I’m Actually Pretty Amazing

Rock bottom was a step up to me. Just like my left nut to my right. Treated no different than dirt. Misery is happy while being stepped. No concept of “staying in my place”, or of shackles and being a slave. This was my lot in life. Be the best dirt you can be, don’t disgrace. To the farmers who plant the seed, grass grow, much greener through me. Cows graze. Even without four stomachs, they’ll chew, and regurgitate, happily. Golden milk lactate, shipped and sold. High prices paid, no barter or debate. For years, this was fate, common place, contemplate, life wasn’t horrible, life wasn’t great. Fruit of labor stolen in front your face. Uncontested

Can’t tell it was a shady deal, unless one educates, the mechanisms society lifted up and dropped in place. Right on top of me, too much weight to stand up and topple see. In hindsight, now I know why I stayed quiet properly. Simple economics, the top of the totem pole was never the spot for me. When you try to advance be sure to look out for the opposition. They need you there. Keep the structure enact is the mission. At least one where they talk and choose to listen. Used since birth for all your worth. Discarded, call that pimping. Who I was and the possibilities of my capabilities, grew a distance. To whom does one listen, The voice that calls you dirt or the stars the glisten. Mountains out of mole hills. Molded myself out of dirt. Now finally closing the distance.

Just Want To Be Seen

Fight back, how the body reacts. Took a step back. Looked at the situation holistically. Now I can relax. Someone just wants attention. Your name is their mouth however, the insecurities unmentioned. Relentless, defenseless caught in the tension. Asked this question, is it me or will anyone do ? What’s the premise. A story now deploying because, said accuser’s life is boring. Of course you feel powerless, when in life emotions take a back seat and ego does all the touring. Easily satisfied, hunger never gratified. A stomach will ache on a bowl full of lies. Hype yourself up and live off the high. Grow old, never alleviate the little kid inside. Too big to cry. Too smart to try. Too cool to feel anything other than fly. Breakdown on the inside. Life inherently not fair. So you feeling some sort of pain every here and there. Too hype to care. Pieces of you left everywhere. Get it together man, face your fears. Matter of fact step here, if you think you don’t care. I’ll show you how much I don’t, smile in your face, snap a bone. Better yet I’ll scar you with a couple of words in this tone. Mommy / Daddy can’t talk right now. I’m on the phone. Go play somewhere else.

Stress Free Clouds

   Challenge me to be different. The only way to pave the way. Hard to stay myself, around others, mesmerized by what makes us different. Funny how being yourself is the difference, subtracted by what makes us the same. How can I explain. I don’t like heights but, my friends do. Around them, higher than I feasible like to be. Although down below, at the bottom where I usually be. Never take my eyes off. Solid ground, every meter up, compounds the feeling. This isn’t really where we need to be. Funny how being up here gave me that clarity.

Like the fact that, up here they don’t worry about a thing. Ohh, what piece of mind that brings. Floating from cloud to cloud. one never quite like the other, in how they bring about the same feeling. Mental healing, all be it fleeting. I’ll be back to myself eventually. The heavy boots I wear, should have been a sign. All the homies rocking socks. Not down in the mud, hidden rocks. Reality is, that much easier to grasp. Never forget to look up and consider if need be, easily discard what makes me, me and be like everyone else. Clouds taste a tab bit bitter than cotton candy. Yet still, a bit too sweet.

Still trucking through the mud. Veins I didn’t know existed, appear as I persisted to move my feet. More to me than meets the eye. Like I always say. Never lose sight of who you want to be, by staying yourself. Walking contradiction you love to move forward but,with every step you complain your feet hurt. Funny to say, just like add muscle and veins. Really, just getting closer to the bottom of me. Pain is present because, I’m scared. Only now able to see. This will mean a lot. Laughter from the clouds a reminder. Whenever ready shed these dirty clothes, wash your hands to wash your face. No, not yet.

Need to accomplish what I set out to do in this space. Find and gather all the rocks, stack them up in one place. Confident once all are collected, the need to keeps boots on, neglect it. My kin is the one who will benefit. Struggle freely then climb the rocks to the clouds on your own.

Who would have thought. Distraction to be stress free clouds.

Status of a loser

Dreamt the day, no longer crippled by anxiety and self loathing. My body healed and fixed, refashioned into armor used to protect, external loathing. No longer a threat. Negativity bounces off never to leave a scratch. The last thing to worry about is, my skin with a random cut. I remember nights sleeping, jumping awake whenever I felt something on my leg creeping. Easily bruised, not enough challenges over-came, to mold the man, I inspire to become.

With each mistake I folded, anxiety took the chance, never to let it slip. Self loathing, the acceleration that brought me down. Most people don’t willingly, randomly walk on nails. When faced with the opportunity, there isn’t usually a gun to our backs. Threatening to paralyze, our last thought in time. Only promise of tomorrow, is on the other side of that spike bed, if we are lucky. At maximum ten bloody toes. Sadly whenever, I get to thinking about how much my toes hurt, naturally shift weight onto my heels. Nails stuck a little deeper than necessary, couldn’t relax and take my time.

Much pressure to hurry, in due time. Took too long to cross. Hollow bullet in my spine. Least if I, just make it to the end and fall, it won’t be on the spikes. Halfway through without a clue. How many centimeters, off my foot, left behind. Hate that I technically put myself through this, simply to survive. Best option for some, not really equipped enough to fight.

Yet still I choose not to fight anyone but myself. There is no gun. Really I do this for fun. If a push is all it takes, let me be the one to push myself to the next step. Put yourself through just to say you can do it. Eventually the day will be won.

Giving it All I got

       Please take my innocence, if that’s the requirement, to never worry about a penny spent. From my experience, time, energy and dedication simple doesn’t cut it. To get, I must first receive, So here I am with my forehead on the ground lower than my knees. Refusing to beg and pleased, therefore a pray. To the ones heaven-sent, fell down to earth just to steal from the penniless. Humanity forced into a false reality, nothing is more real than money.

    Devils walk and stomp the earth. Sad to say it’s their turf. Within the artificial grass where I lurk. Those who came first, did, and did away with the dirt. Nothing could possibly grow here. Curse not being born first. Second child, only able to stand in close proximity to a smile. Even without ears, you can still hear. The sadness distilled by madness. Tragedy now a regular everyday occurrence.

    Even better for you, if you don’t quite get the reference. Devils never walked the earth. Truthfully, just other people, like you and me. A vendetta to the moon and the stars, for they are constantly above them. Even I sometimes feel nothing should be above me. If I can’t have it, no one can, burn everything down, burn everything around. That way, it’s just me. A sole existence. Cremation to the sensation, artificial grass inhalation.

Surrounded on both sides, for even my hands don’t work for me anymore. To tired, when the day is done to do anything for myself. For this is the last day. Tomorrow I will get paid. Buy a bed, with some silk, smoother than milk for my head to lay. Malnourished only dreaming of better days. I want it all because, without it I feel so small.