That’s In The Way

Success Free

Laying the Ground work in a moment.

Remember a time you’ve been in a hurry. Waking up, changing clothes. Behind, door closed, Flag down a car, reach the city end. Caught the boat. Next stop coach, bus down the highway. Plugged in phone, charged 100%. Everything continue smoothly. Time go my way. Onward towards destination, we go. Any minute today.

Disappointment

I’m here, doing construction. The way still isn’t paved. Once you reach here. Force break, notice from me and my team. Still going to miss the plane flight. Take a seat seat, is a lot at stake ? The cement mix is doing fine. Coming along it’s way. Been at this for a while. Cement and I need, not stare at each other, we just hear, listen to what the other has too say.

” Mix me some more, Not quite ready to be paved with “

Like a stop sign preventing you from crossing the street. Made by design. Read the situation and weep. You simple ain’t coach busing across this street.

RELAX INTO DEFEAT.

Clever Savagery

Take a full step back and picture yourself. On that picture, imagine me.

Nameless and faceless. As blank as a canvas can be. Use these words as outlines and color them, however you want them to be. Needless to say. This experience is now yours. It will follow you, one day you might need it, for sure ?

If outlines, sudden picture, confine spaces. Braces this, keep turning the pages. For sure, a blank page, all for you at the end. Method to chase this, read into the first pages. When did the moment sparking the situation being. The letters “cur” jumping to conclusions, all I thought of was “curse ” already negative. Feelings towards this book disperse. Things did get a little better when I, actually say the word “curator “. Apologizes owed. Mistake softly spoken or loudly told. Magic between the two, watch and see the difference. Smoke and mirrors targeted towards my fears and pleasures. Red already in hand so many fire hydrants and trucks here. Next page, crowd of people not an Afro insight. No color choice free from a heavy suggestion. Table of content or association questions.

Forget it, no regressing. Steady turn the pages forwards. Learning new lessons. Waiting for the time when I can use the colors I want to use. Express a simple mood. Sad to say when given the book, it’s a loose, loose.Retain this information, no excuse. Structures put in place making it harder to move. Color, outside the lines ? there is no room. The picture one imagines for themselves. Doom. Till Vroom. Stick through it, stay extra aware when you,” just do it”.

keeping track of the methods and designs. Read in between the lines. Soon to be a clearer more vibrant picture. Unmistakable to many, proof got plenty. Little left up to second guessing. Neon red bricks, It’s usually red. Wanting, the knowledge of knowing to be all over the rest of the book prevalent. Rarely used, fear kept up at night focused. Pleasure more often than not, denied. Bumps on the way, followed the plot to this spot. Second to final page of the book.

What did you learn ? What did you see ? After seeing the occupations in this coloring book, what would you like to be ?

Well gee. Someone who follows rules and directions, moves with precision and adds the right colors where they need be. A simple life, with a passive experience. That’s the one please. On the last page, I drew things never seen. Colored them nicely. This experience is mines now, the book nostalgic memories. No longer for me.

Sit Down

porch_2

Tear drop falls into a pool of water, ripple effect. A calm, alertness. The human body is mostly comprised of water. The feeling of someone talking directly to you. Almost through you. ” What’s he going to say next”. Nothing else matters expect that. Next few seconds listen intently in fact. Tunnel vision, know where I gotta go. Well known, what I gotta do. Driven down this road before, focused on distractions in the rear view. This time the ride down is accompanied by a water drop. ” Wasn’t crying, only one tear got away”. Ways to deny the fact you’ve reached your lowest point. Stead fast to the bottom.

Lower than your boot. This pain, shame, weighing heavy on the brain will take root. Tear drop soaked into the ground and hit’s roots. Inflections get deep. Reaches parts of you unknown and unseen. Never Remembering that in complete darkness, better yet the absence of light. Everything is everything, not a single difference in sight. Nothing. Inside I felt nothing at the time, certainly better than something.
” I’m tired of feeling so empty, so used, mistreated, confused, suppressed urges to lash out, be rude”.
Swore to never be that type of dude.

Realizing promises are formed with either or intentions. To be broken or to be kept. My intentions, where to smash their faces in and have them slept on. Lifeless bodies, unrecognizable only mothers wept on. Sometimes you have too, let yourself get upset. Up to the challenge I must step, how can I get mad when, Promises to myself are un-kept. Two drops in the water, twice as alert, slightly unsettled. Water starting to boil in a kettle.

Tired to cover my heart with metal. No in, No out. Air and liquid still made it in, water in the dirt never hurt. Almost time for the roots to give birth. Impatience is the worst, lesson I’ve rehearsed. Still don’t quite get it. Forget it, pretend to get the mind off things, ohh how that brings you right back to square one. We stay here like it’s fun, done, out ready to run. Three tears drops are a pattern, after the third another six more will come. Speaking directly to me now.

