Sit Down

porch_2

Tear drop falls into a pool of water, ripple effect. A calm, alertness. The human body is mostly comprised of water. The feeling of someone talking directly to you. Almost through you. ” What’s he going to say next”. Nothing else matters expect that. Next few seconds listen intently in fact. Tunnel vision, know where I gotta go. Well known, what I gotta do. Driven down this road before, focused on distractions in the rear view. This time the ride down is accompanied by a water drop. ” Wasn’t crying, only one tear got away”. Ways to deny the fact you’ve reached your lowest point. Stead fast to the bottom.

Lower than your boot. This pain, shame, weighing heavy on the brain will take root. Tear drop soaked into the ground and hit’s roots. Inflections get deep. Reaches parts of you unknown and unseen. Never Remembering that in complete darkness, better yet the absence of light. Everything is everything, not a single difference in sight. Nothing. Inside I felt nothing at the time, certainly better than something.
” I’m tired of feeling so empty, so used, mistreated, confused, suppressed urges to lash out, be rude”.
Swore to never be that type of dude.

Realizing promises are formed with either or intentions. To be broken or to be kept. My intentions, where to smash their faces in and have them slept on. Lifeless bodies, unrecognizable only mothers wept on. Sometimes you have too, let yourself get upset. Up to the challenge I must step, how can I get mad when, Promises to myself are un-kept. Two drops in the water, twice as alert, slightly unsettled. Water starting to boil in a kettle.

Tired to cover my heart with metal. No in, No out. Air and liquid still made it in, water in the dirt never hurt. Almost time for the roots to give birth. Impatience is the worst, lesson I’ve rehearsed. Still don’t quite get it. Forget it, pretend to get the mind off things, ohh how that brings you right back to square one. We stay here like it’s fun, done, out ready to run. Three tears drops are a pattern, after the third another six more will come. Speaking directly to me now.

Extremely unsettling, more life threatening. Armor around my heart is coming undone. No longer peaceful. Kettle, heat filled. Pridefully steams out, scream out. Ran outside with red eyes. Everything sucks but, not enough to cry about. Temporarily run away from home. Leave behind everything. Sadly this is a metaphor for the body. Won’t happen unless one becomes godly. What ended up happening is me running a couple blocks. Thinking something along the lines of unfair. I don’t care. Even this far I still hear the kettle on the stove. Since it’s mines, no one else knows.

Do you hear that ?

Not quite, what do you mean ? The bird humming ?”

Lol probably someone’s phone.

My problems always seem tame in comparison. Stand on the street corner unable to decided the time. I should self sacrifice to the garrison. Even when low, you can still get lower, I wish tomorrow will come a little bit slower. I know life isn’t fair however, when other people go out of their way to make things worst, the troll it takes on your soul happens gradually. The same way I do what I gotta do, so I can stay me and be happen, is the same way I gotta let other people do what they do, even if their outcome and intentions effect my life drastically.

One question came to mind when I learned my lesson. Would you rather build or destroy ? Impatience tested my creditably. Be the best possible version of myself. Silly me the completion was always me. So I walked back home, open the door and locked it behind me. I’m not going anywhere, until I can deal with all of my problems and still sleep soundly. Attack me if you will, devour it all, while staying unaffected. Profoundly.

Mind You I can’t Fly

What does it sound like to float.
Imagine skateboarding on a quiet afternoon. You only hear you.
Imagine singing in the shower. You only hear you.
Stethoscope to the heart. Beat one. Beat two.
Sometimes I forget. I exist too.
Just as much a part of the world, as everything else around me.
Stay quiet, listen soundly.
To the sounds of the world.
Feedback loop.
It hears you too.

Play off each other in harmony.
Just as both sides of a snake move together in unison.
Before I moved, as if, the world specifically wronged only me.
I had too, get even.
before I left.
Death was always right behind me.
Never left, the back of my mind.
Makes no sense.
In the past, I couldn’t have died.
I’m here today.
Just like the future, although.
Not as sadly, death is always on its way.

I can leave at any moment.
So I find myself holding on too tightly.
A belt, just needs to hold your pants up.
Leaving imprints around my waist.
Any space I have the privilege to occupy.
Don’t let them forget you where here.
Well forgotten everywhere.
Can’t always occupy space in people’s minds.
Everything has to go sometimes.

That being said. I can only float for a bit.
Sometimes I gotta think about other shit.

