Couple days, Couple Nights

A little hung up, quietly star stuck. The information is hard to face. Redirected really reflected, everything is left up to me again. Truthfully the facts came full circle but, even a coin looks like a straight line when standing on edge. A matter of perspective, it bounced back as soon as I sent it away. Ping pong games for days. No food, less sleep, closed my eyes and waited for the ball to cross the line. Best prepare myself, If I loose now, the score will be one and one, the game will be tied. Funny enough or sad, I never wanted to play, only needed to. Prerequisite for getting close to you. Realized after I gave up, tired of playing. Their was no real end. Once a match is done, the prize is you get to play again.

I’m starting to feel their is no you, this is all you do, no judgement. Roped me in with false promises filled of nothing, I stuck around hoping to be crowned king. My decree will be law. Let us Lay in each other arms fantasizing, about laying in each others arms.

 

This Time It’s Different

Oh no here we go, all this energy expended, nothing to show. Pores opened, sweat exposed, walked down a straight line death row. Left behind a trail of flowers, bloomed, where in the ground imprinted my big toe. This is the route for the next prisoner to go. Live to die, came just to go. live to die, came just to go. No circle of life here, evidence knows. Truth be told, even the dead petals won’t put any nutrients in the soil. Death in dry spades, lost opportunities for shade turn the landscape one dull shade of gray. Live to die, it doesn’t work in the reverse way.

Appetizers for lunch

This whole thing is not good enough. Honest with myself, yet never true enough. I hide while you decide, only natural when we face life stuck on pride. I’m ashamed of nothing, we weren’t always ride or die. Throw a rock and hide. You never really put your differences aside, to work together. We need. Compromise with some lies. In the moment is fine,  sadly I knew this duct taped heart-break would come undo in due time. You read between the lines and I just read them. Still won’t blame you for, our actions towards other people.

Only when we miss treat them. Leave them and deceive them. You worked hard on shining this armor. I too become pissed off hen I see chinks in it. Attacks come from everywhere, blind side, the distance. Go on the chase mile ran, more like ate. Main course the shooter, on a plate, wait how is the sniper smaller in person. Now this where I start cursing. All this energy, time and effort spent for what and you still gotta fix the armor. Reacting never adapting.

Trapping never relaxing. We got some rules to set a future to protect. Life will have a shit storm and leave you to clean up the mess. If we do this we do it for the best. We don’t have time to regress. Simply can’t , make progress being satisfied with what you achieved. Happiness is a fun chase, I believe. Catch and release, hide and go seek, Speak and believe. Two faced is no longer what we shall be. Only state a claim once we both agree. I won’t lie to you saying “no, I agree to this”. Overpower guilty pleasure, secret measure. Appetizers for the soul written into letters.

Sit Down

porch_2

Tear drop falls into a pool of water, ripple effect. A calm, alertness. The human body is mostly comprised of water. The feeling of someone talking directly to you. Almost through you. ” What’s he going to say next”. Nothing else matters expect that. Next few seconds listen intently in fact. Tunnel vision, know where I gotta go. Well known, what I gotta do. Driven down this road before, focused on distractions in the rear view. This time the ride down is accompanied by a water drop. ” Wasn’t crying, only one tear got away”. Ways to deny the fact you’ve reached your lowest point. Stead fast to the bottom.

Lower than your boot. This pain, shame, weighing heavy on the brain will take root. Tear drop soaked into the ground and hit’s roots. Inflections get deep. Reaches parts of you unknown and unseen. Never Remembering that in complete darkness, better yet the absence of light. Everything is everything, not a single difference in sight. Nothing. Inside I felt nothing at the time, certainly better than something.
” I’m tired of feeling so empty, so used, mistreated, confused, suppressed urges to lash out, be rude”.
Swore to never be that type of dude.

Realizing promises are formed with either or intentions. To be broken or to be kept. My intentions, where to smash their faces in and have them slept on. Lifeless bodies, unrecognizable only mothers wept on. Sometimes you have too, let yourself get upset. Up to the challenge I must step, how can I get mad when, Promises to myself are un-kept. Two drops in the water, twice as alert, slightly unsettled. Water starting to boil in a kettle.

Tired to cover my heart with metal. No in, No out. Air and liquid still made it in, water in the dirt never hurt. Almost time for the roots to give birth. Impatience is the worst, lesson I’ve rehearsed. Still don’t quite get it. Forget it, pretend to get the mind off things, ohh how that brings you right back to square one. We stay here like it’s fun, done, out ready to run. Three tears drops are a pattern, after the third another six more will come. Speaking directly to me now.

