What Did I Forget

Who do you want to be. I might just fuck around and actually say it. Put down my guard and seize. Look inside myself and believe, feel relieved. Call me conceited but, “Greatest in the world” is a title meant for me. Now, from today, every person I met has a lesson to teach, new goals for me to reach. Events in life, destiny preach. Latch on, gaze into what I seek, discover, redefine the mystique. All my mistakes, keep away from bleach. Underdog is my bacholer’s degree. Swim to the horizon’s peak. Give others a head start and still win with ease. From today, how I feel inside, free, cup overflown with pride. Tell no lie, heart of a lion, forever young. Never Die.

Mindless pleasures

Stand still for a minute. Think about anything.

Just not how you’re standing.

Habitual ritual, deserves some explanation. A couple of steps back. Begin tracing, let’s call it. When the season change. See the earth is not yours it mines, took me a long time. Next stop the top of it. keeping eyes open during the drop. Seen it all.

First the beginning of Fall. All my deep seeded troubles lead back to a time when I was clueless to the movement of the wind. Whispers as attacks are harder to shake off, let the weight off and make off with a sprint. Face plant, trapped in a box,. Poked holes, my image, self-worth, pride, desires, personality traits hard-wired. Could have said you can’t change a tire, patience Stretched thin. Real me coming out the seems. Ready to devour all the lines and everything in between. Abuse, more quietly mistreat, tornado of soot. Whole front half covered, other side is clean, there I planted a seed trying to grow a tree. You don’t even have your own back covered. Fearless one must be, turn a blind eye, let it lay witness to why trees have falling leaves. Old habits that couldn’t make it, colors on the ground beautiful. Cannibal leaves take place. Grow with haste, all about the chase. Winter whispers on the way.

Seen the end and all.  Frozen in mid-air nothing can fall. Holding on tight, grabbed onto the fabric of life. Slow inducing fright. Time likes to play, it sure played me. When I hit, i’ll shatter like glass, anything touched on the way down broken too, unintelligible. Luck on the side, put me back together, had to learn, with what this weather concerns with. wrong elements create tension when mixed, all ready fixed, won’t play pretend. Mistakes figured, so long retention. Back in action. Stay up on the count of peeps, sugary sweet. Every slight twitch, you been caught by “distract “. The whole story just been faxed. Whatever you do left up to interpretation, that mines now in fact. Saw a child pass and you walked right after him. Such a shame, presentation to blame, slow footage warps brain. Slightly different perspective on things. Movement is proof. Specially in cold rain. Dirt inspector. Turn heat injector. Spring trifecta.

Flowers, warmth and grievance. Hindsight achievements now that winter is leaving. Transaction, sold everything I believed in. For a feeling this pleasing. No receipts. Worried by how long this will last. Got what I wanted, never want what I got. Middle of a meadow found a spot. Put your heart at the center of it all. Didn’t do it right unless I catch anxiety while breathing. So little to believe in. Arrangement of the presentation eye candy decoration. Real fruit mixed in with fake fruit on the dinner table. Pick one that doesn’t hurt when you eat. Starve for 40 days, everything hurts when you eat it. Over abundance, nuance redundant. Giving really is a fearsome trap in fact. Guilt, reason for the UN-relax. Went through life taking whatever they gave me, save me. Inch given mile taken,Spring of happiness needs time for relapsing. Sleep with your back towards the world face in a pillow, the tree I see, you’ve grown into is a weeping willow.

Summer the pseudo hero.  Heat once consider a miracle, spiritual, circle of life spherical. Now I hate the innocence in a child’s eyes. Reflection in the mirror too over baring. More distant between the earth and the sun is what there should be.The sun, anything I every wanted for me. Getting to close, watch how what I want is the very thing that burns me. Confusion concerns me, slightly more innocent than anger. Hoping no body heard me. The way this heat is going, you can cook an egg on the ground. Might not like how that sounds but, if the egg is what you gave birth. People will steal and make sounds much worst. All your hard work ended up in a hearse. Misconstrued heat say. Dare say. I’ll miss pay.

