Although excessive amounts of the need to appease you, still not found. I question everything known to me. One step short of questioning myself.

Never actually liking you. Chasing the feel good. Upset that for you, so much done with purpose, while for me. I felt good as a by product. Where is the difference between the two, let me spell it. No appreciations for what I went through, blessing not intended for me still a blessing received. Accept this now or at least pretend to be happy for me. Clearly deserve, continually served disappointment. Stop for a second and actually think, leave the center, place me at the top of your world. A fraction of what I truly want too ask. Not much from you.

All about me, no longer about you 

Vague Ambition

We all work hard. We all have goals that, demands more from ourselves then we are equipped to give. What we want and how far we are willing to strive for it, shows a lot about a person’s character. Vulnerability and ambitions on display, with my particular goal. I don’t work hard.I work obsessively. Constantly wash my hands because, the moment I stop, germs take advantage of the moment of levity and jump back on. I want my hands 100 percent clean. We all have a vision for our future, a portrait of what we want ourselves to be. I swear, the same way I’m arranging these letters to forms theses sentences that express my feelings to write this essay, is the same way I plan on turn my vision into a reality.

Everyday I tell myself, yesterday I didn’t work hard enough. When asked, what pushes you, what can you possibly hope to achieve by washing the life out of your hands? I couldn’t answer. I know the impact I want to have, I know the feeling I want…no need to achieve. In reality the goal has always been so Vague. Pinging it down is next to impossible, it’s elusive, ever changing. Imagine reaching out to catch a dandelion lion floating in the wind. The more aggressive you try to catch it, the farther away it floats. The best method from my experience is to wait, and predict it’s movement. Move with it and patiently waits until it lands in your hand. Now what?

We have it within grasp. Did we really care to catch it ? What do we plan to do now that we have it ? Was it just another thing to do ? Just like my ever changing ambition, without a definite reason, a clarity. Wouldn’t that make what I’ve been doing meaning less.

I don’t feel so. We decided what is important in our life. We give meaning to the meaning less. We decided who we are. That being said, Time for me to wash my hands again.

Vague Ambitions

My Robotic Self

Insta_RoboticMy Robot Self
Part 2

key
Paid Actor : Closest friend
Shawty: ” I ” Like her…. A lot. 
Stupid = “Not my interpretation” 

Paid Actor: ” If I’m following what you’re saying it’s almost like a movie…A character in a movie.”

” My interpretation ” 
 
“You create your life in a movie character like fashion ” 

That made me look at what I was doing from a different perspective. The movie analogy, plays in hand with the robotic personality. Treating my life-like a movie character, whereas, all of my actions are directly influenced by what I want, vice versa, How badly I want it. Since I robotic-ally,  re-wired myself to use everything, I have, it was perceived, to others, as feeling of wanting something really bad.  What lengths a character goes for want they want, and exactly what it is they are willing to act for. Shows & tells you a lot about their character. Their personality & vulnerability is on display.
Using every fiber of my being to do a large task. It seemed like, What I wanted, whatever it was. What I focused on doing. I wanted it really badly.

Shawty : ” Sometimes I, feel like you say things, just to say things”

“Conclusion, Yes for more reason than one. “

“One, since I, focus so much on the task. It sometimes comes across, as I’m only” thinking” not “Feeling”.  “

” I do feel, I’m actual very sensitive to information” 

“one point five, Since talking was the only form of communication I used, to both send & receive (Emotional) Information. The other four senses only received information.” 

“With all 5 senses as a conduit for sending information now. The second reason unravels” 

” Only my words expressed my feelings, to shawty, everything seemed shut off. She received no information from them. 

Movie Terms, I didn’t want it as bad as I said I did. Which scenario do, you get a stronger feeling of ” Wanting to turn off the light & go to sleep “.

I lay in bed, turn around a bit, look away from the lights, turn my head. Cover my eyes with the pillow. Fall asleep lightly for 45 mins. Finally, go over and turn off the light.

I grab my pillow, cover my eyes, head for the light switch, I hit my feet and something falls. It breaks. I still keep my eyes covered. I walk more and step on my cat. She screams.   ME: OMG Princesss !! Shittt !!
She scratches me, runs and knocks things over. Knocks over what sounds like water, I panic and turn my body in the direction. I don’t uncover my eyes. Light keeps me up. Lost my sense of direction, I knock my knee on the dresser & touch what feels like a roach on the wall, looking for the light switch. Still I’m not going to look into the light. Finally its off and I open my eyes a little and realize the back light, is still on ! Longer story short, the back light is off. Now I’m back where I started. Walking in the darkness to complete the task. Get in bed & sleep.

