Second Pair Of Teeth in my Navel

Us versus them. We three are two high to be fighting down in the mud.

Lower you go, events turn trauma dig down and take root in your soul. Don’t believe in souls than If you wake up in the morning and say “Damn, where did the time go”. Chasing youth is how to define old. Looking back finding it hard to figure out, what you did or the facts. Dismissive action turn loose falling skin. Don’t matter, rich on the outside and or hideous within. This is where the second pair of teeth come in. Umbilical cord ripped off early, leaves mind and body weak, better know as pre-mature. Causal winds made weak bones squeak. Mother rushed out the hospital to work, bill to pay next week. Stomach growled for the love of a feast.

Started off in the negative, before I even had my actually set of teeth. Fend for myself ? Where is this power of which you speak. Some adults spend their whole life trying to make a 180 and put one point on the board before death speaks. Us versus them. Most people start off as one, basically against a whole species. Conflicts in history deep seeded. Human life mistreated, the morning will be different if last night you had trouble breathing. Found out my mother’s, mother went through the same troubles while teething. False dreams and hopes rejected. Harshness prerequisite of hostility. Life around us. Couldn’t believe it.

Well versed with death before age of four. Constantly struggle with how to get my weight up. Down for so long, my cloud nine was the embodiment of misery. They say a small bit of poison over time, will help get over the taste. Down that shit impatiently. Hungry to feel something other than pity for me. Satisfied with the lost of vision in my eyes, navigated the whole world differently. I don’t care if you see me, are you feeling me. Ever since then, been hungry for that feeling again. So I eat everything, second pair of teeth in my stomach, although it doesn’t talk. It’s my closest friend.

Two smiles. Body and Mind, perfect physique.

 

Menacing Bowl of Grapes

Let’s say for a minute you’re not Dynasty .

Pretty much worthless. A picture of the sun over the real one, is no misdeed.

Cast a spell, connecting all inner thoughts, associations to the topic, or main statement. Right now we are talking about people and fake shit. This bowl, of grapes lightly drop out the bag, getting washed the toll. Purple fading, won’t last another week. Sat real low in my high chair where they wanted me. These grapes, for all intents and purposes is going to be the death of me. Things that kill me. So many but, few. Devour by the ones not two. Impatience, my time is long overdue. Complements from people, who don’t trust you. Eggs on the face of a clock. Even through the mess, time doesn’t stop. Sweeping through, spreading, harder to clean. Unsweetened ice-cream. All the weight and none of the satisfaction. Magnets that lose their attraction. When you stop being you.

Now, jump through hoops. Handling expensive fragile things. The drop. The misfortune it brings. Telling a humming-bird when and how to sing. Breather slower and slower everything second. Run towards danger without holding a weapon. Take a couple of shot but, accept them. Bad memories, forget about it, repress them. Explain to your friends why you left them. Full off the first plate, here is extra. Ha I lied, all I did was move the rice around the plate just to test ya greedy ass. Prove that you we’re set up. Run from everything you want to love, never let up. Talk about your past, never shut up. Hold onto slipping conversations long enough. Miss the last breath, whispering don’t forget me. Know the pain of a broken toe by breaking a finger. Deceit, cease to linger.

Cross the street, dropping money on the ground. Raise a child that isn’t your own. Go to the mall buy everything, give that shit back. Learn to deal with heart attacks. Listen even while you talk. Carry a rock up a mountain. Plant it at the top. Don’t care about anyone who hates you. Learn to care about nothing. Always be for something. Share a breakfast muffin.

On the last branch. The feeling of running out of something. Animals hunting. Bills due. Fast food. Candy too. Energy to start the day. Stress to keep me awake. Cake mix to bake. Sort had a bad date with fate. Immature over eight. Enough knowledge to know my place.

Doing a whole lot of nothing now. That’s all of the grapes.No mistake, still have the bowl, taste on my tongue has fallen out of favor. The experience wasn’t really for me to savor. Stepped in before the grapes had a chance to naturally meet their maker. Truth be told. Now my stomach hurts. Acid about to burst. The path my life is on can be considerable worst. Things said when pain no longer hurts.

