More to the experience, than meets the eye. First, it starts with a thought. One like any other. “I don’t like this”. Imagine a quiet whisper, followed by the bang of a drum. Vibration circulation action articulation. Body and mind move as one. Dry throat try to swallow. Sweat drip down the back. Still shaking, confidence breaking. No mistaking. A sickness settles in. I’m down for the count my friends. Middle of the chest, slow movement to speed up the heart, a little to the left. Grab it, before it breaks loose. This body is no longer safe. Poison thicker than paint. I downed the bucket like a shot of rum. Live through this a couple of gray hairs are deserved. Fear this sweet strictly unheard. Physical manifestation of my worth.
Anything for a dollar. Tighten the tie around my collar. Pain helped me appreciate breathing. Sensation of leaving, pleasing. Now. I know, I once was, happily on my way.
Convulsions going in an upward motion. This the notion, about to throw up. Better yet hold it in, never leave behind my kin. Mind and body just broke up again. Better than the alternative, showing any signs of weakness. Leave my enemies, happy, speechless. Sickness will forever be a part of me. If I was a tree, let the termites hollow me. All the way through, didn’t think this. Made evil my mistress all because I rather something…sorry someone to sleep with. Miss step in the right direction.
Internal reflection. Learn by inspection. What reasons do I have to put my heart out there, without a care. Unfair trade, constantly targeted for play. Never truly challenged face to face, heart to heart. Left mines to go searching for another in the dark. The unknown, is my life spark. Confident I can always find my way back to me. Loneliness is attracting. From my real problems, detracting. Happiness acting. Always laughing. I want to giggle like a baby from a tickle. Living my life so fickle.
Now I’m afraid of anyone willingly to lend and ear. Do they really care. Afraid to share, even for myself, ear plugs, brought a pair. Got a new tattoo. A scar , willfully put there. Keeps the memory potent whenever I look, until then unaware.
Imagine every time you spoke, the ones closest to you took it as a joke but, your jokes are taken seriously. When ever you felt uneasy they appeared mysteriously. Then again who’s to say the egg came before the chicken. Right in my eye, blind sided by intentions, won’t forget to mention poison is relentless. The greatest test, during time of distressing. Constantly mind messing, character and idea pressing. Around you, couple of seconds of second guessing. Added over time, “I don’t like this” rings louder. Pain trickles down my spine.
Someone to humble me, mumbled me. Obstacles need to grow. I was missing. “You’re actually trying to hurt me ?” I was dissing. Tables turn, lesson burned, looking over my shoulder pissing. Didn’t think their was any reason to go this far. How you pay that guy to ram into my car, my child was in the back seat. Afterwards brought me a cup of juice, help to get loose. Take my mind of things. Really you want to see me fall, never make it all. Perfect.
I need someone to watch me. Been alone up until now thus far. I’ve been trying really hard. Look at all these scars. Please watch me. Never need to go far. Just wanted a home where I didn’t feel so alone. More than just anger, more than just sadness, frustration, sleep deprivation, meanings lost transnational, happiness, pain, pride, joy, every emotion I’ve ever known. Plucked by insanity, slammed back into my heart by gravity. I’ll give you everything. So please help me understand why I feel so guilty for being me.