Now think about how you aren’t standing.

Line me up for the flex

Easy to be upset, hard to forget. Less stress equals more blessed. Better tomorrow pressed. A known associate of mines, okay a family friend. Alright, my own ***** tried to set me up. Set me up how and for what you ask, a never-ending question the answer must be explored like a jungle not toured like a museum. History scattered, remains intact, feeling some thing is missing, hidden or too distant, keeps me driven. I drove right into a village whose history is a constant pilgrimage. Left behind, to play catch up, forgotten self sabotage makes sure a realization never adds up to the truth. Whatever that maybe for you. Justification to blame others for his problems. This is my answer, this essay written to fight the truth, disprove and let loose feelings forming into a noose. The conversation starts off regular, how was your day ? How are you today ? No, I didn’t know about that. Regularity sets the pace.

As I walk away, back turned heading down the stairs. He calls my name. Some what strange. Like he knew but, didn’t know who he was talking too exactly.  Since you heading that direction, go check in the bathroom, look up at the ceiling, tell me if water is dripping. Okay, you want what ? now ? Check the bathroom ceiling and see if water is still leaking. Still ? Without searching for it intentions subtly revealed. Intentions and outcomes is a wholesome meal. Let them tell you, instead of telling them what they are doing. Too many chefs ruin the pot and I like to eat a lot. I’ll hold this small spot on the ground and sit there. You’ll tell me everything you want me to hear. I’m prepared.

In the bathroom there is a bucket under the leak. Lord bucket, captured by mystique. Silent form of grief. When unable to speak, will be felt rolling in the sheets trying to sleep. A task already completed, my reasoning defeated, there I stood with a half empty bucket. Still didn’t see the issue we have time before we need to switch the bucket it out, when it doubt positivity comes out.

I come back up. Before I even tell him, he’s already answering his own questions. The water there ? It’s still leaking ? The bucket I put there filled ? Wasn’t fast enough to reply, listened to the rest of the monologue. He sucks his teeth, looks away and tightens his fist, rage locked in his glints. I ask…..

You just wanted me to tell you ?

No, no I just wanted to know if it was leaking and where the leak is coming from. Line me up for the flex, Shoot the messenger. Lately, whenever I enter the room the conversation turn frustration. Exit and it starts dissipating. To cope, I lie. Everyone just hating.

Sit Down

porch_2

Tear drop falls into a pool of water, ripple effect. A calm, alertness. The human body is mostly comprised of water. The feeling of someone talking directly to you. Almost through you. ” What’s he going to say next”. Nothing else matters expect that. Next few seconds listen intently in fact. Tunnel vision, know where I gotta go. Well known, what I gotta do. Driven down this road before, focused on distractions in the rear view. This time the ride down is accompanied by a water drop. ” Wasn’t crying, only one tear got away”. Ways to deny the fact you’ve reached your lowest point. Stead fast to the bottom.

Lower than your boot. This pain, shame, weighing heavy on the brain will take root. Tear drop soaked into the ground and hit’s roots. Inflections get deep. Reaches parts of you unknown and unseen. Never Remembering that in complete darkness, better yet the absence of light. Everything is everything, not a single difference in sight. Nothing. Inside I felt nothing at the time, certainly better than something.
” I’m tired of feeling so empty, so used, mistreated, confused, suppressed urges to lash out, be rude”.
Swore to never be that type of dude.

Realizing promises are formed with either or intentions. To be broken or to be kept. My intentions, where to smash their faces in and have them slept on. Lifeless bodies, unrecognizable only mothers wept on. Sometimes you have too, let yourself get upset. Up to the challenge I must step, how can I get mad when, Promises to myself are un-kept. Two drops in the water, twice as alert, slightly unsettled. Water starting to boil in a kettle.

Tired to cover my heart with metal. No in, No out. Air and liquid still made it in, water in the dirt never hurt. Almost time for the roots to give birth. Impatience is the worst, lesson I’ve rehearsed. Still don’t quite get it. Forget it, pretend to get the mind off things, ohh how that brings you right back to square one. We stay here like it’s fun, done, out ready to run. Three tears drops are a pattern, after the third another six more will come. Speaking directly to me now.