One Chance to Feel Safe

Still amazed our high-school prom is on the roof. Renovations 3 years in the making finally complete, last week. The school staff were itching to put money, ill-advisedly spent into action. Too bad the principal who set this is motion wasn’t here to experience it. The vice principal took her place. The first graduating class to experience this, best believe entitlement flew through the roof. The student body president who graduated last year, set up a construction help comity injunction with school staff and union workers. Hoping they might bear the fruits of their labor. Safe to say this opportunity was made specifically for us.  The venue is more modern that 740 park ave in Manhattan. Even students who didn’t plan on going are changing their minds. Picture this Derek who skips school, got expelled and living with his single mother of 4. Took up a part-time job to make enough money in time. Spot light now mines, red and blue lights, shine. Stilettos and shoes dance on marble floors. Music vibrated out of them upwards into the stars. Suits no ties, well dress, watches and gold necklaces about 150k worth of clothes and accessories alone, in here. Crowds to swim through. Pale in comparison as I walked over to the one that said yes. My one and only chance to be here.

Without her, wouldn’t want to be seen here. She turns around awkwardly. Just the same as me. Here, she isn’t meant to be. The glamor indoctrinated us. This place is something out of a palace. Almost good enough to exalt us. Glowing skin, platinum engraved ring, hair in an Afro, untouched. Echoing steps silence my heart as I walk to her, I’ve been chasing a dream for a while. The color red never looked so good, she didn’t even dress to impress. Although music is the obstacle keeping our minds apart. Body language  chained our hearts together. 5 steps away. Felt her hear race, finally no longer alone, a recognizable face. Smiles, face to face, I’m thinking what she’s thinking now, feeling what she’s feeling.

I can’t help but, stare at him head to toe. Never Seen him so well put together. Standing out even in this atmosphere. Took his sweet time to walk to me, probably just as nervous as I am. I want to hold his hand. Looking deep into eyes that are looking deeper into me. Before I had a chance to say it he’s already reaching for my finger tips. Always gently aggressive. The way he reads my mind, impressive. Suppose to be home tonight  catching up on sleep. How did I let him get to me. To think we would be here. The road unclear forcefully going down memory lane as he pulls me to dance.

As long as I can remember people counted on me. Not sue what is was but, took on responsibility comfortably. At eight cooked the food on my family’s plate. Ten went to the senior center to visit my grandma, months later ended up volunteering. Fourteen all my home girls inspired to be me. Fifteenth champion of the debate team. Seventeen freelance writer for a magazine. Now at eighteen so much depends on me. Never free, trapped by obligations. Worst yet not to many people who understand me. Put up on a pedestal or lassoed to be dragged down. Hard to express myself even when writing. Forced to be everything I’m not. Just wanted to help, sadly it feels like no one can help me.

Then us meeting came to be. I put my head on his chest, he moves it to where his heart beats. My spirit released floats up to watch us dancing. Nothing more than a slow rock back and forth. Only enough attention for a tiny circle. Everything else turns to nothing expect for whats under the spotlight. With you I am at peace, floating a bit off my feet, melt my stress. Open heart confessions. I hate the things closest to me. If you know that you know me and he knows me. What’s on his mind. Look up to him as he’s turning his head. what is he looking at. Ms. Bethany smiling.

Aww youth, look at my favorite student. I don’t know who the young man is but, I’ve never seen her so relaxed. I guess life really does happen out of know where. When everything came crashing down. Ms. Bethany watched over us. We were the first to go. When summer comes, the sheet of ice over the lake cracks as it melts. The roof of the building unstable, under the weight of the students, teachers, chaperons, equipment, tables, food, chairs, granted and marble, it fell.

Turns out the money ill-advised spent meant, that they simple underestimated the project. The student comity was formed to help with constructed under pressure of the principal under pressure from investors at the board of education. Doesn’t matter now. We are all falling weightless. They say during times of crisis true characters have no choices but, to show themselves. Even as falling glass, chunks of rocks cutting my skin underneath my suit, both of my eyes stayed locked onto you. Eleven stories, seven more to go. For the future no hope. Red and blue lights, stilettos, shoes, lobster, crab, champagne and blood. Music still played as we fell. Suits no ties, watches and gold. Mangled limbs, lifeless bodies. In this moment, the last one before we go. Astonish by how you too, never took your eyes off me. Three stories left. Glad I had one last chance to pull you close and smile. Face to face. In life I always second guess the people who say they love you. Right now it’s unquestionable. I see the reflection of me looking back at you, in your eyes. One story left. I don’t want to die.

Do I look Like a Sucker ?

Since when is it okay to play with feelings.  Refuse to send shots, to anyone specific. That’s not healing. Only bitter feelings, dealing. If the shoe fits, shot-gun spray in one direction, if it hits, you were in the way, of me being happy tomorrow. Subsequently after, roll over dead bodies with a tractor. I go over board. That way we both get off being bastards, assholes, cunts. Secretly being over the top is a front, never let anyone hurt your heart more than once. Second time around I’m just as angry at you as I am myself. I feel  you were overly dedicated. Clearly premeditated, I must be dumb. We both refused to see the signs in front of us.

