Let Go of Everything

Never had much in the first place, this should be an easy task. Won’t hold back, thirsty so I’ll drink straight out the bottle. Hard to see, the only things that held you together vanish like a memory. This bottle is finished, barely remember drinking it. Thinking steadily, hands open readily. Drop any and everything known to me. It was over in a second. Stuck with the after taste for a couple of minutes. Never had much, what’s the fuss, hold up, attachment. Still found myself scrabbling for more time as my identity dared to hit the ground. Maybe if I hold the bottle upside down long enough. Residue will join hand in hand, flowing with gravity to form a droplet. Just enough for me to have a taste once more. In actuality, a common fallacy. What shot to the ground was me. Imagine a baseball player diving for home run. How else was he supposed to make it.

That’s what it felt like. Suspended in mid-air, hold the thought there. This is the source of my issue because, of this feeling I’ll dis too, mistreat, chop of feet and even, strangle the life out of somebody. All my life I’ve been known as the good guy. Worked hard. To get put up, this high in everyone else’s mind. Take that from me. Sure sounds a lot like death to me. Who would I be. What would other’s see. Need outside opinion to be complete. Not ready to take that second step into the unknown. Forever in the zone, safer place than home. Upon a throne, wining at this game called life alone.

If I’m a winner. What reasons do I have to be so desperate to win in this moment. Look at me, going so far as to, one-up myself. At the sake of my own health. Drop everything I’m doing if that means I get the chance to show off. Diving for nothing there. Since when is identity just the parts and not it’s entirety. The disgust felt, watching myself now, tiring. No wonder, most people just give up when around me. How you out clown a clown. Out ass an ass and live with a man who is only comfortable when everyone else isn’t. You just kinda give him what he wants. You can tell he really needs this.

Even with all this, Feelings still in a free fall. Who would I be without this. Dumb-ass, you’ll still be you. Although true. I’m more afraid of finding out who I truly am. A bird or a rat with wings. To fall down is to be weak. The thought, feeling, a little tweaked. Falling. Have yet to truly fell. Stay suspended in hell. Funny though, for an illusion I clearly fell. My identity was mines to begin with. Proving it, is the next step. Don’t know how, no confidence to figure it out. So we shout. Acting proud all the while dumb found.

Silly of me to cling onto a cloud. Every changing, parts rearranging. Even if It flipped upside. Took the shape of a clown, Poor sucker, lazy fucker. It would still be a cloud. Inspire to be just like a cloud. That thought came to me the moment, I allowed myself to fall down. Eat dirt, stained my shirt, no longer a player, didn’t make it back  home to first. Oh well. Things could always go better or worst.

Thank you For listening

No need for anyone to clap. No need for anyone to cheer, as long as my words don’t fall on death ears. Even better if these words can keep tears away from eyes. That’s all. That matters truly. A heart no longer filled with fear. Happy. Switched gears, overly prepared for life, challenges, every passing year. Voice in my head no longer sounds like, somethings someone else said.

I hear my voice instead. The original. No longer mimics the gimmicks. Someone else put me down because, it will no longer be me. Look up in the sky, all blue, with the tiniest of clouds insight. Force it to disappear, just might.

Nah, rather focus on what is blue. Making decisions now. Before it was the smell of hot garbage. Instinctively turning my face sour. pretentiously thought I need a shower right after. Never in control going down the rabbit hole.

Pretentiously still, if my feelings are water, Purposely spill. When it overflows from the flower pot. Clean it up, no big deal.

Do I look Like a Sucker ?

Since when is it okay to play with feelings.  Refuse to send shots, to anyone specific. That’s not healing. Only bitter feelings, dealing. If the shoe fits, shot-gun spray in one direction, if it hits, you were in the way, of me being happy tomorrow. Subsequently after, roll over dead bodies with a tractor. I go over board. That way we both get off being bastards, assholes, cunts. Secretly being over the top is a front, never let anyone hurt your heart more than once. Second time around I’m just as angry at you as I am myself. I feel  you were overly dedicated. Clearly premeditated, I must be dumb. We both refused to see the signs in front of us.

Ohh he’s not going to care. My pain, she’s not going to hear, never talk about it loud enough. He likes to be used, that’s the excuse. Well, might as well, blame it on love. Dove, shot down to be patched back up. It will soar again. Given the circumstances we will never be friends. Hopefully humpty dumpty never sat back on the wall again. Can only pretend for so long, we should have jumped with our eyes closed. Yours stayed open. Doesn’t work unless we both believe, faith is the key ingredient to a home cook meal. Technically from the start, you saw the end.

Like a fool I was blind to it. Everything I put in, turned out useless and you still let me do it. My own fault, all up in my head imagining things. Walked only with my legs. Should have noticed when you told me watch out, then and there. How weird. Guess it must be a six sense. Lied to myself before you had a chance too. Won’t stand, sit, eat, sleep, walking being your best friend. Girl, let me go because, I don’t want to let you go again. If I do, ultimately everything I wanted to do for you. Changes into things I desperately did for myself. In the end I couldn’t keep you happy enough.

Since when is it okay to play with feelings. Inspired to erase your fears, always be there. Well. Only when you actually needed me. Read your mind, to bring out the divine, blur the dotted line, making the troubles of your world mines. Kisses down the spine, body and mind aligned. Never felt so alive. Despite it all, still got the call goodbye.

Being conceited, I got what I deserved. A reality check. Thank you. Time to cash in and have some fun. All is said and done, never over with. Who was I to think, I could turn her world upside down with a blink. That I was the savior, with all my shitty behavior. Let me go, wash the dishes in the sink, forced to use my hands to scrub out the mess I made for myself. Here we are, thankfully not hurt, albeit bitter. When the heart starts beating too fast for chest. Got ourselves a quitter. Used every other emotion to protest, protect, deflect, neglect, what was truly felt.

The more we change, the more we stay the same. Contradictions is the only life for me. Vulnerability out of spite.