“The second story is how, I feel about getting closer to shawty”

“Due to me only “talking”, The first story is probably how, she thinks, I feel. 

My Robot Self

Insta_RobotSelfMY Robot Self 
 
 After some investigation, the realization hit, the true meaning behind the term robot. Anything I create is, and always will be an extension of myself. Including writing. The words I use are the closest representation to the feeling I want to represent. The words are, a window into my thought process and how my ideas come to be. When writing dialogue for a script, I realized, other people, refer to my natural thought process of speaking and communicating as, robotic. They say, it’s almost if a robot was processing and trying to reproduce human behavior, human speech. They say, it’s Satire, a commentary on movies & films, constructing the words and the progression of the conversation, in the way that people do speak however, not quite. Its dramatic emphasis placed on mundane things, to increase the tension. By using the mundane to Illustrate larger ideas. As a conduit for grander schemes. 
 
” What are you talking about?” 
 
” I thought to myself 
 
“This is honestly, how I talk” 
“How I view the world, how I view everything” 

 
“What about my form of communication” 
“Makes them, feel that way” 

 
” Now, to keep the business private” 
Shawty..will be used in place of her name
 
 
    Shawty : “You feel like a robot” 
 
“Another instance of that phrase”  
“Used in a different context, from a different perspective but hinting at the same thing” 

     
    Shawty: ” what do you think about when you are around me, what runs through your mind? “ 
 
“Conclusion, I really wanna talk to you 
 
     Shawty : ” Ohh okay, makes sense” 
 
Realization hits. It makes sense because, I am very single-minded, whatever goal I have in mind, I will use everything at my disposal to reach the goal. Morals and dignity included. Of course, I was a robot to Shawty. I talked a lot about actions. Sometimes had very powerful feelings behind my words however, despite all my claims of wanting her, and wanting to form a connection. All I did, from her perspective, is talk. Which is why, I understand what exactly is off and robotic about my behavior. To me, getting close to someone has always and only been  

” Just Talking” 
 
” My thoughts are very precious to me” 
Therefore, I don’t share them with many people”
 
 
Like a single-minded, one task functioning robot, I used only the parts necessary to facilitate talking. Better wording it, I used every fiber of my being to facilitate talking, think about a computer freezing because, all the processing power is being used to do this one large task. The issue with this, for lack of a better term is, human don’t do something so idiotic constantly. What possible reason would you have to focus all of your energy on one singular thing? Not just referring to just focus, more so, transforming everything about yourself into whatever is needed to complete the task. 
 
That being said, there are more ways to connect with people, other than “talking” alone. The thought never occurred to me. 
 
“The thought, never, occurred to me “ 
 
” I repeat to make it stick” 
 
Touch, smell, sight, sound, taste. I haven’t been using all of them, I never plugged the other four into the equation. Which is a follows. 
 
” Get closer to shawty 
 
“What are your tools” 
 
“the only way I know how to connect to people is through talking, it’s the only way I know to express that feeling of wanting to get closer 
 
” I’ll use that, Talking” 
 
I’ll develop some techniques & tools to help give credibility to my voice and words” 
 
“Well add that into the equation too, the intricate system of Talking 
 
In essence, my eyes, hand, feet, mouth, hair, voice, emotions, feelings, my clothes, how I walked, how I moved, what I said, what I didn’t say, my entire thought processed, was used to facilitate talking. Another example, playing chess, I use all the pieces on the board, just to get a pawn to the other side and turn it into a king. Most people play chess to win. They use the pieces to achieve that.I could use my knight as a knight, my queen as a queen but, it wouldn’t directly help me get my pawn cross the board. The goal here isn’t to win but, get my pawn across. It’s silly to play chess like that, it’s very singular focused. Its idiotic, if you try earnestly, to play chess like that you would probably stop, like this stupid.  
 
That is simply how I trained my mind to work. Now the goal is the same, but the tools I have to reach that goal has expanded. All 5 senses are how people, not only receive information but, express it as well. No duh right? 
 
Shawty thought I was wishy-washy, scared to be my true self, I was not brave enough, That I’m not trusting the process and letting feeling take over, little did she know, That I, just didn‘t even know. Safe to say, we both were clueless.  
 
“All in all, I’m still basically a robot, that just found out, how to be perceived, as more human