Just Want To Be Seen

Fight back, how the body reacts. Took a step back. Looked at the situation holistically. Now I can relax. Someone just wants attention. Your name is their mouth however, the insecurities unmentioned. Relentless, defenseless caught in the tension. Asked this question, is it me or will anyone do ? What’s the premise. A story now deploying because, said accuser’s life is boring. Of course you feel powerless, when in life emotions take a back seat and ego does all the touring. Easily satisfied, hunger never gratified. A stomach will ache on a bowl full of lies. Hype yourself up and live off the high. Grow old, never alleviate the little kid inside. Too big to cry. Too smart to try. Too cool to feel anything other than fly. Breakdown on the inside. Life inherently not fair. So you feeling some sort of pain every here and there. Too hype to care. Pieces of you left everywhere. Get it together man, face your fears. Matter of fact step here, if you think you don’t care. I’ll show you how much I don’t, smile in your face, snap a bone. Better yet I’ll scar you with a couple of words in this tone. Mommy / Daddy can’t talk right now. I’m on the phone. Go play somewhere else.

Sit Down

porch_2

Tear drop falls into a pool of water, ripple effect. A calm, alertness. The human body is mostly comprised of water. The feeling of someone talking directly to you. Almost through you. ” What’s he going to say next”. Nothing else matters expect that. Next few seconds listen intently in fact. Tunnel vision, know where I gotta go. Well known, what I gotta do. Driven down this road before, focused on distractions in the rear view. This time the ride down is accompanied by a water drop. ” Wasn’t crying, only one tear got away”. Ways to deny the fact you’ve reached your lowest point. Stead fast to the bottom.

Lower than your boot. This pain, shame, weighing heavy on the brain will take root. Tear drop soaked into the ground and hit’s roots. Inflections get deep. Reaches parts of you unknown and unseen. Never Remembering that in complete darkness, better yet the absence of light. Everything is everything, not a single difference in sight. Nothing. Inside I felt nothing at the time, certainly better than something.
” I’m tired of feeling so empty, so used, mistreated, confused, suppressed urges to lash out, be rude”.
Swore to never be that type of dude.

Realizing promises are formed with either or intentions. To be broken or to be kept. My intentions, where to smash their faces in and have them slept on. Lifeless bodies, unrecognizable only mothers wept on. Sometimes you have too, let yourself get upset. Up to the challenge I must step, how can I get mad when, Promises to myself are un-kept. Two drops in the water, twice as alert, slightly unsettled. Water starting to boil in a kettle.

Tired to cover my heart with metal. No in, No out. Air and liquid still made it in, water in the dirt never hurt. Almost time for the roots to give birth. Impatience is the worst, lesson I’ve rehearsed. Still don’t quite get it. Forget it, pretend to get the mind off things, ohh how that brings you right back to square one. We stay here like it’s fun, done, out ready to run. Three tears drops are a pattern, after the third another six more will come. Speaking directly to me now.

Extremely unsettling, more life threatening. Armor around my heart is coming undone. No longer peaceful. Kettle, heat filled. Pridefully steams out, scream out. Ran outside with red eyes. Everything sucks but, not enough to cry about. Temporarily run away from home. Leave behind everything. Sadly this is a metaphor for the body. Won’t happen unless one becomes godly. What ended up happening is me running a couple blocks. Thinking something along the lines of unfair. I don’t care. Even this far I still hear the kettle on the stove. Since it’s mines, no one else knows.

Do you hear that ?

Not quite, what do you mean ? The bird humming ?”

Lol probably someone’s phone.

My problems always seem tame in comparison. Stand on the street corner unable to decided the time. I should self sacrifice to the garrison. Even when low, you can still get lower, I wish tomorrow will come a little bit slower. I know life isn’t fair however, when other people go out of their way to make things worst, the troll it takes on your soul happens gradually. The same way I do what I gotta do, so I can stay me and be happen, is the same way I gotta let other people do what they do, even if their outcome and intentions effect my life drastically.

One question came to mind when I learned my lesson. Would you rather build or destroy ? Impatience tested my creditably. Be the best possible version of myself. Silly me the completion was always me. So I walked back home, open the door and locked it behind me. I’m not going anywhere, until I can deal with all of my problems and still sleep soundly. Attack me if you will, devour it all, while staying unaffected. Profoundly.

