Coffee Flavored Sugar Free Gum

Sugar_Free

Too good for you, a king.

Waking up a servant to desires. Brew my water. Temperatures reach higher. I better not burn myself.  A useful necessity, energy spike. In the morning, never stays throughout the day. I need it the most. Painful, it has to be this way.

Lost in the title. Even a bubble will forget where it came from. Floating up towards the clouds. The only life it knows, in the only way it knows how. Right before it pops, right before its sure that ascendance was it’s and it’s alone. Right before the feeling of…..

“Hoping I can stay like this forever”.

Second only to bliss. It will pop. It will pop and with it an an accompanying scream.

“What is going on” ?

Too self-aware of hopelessness to curse. A wish is made. Time move in reverse. Slowly put together the pieces radiating outwards. Pain staking glue the connection out of sight. A new bubble is reformed. What was once inspiring. Left the stage after it performed. No encore from this audience. More amused with the curtains.

“What’s going on” ?

5 different elements pulled together. To make this perfect. To be out done and made worthless by someone who didn’t even want to be here. Fell through the roof. Rather, rain on my parade. Nothing left to do, backing up, walk away. Cool off in the shade. Mind in a haze. What am I to do from today. Which started off peacefully. What goes around comes around got stuck somewhere on the way. In heat. Little problems on my mind seldom melt away. Catch fire when I magnify issues of yesterday and today.

“What’s going on” ?

Feeling, one with the shade. One with the shadow, following tracks. Glued to backs. Always around even when the sun is out. Complex to simple to nothing. No going back. Chewed bubble gum popped. Spat on the ground to be stepped in. Now someone else’s issue. Scraping it off. Ain’t hard, just a little tricky. Associate darkness with being sticky. Oozing out the walls. Aiming straight at my head.

“What’s going on” ?

Wrote this down, when I fell hard on my face. From high up. Seldom speak because, the walls, listen. Part of the conversation. Get Rid of them and the roof caves in. Vibrations bounce off and back into the microphone, sounding like light whispers everywhere. Catching feelings like a cold. What are you supposed to do when even the bitterness leaves you empty. This gum and this coffee got me, forever hungry.

“What’s going on with me” ?

Temptation is a tight fit. A solid fitting ring even. One night flings. Sweeping up broken dreams. Covering my ears in the night, though I hear the screams. Only person in the crowd not willing to give up a damn thing.

“What’s wrong with me… simple ain’t for you ”

it’s Most definitely for me.

Stop Me, I know What I’m Doing

We’ve all smiled before, in some resemblance of the feeling, felt happy. As much as I want it for myself, I want it for others as well. Only those closest to me. Everyone isn’t as deserving of happiness. Even me, at times wonder how can, I make the people I care about happy or express in certain terms, how much I care. Seems as if, smiling and what does it mean to smile don’t go hand in hand.

Letting go of my perceptions of the two, after the incident, they no longer hold true. Without direction wondering, lost in my my mind, desperately trying to find the error in my way. Hoping that the cause of it all, isn’t me. Paving my path. Walking backwards into history. You always had a way of making me feel good about life. Not even trying too, more so focused on the outcome of your day. Ended up sticking my nose where kids shouldn’t play. Growing out of my shell, conceitedly thinking I’m doing well. Reciprocity, name of the tunnel I viewed you, in my goal.

To make you feel how, I want you to feel. Happy for as long as you saw fit, just didn’t sit right with me. Unlike the choices you make, never intending to effect anyone. What was transpiring here, solely to effect you. Isn’t that how it works. Gift delivered, smile received, all according to plan. All of the green jelly beans taken care of, hopefully you notice but, don’t overtly acknowledge my hard work. That would be weird, say some shit like

“wow, no green jelly beans, I must be lucky.”

Mind you, it need’s to be subtly and understood by me, for this to work. Hard not to stare expecting something. First store sold them in packets, open the pack, more green than anything. After that waste, went farther to the market. Card declined, the purchase of jelly beans before seemed suspicious to the bank. Standing so long on line, had emotional control unreliant. Put it on credit, card limit forget it. Only after I feel credited. So you see didn’t go through all this trouble “cuz” of me. Best believe from you, I don’t need, nothing. A little something for my troubles, no need for you to allow me to take anything. A smile is all I ask. No appreciation, found in every part of the interaction. Smiled only because, you where laughing.

TV is on, what a distraction from what I’ve done. Angry at me for acting dumb when asked, something is wrong. Never meant anything to me, stop fishing where the fish is absent. Finally feeling the difference, obsessive recollection, highlighted my hubris. Too much of me found in, what is supposed to be done for you. Not getting it, your decisions are all you too. Although excessive amounts of the need to appease you, still not found. I question everything known to me. One step short of questioning myself.

Never actually liking you. Chasing the feel good. Upset that for you, so much done with purpose, while for me. I felt good as a by product. Where is the difference between the two, let me spell it. No appreciations for what I went through, blessing not intended for me still a blessing received. Accept this now or at least pretend to be happy for me. Clearly deserve, continually served disappointment. Stop for a second and actually think, leave the center, place me at the top of your world. A fraction of what I truly want too ask. Not much from you.

All about me, no longer about you