Ohh he’s not going to care. My pain, she’s not going to hear, never talk about it loud enough. He likes to be used, that’s the excuse. Well, might as well, blame it on love. Dove, shot down to be patched back up. It will soar again. Given the circumstances we will never be friends. Hopefully humpty dumpty never sat back on the wall again. Can only pretend for so long, we should have jumped with our eyes closed. Yours stayed open. Doesn’t work unless we both believe, faith is the key ingredient to a home cook meal. Technically from the start, you saw the end.

Like a fool I was blind to it. Everything I put in, turned out useless and you still let me do it. My own fault, all up in my head imagining things. Walked only with my legs. Should have noticed when you told me watch out, then and there. How weird. Guess it must be a six sense. Lied to myself before you had a chance too. Won’t stand, sit, eat, sleep, walking being your best friend. Girl, let me go because, I don’t want to let you go again. If I do, ultimately everything I wanted to do for you. Changes into things I desperately did for myself. In the end I couldn’t keep you happy enough.

Since when is it okay to play with feelings. Inspired to erase your fears, always be there. Well. Only when you actually needed me. Read your mind, to bring out the divine, blur the dotted line, making the troubles of your world mines. Kisses down the spine, body and mind aligned. Never felt so alive. Despite it all, still got the call goodbye.

Being conceited, I got what I deserved. A reality check. Thank you. Time to cash in and have some fun. All is said and done, never over with. Who was I to think, I could turn her world upside down with a blink. That I was the savior, with all my shitty behavior. Let me go, wash the dishes in the sink, forced to use my hands to scrub out the mess I made for myself. Here we are, thankfully not hurt, albeit bitter. When the heart starts beating too fast for chest. Got ourselves a quitter. Used every other emotion to protest, protect, deflect, neglect, what was truly felt.

The more we change, the more we stay the same. Contradictions is the only life for me. Vulnerability out of spite.

Carefully Wished to be lonely

Never careful, with what I wish for. Want it all, then more. How else can you be sure, you got what you’re worth. Not even a piece of mind, to relax my spine. Mommy told me “You deserve less “, Even though, I want only two. Be happy with what you got, honestly an excuse for when unsatisfied, everyone else is telling me what I’m worth. Crazy thing is. It’s not two for me. It’s one for me and one for you. There is a distinct difference between being selfish and achieving a desire, inspire, soar higher. A touchy subject making claims to things, people and places. Let’s stick to knowing what we want, inspire, require and the fulfillment it brings.

Never careful with what I wish for, what reason do I have to let myself be the body stopping me from letting my mornings sing. Tired of waking up, room shaded up. Son. I hope you’re listening. The only thing missing. Went outside, hand scooped some dirt. Carried it in my shirt, traveled through the rain, neighbors thought I was insane, made it up the stairs, now finally here. With this and some seeds, my room will smell like spring. Smell of rain, free air and mowned grass. Shit. Where’s the sun. Guess we’re not done. Poured water, without the shine it won’t be glistening. Cold goose bumps mid winter, chilling.

Now I need, to force a rotation, earth time dilation, for a season with more appreciation for my specific situation. All I did is want, what I want but, it came with a bunch of needs. A ladder to heaven. laid wait, pleasures to be sieged. A change of scene. Flowers to bloom in my room. Sunlight to wake up too.
Instead of.
An alarm clock.

Never careful, strictly harmful. How we unapologetically get in the way of others. What about them? Family, friends, children who have yet to spend a single second on this earth. Well. Now your turf, how I forced mother nature into a crater and pile on the dirt. The same way I’ll do anything for my flowers. Burning gasoline, dull rocks and sticks, a finger with a splinter prick. Wash with soap right after rubbing alcohol. All so when I wake up I can hear laughter in my head. What about them ?Do their dreams not matter. Do you think of anyone but, yourself ?

Viciously disregard emphatic feelings, to yourself these thoughts are treason. Why are you the one stopping you. Let another with a dream come in between.
Try and stop me.

Close my eyes and split a watermelon with a dull rock attached to a stick. Split on the inside. Mommy told me ” you deserve less”. Although I only wanted one. Never careful with what I wish for. Defining my worth, turf. Time will tell you, who and what stops you. When and how, it stops you too.

Lonely dreams to chase.