Crystal Clear Blood

Floating_2

Can you smell. Fresh sent.

Paper cut. How can such a thin sheet of paper make me bleed so much. Red is the feeling. Realization of once was. Now literally pouring out of me. Will never be the same. Life reaped out before the blood had a chance to touch the floor. Splattered mercilessly on the ground. Truth concealed, false reality. I’m only human. More specific only one person. Not an immortal god, never had the juice. Red stains hindsight proof, lack of will power towards walking forward into an abyss. My sanity ain’t ready for this. Nostalgia had me. Caught up in a memory distracting from the sting. Focused on the inside, blood flows through my veins right. If all of it came out. I’ll die won’t I ? Constantly thinking about death now.

Don’t I,

History flashes before my eyes. Time a wall never to be touch but to jump back in time and forget all is a must. Remember, memories , take center stage, this can’t be real it’s a play. Curtains opened up to show me. Looking back the actors were bad, matter of fact if this is pulled directly from life. It’s looking kinda sad. Emotions and intentions don’t line up correctly. She smiling but from this third point of view I can tell she trying to hurt me. Although I’m smiling, all I see is a lost little boy. Tired and lonely. These are supposed to be highlights in my life. I was certain. Shit more pain. The cut opened up and worsen. Should be indestructible, only dealing with matter of “fact’. I was certain. Why all the extras and actors in the back row look like snakes lurking. Almost like with every new experience or piece of information. I see through more and more bullshit. While loosing patience.

Their I go again taking actions, clearly shady. Not as good as I make myself out to be. A fallen star landed and almost killed me. That makes it mines now. Mad that it shot back up and left me. Took it out on the nearest beautiful scenery. Left it ugly. The play continued. The pain traveled up my arm and just went loose. No Love could be found anywhere. One evil villain right after another entered to scheme and left to continue on with their dream. My Whole life, nothing was what it seemed. Burning question, what does it all mean.

Carefully Wished to be lonely

Never careful, with what I wish for. Want it all, then more. How else can you be sure, you got what you’re worth. Not even a piece of mind, to relax my spine. Mommy told me “You deserve less “, Even though, I want only two. Be happy with what you got, honestly an excuse for when unsatisfied, everyone else is telling me what I’m worth. Crazy thing is. It’s not two for me. It’s one for me and one for you. There is a distinct difference between being selfish and achieving a desire, inspire, soar higher. A touchy subject making claims to things, people and places. Let’s stick to knowing what we want, inspire, require and the fulfillment it brings.

Never careful with what I wish for, what reason do I have to let myself be the body stopping me from letting my mornings sing. Tired of waking up, room shaded up. Son. I hope you’re listening. The only thing missing. Went outside, hand scooped some dirt. Carried it in my shirt, traveled through the rain, neighbors thought I was insane, made it up the stairs, now finally here. With this and some seeds, my room will smell like spring. Smell of rain, free air and mowned grass. Shit. Where’s the sun. Guess we’re not done. Poured water, without the shine it won’t be glistening. Cold goose bumps mid winter, chilling.

Now I need, to force a rotation, earth time dilation, for a season with more appreciation for my specific situation. All I did is want, what I want but, it came with a bunch of needs. A ladder to heaven. laid wait, pleasures to be sieged. A change of scene. Flowers to bloom in my room. Sunlight to wake up too.
Instead of.
An alarm clock.

Never careful, strictly harmful. How we unapologetically get in the way of others. What about them? Family, friends, children who have yet to spend a single second on this earth. Well. Now your turf, how I forced mother nature into a crater and pile on the dirt. The same way I’ll do anything for my flowers. Burning gasoline, dull rocks and sticks, a finger with a splinter prick. Wash with soap right after rubbing alcohol. All so when I wake up I can hear laughter in my head. What about them ?Do their dreams not matter. Do you think of anyone but, yourself ?

Viciously disregard emphatic feelings, to yourself these thoughts are treason. Why are you the one stopping you. Let another with a dream come in between.
Try and stop me.

Close my eyes and split a watermelon with a dull rock attached to a stick. Split on the inside. Mommy told me ” you deserve less”. Although I only wanted one. Never careful with what I wish for. Defining my worth, turf. Time will tell you, who and what stops you. When and how, it stops you too.

Lonely dreams to chase.