Carefully Wished to be lonely

Never careful, with what I wish for. Want it all, then more. How else can you be sure, you got what you’re worth. Not even a piece of mind, to relax my spine. Mommy told me “You deserve less “, Even though, I want only two. Be happy with what you got, honestly an excuse for when unsatisfied, everyone else is telling me what I’m worth. Crazy thing is. It’s not two for me. It’s one for me and one for you. There is a distinct difference between being selfish and achieving a desire, inspire, soar higher. A touchy subject making claims to things, people and places. Let’s stick to knowing what we want, inspire, require and the fulfillment it brings.

Never careful with what I wish for, what reason do I have to let myself be the body stopping me from letting my mornings sing. Tired of waking up, room shaded up. Son. I hope you’re listening. The only thing missing. Went outside, hand scooped some dirt. Carried it in my shirt, traveled through the rain, neighbors thought I was insane, made it up the stairs, now finally here. With this and some seeds, my room will smell like spring. Smell of rain, free air and mowned grass. Shit. Where’s the sun. Guess we’re not done. Poured water, without the shine it won’t be glistening. Cold goose bumps mid winter, chilling.

Now I need, to force a rotation, earth time dilation, for a season with more appreciation for my specific situation. All I did is want, what I want but, it came with a bunch of needs. A ladder to heaven. laid wait, pleasures to be sieged. A change of scene. Flowers to bloom in my room. Sunlight to wake up too.
Instead of.
An alarm clock.

Never careful, strictly harmful. How we unapologetically get in the way of others. What about them? Family, friends, children who have yet to spend a single second on this earth. Well. Now your turf, how I forced mother nature into a crater and pile on the dirt. The same way I’ll do anything for my flowers. Burning gasoline, dull rocks and sticks, a finger with a splinter prick. Wash with soap right after rubbing alcohol. All so when I wake up I can hear laughter in my head. What about them ?Do their dreams not matter. Do you think of anyone but, yourself ?

Viciously disregard emphatic feelings, to yourself these thoughts are treason. Why are you the one stopping you. Let another with a dream come in between.
Try and stop me.

Close my eyes and split a watermelon with a dull rock attached to a stick. Split on the inside. Mommy told me ” you deserve less”. Although I only wanted one. Never careful with what I wish for. Defining my worth, turf. Time will tell you, who and what stops you. When and how, it stops you too.

Lonely dreams to chase.

Now of All Time

Don’t you hate it when someone lies to your face. More so when you catch them during and not after. Actually seeing the mosquito landing on you and taking a bite. It was a low stake conversation, asking for directions, only to be purposely sent the wrong way. Natural instinct is to fight. I hit the mosquito much harder than necessary, out of spite. Really more so because, I didn’t see it coming. What reasons did I have to let my guard down and allow this shit to take place. Deeper inflection, I didn’t have any. Safe to say I let my guard down because, I wanted too.

Mosquito bite on my left temple, the direction I should have went. A constant reminder of how things could have been. If I scratch, a brief moment of levity followed by a life time of gravity. If I don’t, a numbness we don’t want to let settle and get accustom too. Curse the need to be comfortable. That’s when the advantage is taken, first step, in having the upper hand. Can’t be to comfortable around people, too lacked to see your downfall coming. It’s only when their is a lack of trust in myself, I force it onto others. How else can I logically blame them for my trip back down to earth.

From the truth we’re always running. If we picked our friends, technically we didn’t play a direct hand but,we contributed something. Matter of fact not for nothing, even if we tell ourselves, this is a itch you can’t scratch. Really we are bluffing. We do what we want. In this life you deserve to be you. My excuse to transform a want, into  a need. Is it really so wrong to accept and come to terms with our own greed. The need, to want to, be happy. Friends and mosquitoes, to want and to need are concepts in direct opposition.

Yet here I am comparing a friend to a pest, the need to breathe to getting a bitter emotion off my chest. Hard to say for myself I know what’s best. Opposites do attract however, in this case, birds of the same feather, flock together. Feeling comfortable around your own, I rather bite then be bitten, rather claim I need it than learn a lesson. Life just isn’t infested with happiness. Still lost in the low stake conversation, turns out a mirror can not be your friend-enemy, although the refection can you see. look yourself in the eye, only to whisper lie to me. Knowing who you aren’t same as knowing who you are.

On my left temple, a combination of, time, impatience, lack luster will power and left pointer finger. Is all it took to leave a scar. Some of us don’t know just how far we are willing to go to be happy. So much so, we hurt ourselves in the process.