Extremely unsettling, more life threatening. Armor around my heart is coming undone. No longer peaceful. Kettle, heat filled. Pridefully steams out, scream out. Ran outside with red eyes. Everything sucks but, not enough to cry about. Temporarily run away from home. Leave behind everything. Sadly this is a metaphor for the body. Won’t happen unless one becomes godly. What ended up happening is me running a couple blocks. Thinking something along the lines of unfair. I don’t care. Even this far I still hear the kettle on the stove. Since it’s mines, no one else knows.

Do you hear that ?

Not quite, what do you mean ? The bird humming ?”

Lol probably someone’s phone.

My problems always seem tame in comparison. Stand on the street corner unable to decided the time. I should self sacrifice to the garrison. Even when low, you can still get lower, I wish tomorrow will come a little bit slower. I know life isn’t fair however, when other people go out of their way to make things worst, the troll it takes on your soul happens gradually. The same way I do what I gotta do, so I can stay me and be happen, is the same way I gotta let other people do what they do, even if their outcome and intentions effect my life drastically.

One question came to mind when I learned my lesson. Would you rather build or destroy ? Impatience tested my creditably. Be the best possible version of myself. Silly me the completion was always me. So I walked back home, open the door and locked it behind me. I’m not going anywhere, until I can deal with all of my problems and still sleep soundly. Attack me if you will, devour it all, while staying unaffected. Profoundly.

Fear, You came for me

More to the experience, than meets the eye. First, it starts with a thought. One like any other. “I don’t like this”. Imagine a quiet whisper, followed by the bang of a drum. Vibration circulation action articulation. Body and mind move as one. Dry throat try to swallow. Sweat drip down the back. Still shaking, confidence breaking. No mistaking. A sickness settles in. I’m down for the count my friends. Middle of the chest, slow movement to speed up the heart, a little to the left. Grab it, before it breaks loose. This body is no longer safe. Poison thicker than paint. I downed the bucket like a shot of rum. Live through this a couple of gray hairs are deserved. Fear this sweet strictly unheard. Physical manifestation of my worth.

Anything for a dollar. Tighten the tie around my collar. Pain helped me appreciate breathing. Sensation of leaving, pleasing. Now. I know, I once was, happily on my way.
Convulsions going in an upward motion. This the notion, about to throw up. Better yet hold it in, never leave behind my kin. Mind and body just broke up again. Better than the alternative, showing any signs of weakness. Leave my enemies, happy, speechless. Sickness will forever be a part of me. If I was a tree, let the termites hollow me. All the way through, didn’t think this. Made evil my mistress all because I rather something…sorry someone to sleep with. Miss step in the right direction.

Internal reflection. Learn by inspection. What reasons do I have to put my heart out there, without a care. Unfair trade, constantly targeted for play. Never truly challenged face to face, heart to heart. Left mines to go searching for another in the dark. The unknown, is my life spark. Confident I can always find my way back to me. Loneliness is attracting. From my real problems, detracting. Happiness acting. Always laughing. I want to giggle like a baby from a tickle. Living my life so fickle.

Now I’m afraid of anyone willingly to lend and ear. Do they really care. Afraid to share, even for myself, ear plugs, brought a pair. Got a new tattoo. A scar , willfully put there. Keeps the memory potent whenever I look, until then unaware.

Imagine every time you spoke, the ones closest to you took it as a joke but, your jokes are taken seriously. When ever you felt uneasy they appeared mysteriously. Then again who’s to say the egg came before the chicken. Right in my eye, blind sided by intentions, won’t forget to mention poison is relentless. The greatest test, during time of distressing. Constantly mind messing, character and idea pressing. Around you, couple of seconds of second guessing. Added over time, “I don’t like this” rings louder. Pain trickles down my spine.

Someone to humble me, mumbled me. Obstacles need to grow. I was missing. “You’re actually trying to hurt me ?” I was dissing. Tables turn, lesson burned, looking over my shoulder pissing. Didn’t think their was any reason to go this far. How you pay that guy to ram into my car, my child was in the back seat. Afterwards brought me a cup of juice, help to get loose. Take my mind of things. Really you want to see me fall, never make it all. Perfect.

I need someone to watch me. Been alone up until now thus far. I’ve been trying really hard. Look at all these scars. Please watch me. Never need to go far. Just wanted a home where I didn’t feel so alone. More than just anger, more than just sadness, frustration, sleep deprivation, meanings lost transnational, happiness, pain, pride, joy, every emotion I’ve ever known. Plucked by insanity, slammed back into my heart by gravity. I’ll give you everything. So please help me understand why I feel so guilty for being me.