Extremely unsettling, more life threatening. Armor around my heart is coming undone. No longer peaceful. Kettle, heat filled. Pridefully steams out, scream out. Ran outside with red eyes. Everything sucks but, not enough to cry about. Temporarily run away from home. Leave behind everything. Sadly this is a metaphor for the body. Won’t happen unless one becomes godly. What ended up happening is me running a couple blocks. Thinking something along the lines of unfair. I don’t care. Even this far I still hear the kettle on the stove. Since it’s mines, no one else knows.

Do you hear that ?

Not quite, what do you mean ? The bird humming ?”

Lol probably someone’s phone.

My problems always seem tame in comparison. Stand on the street corner unable to decided the time. I should self sacrifice to the garrison. Even when low, you can still get lower, I wish tomorrow will come a little bit slower. I know life isn’t fair however, when other people go out of their way to make things worst, the troll it takes on your soul happens gradually. The same way I do what I gotta do, so I can stay me and be happen, is the same way I gotta let other people do what they do, even if their outcome and intentions effect my life drastically.

One question came to mind when I learned my lesson. Would you rather build or destroy ? Impatience tested my creditably. Be the best possible version of myself. Silly me the completion was always me. So I walked back home, open the door and locked it behind me. I’m not going anywhere, until I can deal with all of my problems and still sleep soundly. Attack me if you will, devour it all, while staying unaffected. Profoundly.

Let Go of Everything

Never had much in the first place, this should be an easy task. Won’t hold back, thirsty so I’ll drink straight out the bottle. Hard to see, the only things that held you together vanish like a memory. This bottle is finished, barely remember drinking it. Thinking steadily, hands open readily. Drop any and everything known to me. It was over in a second. Stuck with the after taste for a couple of minutes. Never had much, what’s the fuss, hold up, attachment. Still found myself scrabbling for more time as my identity dared to hit the ground. Maybe if I hold the bottle upside down long enough. Residue will join hand in hand, flowing with gravity to form a droplet. Just enough for me to have a taste once more. In actuality, a common fallacy. What shot to the ground was me. Imagine a baseball player diving for home run. How else was he supposed to make it.

That’s what it felt like. Suspended in mid-air, hold the thought there. This is the source of my issue because, of this feeling I’ll dis too, mistreat, chop of feet and even, strangle the life out of somebody. All my life I’ve been known as the good guy. Worked hard. To get put up, this high in everyone else’s mind. Take that from me. Sure sounds a lot like death to me. Who would I be. What would other’s see. Need outside opinion to be complete. Not ready to take that second step into the unknown. Forever in the zone, safer place than home. Upon a throne, wining at this game called life alone.

If I’m a winner. What reasons do I have to be so desperate to win in this moment. Look at me, going so far as to, one-up myself. At the sake of my own health. Drop everything I’m doing if that means I get the chance to show off. Diving for nothing there. Since when is identity just the parts and not it’s entirety. The disgust felt, watching myself now, tiring. No wonder, most people just give up when around me. How you out clown a clown. Out ass an ass and live with a man who is only comfortable when everyone else isn’t. You just kinda give him what he wants. You can tell he really needs this.

Even with all this, Feelings still in a free fall. Who would I be without this. Dumb-ass, you’ll still be you. Although true. I’m more afraid of finding out who I truly am. A bird or a rat with wings. To fall down is to be weak. The thought, feeling, a little tweaked. Falling. Have yet to truly fell. Stay suspended in hell. Funny though, for an illusion I clearly fell. My identity was mines to begin with. Proving it, is the next step. Don’t know how, no confidence to figure it out. So we shout. Acting proud all the while dumb found.

Silly of me to cling onto a cloud. Every changing, parts rearranging. Even if It flipped upside. Took the shape of a clown, Poor sucker, lazy fucker. It would still be a cloud. Inspire to be just like a cloud. That thought came to me the moment, I allowed myself to fall down. Eat dirt, stained my shirt, no longer a player, didn’t make it back  home to first. Oh well. Things could always go better or worst.

Thank you For listening

No need for anyone to clap. No need for anyone to cheer, as long as my words don’t fall on death ears. Even better if these words can keep tears away from eyes. That’s all. That matters truly. A heart no longer filled with fear. Happy. Switched gears, overly prepared for life, challenges, every passing year. Voice in my head no longer sounds like, somethings someone else said.

I hear my voice instead. The original. No longer mimics the gimmicks. Someone else put me down because, it will no longer be me. Look up in the sky, all blue, with the tiniest of clouds insight. Force it to disappear, just might.

Nah, rather focus on what is blue. Making decisions now. Before it was the smell of hot garbage. Instinctively turning my face sour. pretentiously thought I need a shower right after. Never in control going down the rabbit hole.

Pretentiously still, if my feelings are water, Purposely spill. When it overflows from the flower pot. Clean it up, no big deal.