Let Go of Everything

Never had much in the first place, this should be an easy task. Won’t hold back, thirsty so I’ll drink straight out the bottle. Hard to see, the only things that held you together vanish like a memory. This bottle is finished, barely remember drinking it. Thinking steadily, hands open readily. Drop any and everything known to me. It was over in a second. Stuck with the after taste for a couple of minutes. Never had much, what’s the fuss, hold up, attachment. Still found myself scrabbling for more time as my identity dared to hit the ground. Maybe if I hold the bottle upside down long enough. Residue will join hand in hand, flowing with gravity to form a droplet. Just enough for me to have a taste once more. In actuality, a common fallacy. What shot to the ground was me. Imagine a baseball player diving for home run. How else was he supposed to make it.

That’s what it felt like. Suspended in mid-air, hold the thought there. This is the source of my issue because, of this feeling I’ll dis too, mistreat, chop of feet and even, strangle the life out of somebody. All my life I’ve been known as the good guy. Worked hard. To get put up, this high in everyone else’s mind. Take that from me. Sure sounds a lot like death to me. Who would I be. What would other’s see. Need outside opinion to be complete. Not ready to take that second step into the unknown. Forever in the zone, safer place than home. Upon a throne, wining at this game called life alone.

If I’m a winner. What reasons do I have to be so desperate to win in this moment. Look at me, going so far as to, one-up myself. At the sake of my own health. Drop everything I’m doing if that means I get the chance to show off. Diving for nothing there. Since when is identity just the parts and not it’s entirety. The disgust felt, watching myself now, tiring. No wonder, most people just give up when around me. How you out clown a clown. Out ass an ass and live with a man who is only comfortable when everyone else isn’t. You just kinda give him what he wants. You can tell he really needs this.

Even with all this, Feelings still in a free fall. Who would I be without this. Dumb-ass, you’ll still be you. Although true. I’m more afraid of finding out who I truly am. A bird or a rat with wings. To fall down is to be weak. The thought, feeling, a little tweaked. Falling. Have yet to truly fell. Stay suspended in hell. Funny though, for an illusion I clearly fell. My identity was mines to begin with. Proving it, is the next step. Don’t know how, no confidence to figure it out. So we shout. Acting proud all the while dumb found.

Silly of me to cling onto a cloud. Every changing, parts rearranging. Even if It flipped upside. Took the shape of a clown, Poor sucker, lazy fucker. It would still be a cloud. Inspire to be just like a cloud. That thought came to me the moment, I allowed myself to fall down. Eat dirt, stained my shirt, no longer a player, didn’t make it back  home to first. Oh well. Things could always go better or worst.

Fear, You came for me

More to the experience, than meets the eye. First, it starts with a thought. One like any other. “I don’t like this”. Imagine a quiet whisper, followed by the bang of a drum. Vibration circulation action articulation. Body and mind move as one. Dry throat try to swallow. Sweat drip down the back. Still shaking, confidence breaking. No mistaking. A sickness settles in. I’m down for the count my friends. Middle of the chest, slow movement to speed up the heart, a little to the left. Grab it, before it breaks loose. This body is no longer safe. Poison thicker than paint. I downed the bucket like a shot of rum. Live through this a couple of gray hairs are deserved. Fear this sweet strictly unheard. Physical manifestation of my worth.

Anything for a dollar. Tighten the tie around my collar. Pain helped me appreciate breathing. Sensation of leaving, pleasing. Now. I know, I once was, happily on my way.
Convulsions going in an upward motion. This the notion, about to throw up. Better yet hold it in, never leave behind my kin. Mind and body just broke up again. Better than the alternative, showing any signs of weakness. Leave my enemies, happy, speechless. Sickness will forever be a part of me. If I was a tree, let the termites hollow me. All the way through, didn’t think this. Made evil my mistress all because I rather something…sorry someone to sleep with. Miss step in the right direction.

Internal reflection. Learn by inspection. What reasons do I have to put my heart out there, without a care. Unfair trade, constantly targeted for play. Never truly challenged face to face, heart to heart. Left mines to go searching for another in the dark. The unknown, is my life spark. Confident I can always find my way back to me. Loneliness is attracting. From my real problems, detracting. Happiness acting. Always laughing. I want to giggle like a baby from a tickle. Living my life so fickle.

