Fight back, how the body reacts. Took a step back. Looked at the situation holistically. Now I can relax. Someone just wants attention. Your name is their mouth however, the insecurities unmentioned. Relentless, defenseless caught in the tension. Asked this question, is it me or will anyone do ? What’s the premise. A story now deploying because, said accuser’s life is boring. Of course you feel powerless, when in life emotions take a back seat and ego does all the touring. Easily satisfied, hunger never gratified. A stomach will ache on a bowl full of lies. Hype yourself up and live off the high. Grow old, never alleviate the little kid inside. Too big to cry. Too smart to try. Too cool to feel anything other than fly. Breakdown on the inside. Life inherently not fair. So you feeling some sort of pain every here and there. Too hype to care. Pieces of you left everywhere. Get it together man, face your fears. Matter of fact step here, if you think you don’t care. I’ll show you how much I don’t, smile in your face, snap a bone. Better yet I’ll scar you with a couple of words in this tone. Mommy / Daddy can’t talk right now. I’m on the phone. Go play somewhere else.
Last chance, contemplating how I’m going to miss this. Never take a chance, my heart won’t forget it. Do what’s done before, a new experience is my only regret. Afraid to slip and fall slept. Quit before I fail to try. Try hard laughably, disown the exaggeration. A little bit of me in every action I chose, even still my pride is too much for me to lose. Staring out the window, might as well ask a tree. Wind through the leaves, nope. Now it’s an answer provided for me. Living my best life, what most people are saying. Most of my nights are filled with praying. A shorter route to tears is all I’ve gained. This is my life, fortune won’t allow me to deny this pain.
What is one to do, when the issue is, you stay you. Stay true, pull through. The sun shine sticks to you like glue. The sky seldom blue, traveled to different ends of the island. New ocean view. The problem is there is no real issue. The issue is non-existent but, regardless you still feel the wind too. Where does it begin and end. Everywhere at once, yet no where at all. You can’t reach out and touch it. Sadly it only touches you. A relationship never grew. Start a fire. Make due. Truth be told I just might forever miss you.
More to the experience, than meets the eye. First, it starts with a thought. One like any other. “I don’t like this”. Imagine a quiet whisper, followed by the bang of a drum. Vibration circulation action articulation. Body and mind move as one. Dry throat try to swallow. Sweat drip down the back. Still shaking, confidence breaking. No mistaking. A sickness settles in. I’m down for the count my friends. Middle of the chest, slow movement to speed up the heart, a little to the left. Grab it, before it breaks loose. This body is no longer safe. Poison thicker than paint. I downed the bucket like a shot of rum. Live through this a couple of gray hairs are deserved. Fear this sweet strictly unheard. Physical manifestation of my worth.
Anything for a dollar. Tighten the tie around my collar. Pain helped me appreciate breathing. Sensation of leaving, pleasing. Now. I know, I once was, happily on my way.
Convulsions going in an upward motion. This the notion, about to throw up. Better yet hold it in, never leave behind my kin. Mind and body just broke up again. Better than the alternative, showing any signs of weakness. Leave my enemies, happy, speechless. Sickness will forever be a part of me. If I was a tree, let the termites hollow me. All the way through, didn’t think this. Made evil my mistress all because I rather something…sorry someone to sleep with. Miss step in the right direction.
Internal reflection. Learn by inspection. What reasons do I have to put my heart out there, without a care. Unfair trade, constantly targeted for play. Never truly challenged face to face, heart to heart. Left mines to go searching for another in the dark. The unknown, is my life spark. Confident I can always find my way back to me. Loneliness is attracting. From my real problems, detracting. Happiness acting. Always laughing. I want to giggle like a baby from a tickle. Living my life so fickle.
Now I’m afraid of anyone willingly to lend and ear. Do they really care. Afraid to share, even for myself, ear plugs, brought a pair. Got a new tattoo. A scar , willfully put there. Keeps the memory potent whenever I look, until then unaware.
Imagine every time you spoke, the ones closest to you took it as a joke but, your jokes are taken seriously. When ever you felt uneasy they appeared mysteriously. Then again who’s to say the egg came before the chicken. Right in my eye, blind sided by intentions, won’t forget to mention poison is relentless. The greatest test, during time of distressing. Constantly mind messing, character and idea pressing. Around you, couple of seconds of second guessing. Added over time, “I don’t like this” rings louder. Pain trickles down my spine.
Someone to humble me, mumbled me. Obstacles need to grow. I was missing. “You’re actually trying to hurt me ?” I was dissing. Tables turn, lesson burned, looking over my shoulder pissing. Didn’t think their was any reason to go this far. How you pay that guy to ram into my car, my child was in the back seat. Afterwards brought me a cup of juice, help to get loose. Take my mind of things. Really you want to see me fall, never make it all. Perfect.
I need someone to watch me. Been alone up until now thus far. I’ve been trying really hard. Look at all these scars. Please watch me. Never need to go far. Just wanted a home where I didn’t feel so alone. More than just anger, more than just sadness, frustration, sleep deprivation, meanings lost transnational, happiness, pain, pride, joy, every emotion I’ve ever known. Plucked by insanity, slammed back into my heart by gravity. I’ll give you everything. So please help me understand why I feel so guilty for being me.
Only natural, looking back on it now. I went back, in the search of something. Still Surprised, found nothing. The future didn’t change the past. Lost opportunities didn’t randomly show up again. Ended up more hurt, than happy. Reason being, I never kept it together. Went with the pressure. Hoping one day, it just might let up.
Hopefully I’ll still be strong enough to stand back on two feet. Muscle atrophy, doesn’t sound as bad as it looks. Lack of Opportunities compounds in intensity, speaking truthfully, the ones I walked away from, turned down, let slip, didn’t take advantage of or simply couldn’t at the time. The toast is already burnt, let it mix with the smell of the apple that’s already rotten. I was so confused as to why it reacted with my body so violently. Should have been the perfect time to, make them new again. Mostly to blame. Sick. Hoping for anything new. Please.
Bad timing was the scapegoat. Too self-absorbed, preoccupied with structuring the events in my life-like sentences. Making them look like rhyming words. So whenever someone asked, “what’s up”. I’ll start to sing. Just how perfect and happy I am and the joy it brings. Skip certain seasons for me. It’s always spring. Trust this bed of lies and the flowers it brings. For whoever receives, fulfill my needs. Plant enough seed and sooner or later you’ll reap the benefits. Damn I look good.
Out here doing exactly what I should. That doesn’t live up to the standard, not an animal, came complete with manners. Refuse to let people know, that really. I’m nothing. Sadly it’s a messed up thing. Digging in the trash for a meal once past. Couldn’t even say I was hungry.
Collected the bones and pieces, scraped chicken, among other solid greases. Arranged them on a plate. All the while reminiscing, how much I enjoyed it at the time. Damn, wish I had that left over slice, thrown out, too full, couldn’t finish it. Currently this glass of water simply isn’t enough. Don’t want toast, didn’t pay attention and let it burn. Got this apple, the day before pizza. It’s too late for it now.
I’m really scared that their isn’t an opportunities on the horizon. The world is always turning, If I lose focus. Might miss it. Giving credit where its due. Eyes been blood-shot open long enough. This is tough. The ground isn’t far enough, still hear the tears at the end of the fall. Splatter, no longer feel them running down my cheeks.
Time didn’t roll back for my consciousness. Once a change, it will never be the same. Present view, framed by history, false allusion to my future. Always a mystery. lived only for tomorrow, dug through sorrow. A chance never had, only borrowed. Stand firm, an opportunity will be created, more than just fated. Stay true to the goal, hopefully. May you never fail too.