Giving it All I got

       Please take my innocence, if that’s the requirement, to never worry about a penny spent. From my experience, time, energy and dedication simple doesn’t cut it. To get, I must first receive, So here I am with my forehead on the ground lower than my knees. Refusing to beg and pleased, therefore a pray. To the ones heaven-sent, fell down to earth just to steal from the penniless. Humanity forced into a false reality, nothing is more real than money.

    Devils walk and stomp the earth. Sad to say it’s their turf. Within the artificial grass where I lurk. Those who came first, did, and did away with the dirt. Nothing could possibly grow here. Curse not being born first. Second child, only able to stand in close proximity to a smile. Even without ears, you can still hear. The sadness distilled by madness. Tragedy now a regular everyday occurrence.

    Even better for you, if you don’t quite get the reference. Devils never walked the earth. Truthfully, just other people, like you and me. A vendetta to the moon and the stars, for they are constantly above them. Even I sometimes feel nothing should be above me. If I can’t have it, no one can, burn everything down, burn everything around. That way, it’s just me. A sole existence. Cremation to the sensation, artificial grass inhalation.

Surrounded on both sides, for even my hands don’t work for me anymore. To tired, when the day is done to do anything for myself. For this is the last day. Tomorrow I will get paid. Buy a bed, with some silk, smoother than milk for my head to lay. Malnourished only dreaming of better days. I want it all because, without it I feel so small.

Sitting in my boxers

“Writing”

Imagine for a second, lifting your arm straight up, above your head, now jump back to catch a frisbee. It’s always a game at first. No stakes, nothing personal, amusing ourselves with this fun. Getting more into it we end up walking out, with a lot less than what we started with. Caught up in the moments of tension, I lost part of myself. Taken with my reasoning, while spreading a web of white lies. Imagine jumping back now, not falling this time. Thoughts wrapping.

“yeah you caught this frisbee, now you’re going to throw it back” !

Actions slightly off balance. They notice it.

“Hmm he threw it a little harder this time, what’s their aim ?”

The return a little higher this time. I fall down while looking stupid. Pride a little hurt.

“I wasn’t planning on falling down today!”

The back and forth seeming endless as long as they throw it back you will do the same, we don’t want to be the one carrying the Frisbee, for the rest of the day. Both spinning the smallest of silk. Hungry to send the Frisbee back at them, hoping to hit, by accident. A game no more, not looking to get hurt, instinctively hurt first. I will carry the frisbee for the day but, you will carry that pain much longer. This is war, the battle is already won. The fear is gone and the tension is over, I realized that you aren’t a spider. You didn’t spin a web. Stuck in the moment you became my prey, to fill my desire for comfort. I didn’t want to let you know the truth, scared you would have power over me, I made sure I had power over you. Landing back down from the jump. Ready to return and have fun only with myself.

My Cyborg Self

CyborgSelf

Provide the Space

key
Friend= ME
Paid Actor = Closest friend
Shorty = I like her even more
Shorty: It’s not all about you “Friend”

Here we are again, almost as if purposely, I drove down the wrong side of the street. “Shorty” as the traffic officer, tired of giving me tickets, impounds the car. I swear, I’m paying attention to the road and following the traffic signs. That I’m not just acting or disregarding your warnings and tickets. It’s just that, before you started the job, I’ve been going down this road my whole life. Everyone I’ve ever known drives down this road. Even you, when you aren’t on duty.

” I don’t inspire to be selfless”

“Thinking only about the self, skews information.”

“Cloudy information makes it harder to see the sun”
“Feeling conflicted”

“The only time the concept of selfishness comes up is during the conversations I have with her”
“When comfortable more of myself is willing to come out”

“Around “shorty” I am most comfortable”
” If she is seeing parts of me, no-one else gets to see, her insight should hold a lot of weight”

“Which of my actions, gives off the strongest feeling of selfness. Back track from there to the thought process behind it, then the feelings.”

After some thought by breaking down my actions piece by piece. The Letter “I” is ever-present. Lots, if not all of my sentences start and end with “I”. Even the middle is dominated by “I”.  Always, all about me.

” How did I end up here, when usually my goal is to learn more about others during conversation.”

Friend : ” Yooo, bro, hear this predicament !”

Paid Actor:  “You selfish as fu*k bro, I just never tell you. I like the freelance work.” *puts down script*

” Even, my closest friend agrees. “

” He is a great listener, I know he looks to understand first before anything. So much so, If I don’t stop talking he won’t find the opportunity to jump in.”

“Shorty is a greatest listener thus far”

” All the more reason to trust her…..”

With that finally being acknowledged. I’m beginning to understand the catalysis that, makes the interactions with her different from most. In most conversations, the hat of a listener is worn more often. “Shorty” never takes off, her hat. In the moments where I feel I’m truly being understood. I can’t help but, to talk.

“I” statements are my primary way of expressing that feeling of ” hey, let’s open up and talk to each other” . When I open up, I do it to provide a space where, the other people can feel comfortable, not attacked or judged.

“People naturally like to talk about themselves, making ambiguous statements about myself, others naturally talked about themselves too.”

“Shorty rarely talks about herself unless asked”

“of course, since I’m being Hurd, I go on and on…”

Without her natural drive to partake and bring herself up. We would literally only talk about me for hours. She didn’t bring herself up so I assumed, she was just really interested in talking about me. Little did I realized, she was waiting for the go ahead. The definitive instance, where it was absolutely clear, she is the star of the show (my world).

Talking about myself and waiting for others, to bring themselves up isn’t the only method of finding out more, of bonding.”

” The thought never occurred to me”

“Repeat it, to make it stick”

My new goal is to be a megaphone. For her, first and foremost. Secondly for people who are less inclined to talk about themselves. Everyone has something unbelievably amazing about them. Listen long enough and you will find out. I already feel amazing about myself, irregardless if others know or care to know.

Provide the silence