Now I’m afraid of anyone willingly to lend and ear. Do they really care. Afraid to share, even for myself, ear plugs, brought a pair. Got a new tattoo. A scar , willfully put there. Keeps the memory potent whenever I look, until then unaware.

Imagine every time you spoke, the ones closest to you took it as a joke but, your jokes are taken seriously. When ever you felt uneasy they appeared mysteriously. Then again who’s to say the egg came before the chicken. Right in my eye, blind sided by intentions, won’t forget to mention poison is relentless. The greatest test, during time of distressing. Constantly mind messing, character and idea pressing. Around you, couple of seconds of second guessing. Added over time, “I don’t like this” rings louder. Pain trickles down my spine.

Someone to humble me, mumbled me. Obstacles need to grow. I was missing. “You’re actually trying to hurt me ?” I was dissing. Tables turn, lesson burned, looking over my shoulder pissing. Didn’t think their was any reason to go this far. How you pay that guy to ram into my car, my child was in the back seat. Afterwards brought me a cup of juice, help to get loose. Take my mind of things. Really you want to see me fall, never make it all. Perfect.

I need someone to watch me. Been alone up until now thus far. I’ve been trying really hard. Look at all these scars. Please watch me. Never need to go far. Just wanted a home where I didn’t feel so alone. More than just anger, more than just sadness, frustration, sleep deprivation, meanings lost transnational, happiness, pain, pride, joy, every emotion I’ve ever known. Plucked by insanity, slammed back into my heart by gravity. I’ll give you everything. So please help me understand why I feel so guilty for being me.
 

Stuck In the Past

Stuck_

Only natural, looking back on it now. I went back, in the search of something. Still Surprised, found nothing. The future didn’t change the past. Lost opportunities didn’t randomly show up again. Ended up more hurt, than happy. Reason being, I never kept it together. Went with the pressure. Hoping one day, it just might let up.

Hopefully I’ll still be strong enough to stand back on two feet. Muscle atrophy, doesn’t sound as bad as it looks. Lack of Opportunities compounds in intensity, speaking truthfully, the ones I walked away from, turned down, let slip, didn’t take advantage of or simply couldn’t at the time. The toast is already burnt, let it mix with the smell of the apple that’s already rotten. I was so confused as to why it reacted with my body so violently. Should have been the perfect time to, make them new again. Mostly to blame. Sick. Hoping for anything new. Please.

Bad timing was the scapegoat. Too self-absorbed, preoccupied with structuring the events in my life-like sentences. Making them look like rhyming words. So whenever someone asked, “what’s up”. I’ll start to sing. Just how perfect and happy I am and the joy it brings. Skip certain seasons for me. It’s always spring. Trust this bed of lies and the flowers it brings. For whoever receives, fulfill my needs. Plant enough seed and sooner or later you’ll reap the benefits. Damn I look good.

Out here doing exactly what I should. That doesn’t live up to the standard, not an animal, came complete with manners. Refuse to let people know, that really. I’m nothing. Sadly it’s a messed up thing. Digging in the trash for a meal once past. Couldn’t even say I was hungry.

Collected the bones and pieces, scraped chicken, among other solid greases. Arranged them on a plate. All the while reminiscing, how much I enjoyed it at the time. Damn, wish I had that left over slice, thrown out, too full, couldn’t finish it. Currently this glass of water simply isn’t enough. Don’t want toast, didn’t pay attention and let it burn. Got this apple, the day before pizza. It’s too late for it now.

I’m really scared that their isn’t an opportunities on the horizon. The world is always turning, If I lose focus. Might miss it. Giving credit where its due. Eyes been blood-shot open long enough. This is tough. The ground isn’t far enough, still hear the tears at the end of the fall. Splatter, no longer feel them running down my cheeks.

Time didn’t roll back for my consciousness. Once a change, it will never be the same. Present view, framed by history, false allusion to my future. Always a mystery. lived only for tomorrow, dug through sorrow. A chance never had, only borrowed. Stand firm, an opportunity will be created, more than just fated. Stay true to the goal, hopefully. May you never fail too.