Extremely unsettling, more life threatening. Armor around my heart is coming undone. No longer peaceful. Kettle, heat filled. Pridefully steams out, scream out. Ran outside with red eyes. Everything sucks but, not enough to cry about. Temporarily run away from home. Leave behind everything. Sadly this is a metaphor for the body. Won’t happen unless one becomes godly. What ended up happening is me running a couple blocks. Thinking something along the lines of unfair. I don’t care. Even this far I still hear the kettle on the stove. Since it’s mines, no one else knows.

Do you hear that ?

Not quite, what do you mean ? The bird humming ?”

Lol probably someone’s phone.

My problems always seem tame in comparison. Stand on the street corner unable to decided the time. I should self sacrifice to the garrison. Even when low, you can still get lower, I wish tomorrow will come a little bit slower. I know life isn’t fair however, when other people go out of their way to make things worst, the troll it takes on your soul happens gradually. The same way I do what I gotta do, so I can stay me and be happen, is the same way I gotta let other people do what they do, even if their outcome and intentions effect my life drastically.

One question came to mind when I learned my lesson. Would you rather build or destroy ? Impatience tested my creditably. Be the best possible version of myself. Silly me the completion was always me. So I walked back home, open the door and locked it behind me. I’m not going anywhere, until I can deal with all of my problems and still sleep soundly. Attack me if you will, devour it all, while staying unaffected. Profoundly.

Do I look Like a Sucker ?

Since when is it okay to play with feelings.  Refuse to send shots, to anyone specific. That’s not healing. Only bitter feelings, dealing. If the shoe fits, shot-gun spray in one direction, if it hits, you were in the way, of me being happy tomorrow. Subsequently after, roll over dead bodies with a tractor. I go over board. That way we both get off being bastards, assholes, cunts. Secretly being over the top is a front, never let anyone hurt your heart more than once. Second time around I’m just as angry at you as I am myself. I feel  you were overly dedicated. Clearly premeditated, I must be dumb. We both refused to see the signs in front of us.

Ohh he’s not going to care. My pain, she’s not going to hear, never talk about it loud enough. He likes to be used, that’s the excuse. Well, might as well, blame it on love. Dove, shot down to be patched back up. It will soar again. Given the circumstances we will never be friends. Hopefully humpty dumpty never sat back on the wall again. Can only pretend for so long, we should have jumped with our eyes closed. Yours stayed open. Doesn’t work unless we both believe, faith is the key ingredient to a home cook meal. Technically from the start, you saw the end.

Like a fool I was blind to it. Everything I put in, turned out useless and you still let me do it. My own fault, all up in my head imagining things. Walked only with my legs. Should have noticed when you told me watch out, then and there. How weird. Guess it must be a six sense. Lied to myself before you had a chance too. Won’t stand, sit, eat, sleep, walking being your best friend. Girl, let me go because, I don’t want to let you go again. If I do, ultimately everything I wanted to do for you. Changes into things I desperately did for myself. In the end I couldn’t keep you happy enough.

Since when is it okay to play with feelings. Inspired to erase your fears, always be there. Well. Only when you actually needed me. Read your mind, to bring out the divine, blur the dotted line, making the troubles of your world mines. Kisses down the spine, body and mind aligned. Never felt so alive. Despite it all, still got the call goodbye.

Being conceited, I got what I deserved. A reality check. Thank you. Time to cash in and have some fun. All is said and done, never over with. Who was I to think, I could turn her world upside down with a blink. That I was the savior, with all my shitty behavior. Let me go, wash the dishes in the sink, forced to use my hands to scrub out the mess I made for myself. Here we are, thankfully not hurt, albeit bitter. When the heart starts beating too fast for chest. Got ourselves a quitter. Used every other emotion to protest, protect, deflect, neglect, what was truly felt.

The more we change, the more we stay the same. Contradictions is the only life for me. Vulnerability out of spite.