Stress Free Clouds

   Challenge me to be different. The only way to pave the way. Hard to stay myself, around others, mesmerized by what makes us different. Funny how being yourself is the difference, subtracted by what makes us the same. How can I explain. I don’t like heights but, my friends do. Around them, higher than I feasible like to be. Although down below, at the bottom where I usually be. Never take my eyes off. Solid ground, every meter up, compounds the feeling. This isn’t really where we need to be. Funny how being up here gave me that clarity.

Like the fact that, up here they don’t worry about a thing. Ohh, what piece of mind that brings. Floating from cloud to cloud. one never quite like the other, in how they bring about the same feeling. Mental healing, all be it fleeting. I’ll be back to myself eventually. The heavy boots I wear, should have been a sign. All the homies rocking socks. Not down in the mud, hidden rocks. Reality is, that much easier to grasp. Never forget to look up and consider if need be, easily discard what makes me, me and be like everyone else. Clouds taste a tab bit bitter than cotton candy. Yet still, a bit too sweet.

Still trucking through the mud. Veins I didn’t know existed, appear as I persisted to move my feet. More to me than meets the eye. Like I always say. Never lose sight of who you want to be, by staying yourself. Walking contradiction you love to move forward but,with every step you complain your feet hurt. Funny to say, just like add muscle and veins. Really, just getting closer to the bottom of me. Pain is present because, I’m scared. Only now able to see. This will mean a lot. Laughter from the clouds a reminder. Whenever ready shed these dirty clothes, wash your hands to wash your face. No, not yet.

Need to accomplish what I set out to do in this space. Find and gather all the rocks, stack them up in one place. Confident once all are collected, the need to keeps boots on, neglect it. My kin is the one who will benefit. Struggle freely then climb the rocks to the clouds on your own.

Who would have thought. Distraction to be stress free clouds.

Status of a loser

Dreamt the day, no longer crippled by anxiety and self loathing. My body healed and fixed, refashioned into armor used to protect, external loathing. No longer a threat. Negativity bounces off never to leave a scratch. The last thing to worry about is, my skin with a random cut. I remember nights sleeping, jumping awake whenever I felt something on my leg creeping. Easily bruised, not enough challenges over-came, to mold the man, I inspire to become.

With each mistake I folded, anxiety took the chance, never to let it slip. Self loathing, the acceleration that brought me down. Most people don’t willingly, randomly walk on nails. When faced with the opportunity, there isn’t usually a gun to our backs. Threatening to paralyze, our last thought in time. Only promise of tomorrow, is on the other side of that spike bed, if we are lucky. At maximum ten bloody toes. Sadly whenever, I get to thinking about how much my toes hurt, naturally shift weight onto my heels. Nails stuck a little deeper than necessary, couldn’t relax and take my time.

Much pressure to hurry, in due time. Took too long to cross. Hollow bullet in my spine. Least if I, just make it to the end and fall, it won’t be on the spikes. Halfway through without a clue. How many centimeters, off my foot, left behind. Hate that I technically put myself through this, simply to survive. Best option for some, not really equipped enough to fight.

Yet still I choose not to fight anyone but myself. There is no gun. Really I do this for fun. If a push is all it takes, let me be the one to push myself to the next step. Put yourself through just to say you can do it. Eventually the day will be won.

Giving it All I got

       Please take my innocence, if that’s the requirement, to never worry about a penny spent. From my experience, time, energy and dedication simple doesn’t cut it. To get, I must first receive, So here I am with my forehead on the ground lower than my knees. Refusing to beg and pleased, therefore a pray. To the ones heaven-sent, fell down to earth just to steal from the penniless. Humanity forced into a false reality, nothing is more real than money.

    Devils walk and stomp the earth. Sad to say it’s their turf. Within the artificial grass where I lurk. Those who came first, did, and did away with the dirt. Nothing could possibly grow here. Curse not being born first. Second child, only able to stand in close proximity to a smile. Even without ears, you can still hear. The sadness distilled by madness. Tragedy now a regular everyday occurrence.

    Even better for you, if you don’t quite get the reference. Devils never walked the earth. Truthfully, just other people, like you and me. A vendetta to the moon and the stars, for they are constantly above them. Even I sometimes feel nothing should be above me. If I can’t have it, no one can, burn everything down, burn everything around. That way, it’s just me. A sole existence. Cremation to the sensation, artificial grass inhalation.

Surrounded on both sides, for even my hands don’t work for me anymore. To tired, when the day is done to do anything for myself. For this is the last day. Tomorrow I will get paid. Buy a bed, with some silk, smoother than milk for my head to lay. Malnourished only dreaming of better days. I want it all because, without it I feel so small.