Fear, You came for me

More to the experience, than meets the eye. First, it starts with a thought. One like any other. “I don’t like this”. Imagine a quiet whisper, followed by the bang of a drum. Vibration circulation action articulation. Body and mind move as one. Dry throat try to swallow. Sweat drip down the back. Still shaking, confidence breaking. No mistaking. A sickness settles in. I’m down for the count my friends. Middle of the chest, slow movement to speed up the heart, a little to the left. Grab it, before it breaks loose. This body is no longer safe. Poison thicker than paint. I downed the bucket like a shot of rum. Live through this a couple of gray hairs are deserved. Fear this sweet strictly unheard. Physical manifestation of my worth.

Anything for a dollar. Tighten the tie around my collar. Pain helped me appreciate breathing. Sensation of leaving, pleasing. Now. I know, I once was, happily on my way.
Convulsions going in an upward motion. This the notion, about to throw up. Better yet hold it in, never leave behind my kin. Mind and body just broke up again. Better than the alternative, showing any signs of weakness. Leave my enemies, happy, speechless. Sickness will forever be a part of me. If I was a tree, let the termites hollow me. All the way through, didn’t think this. Made evil my mistress all because I rather something…sorry someone to sleep with. Miss step in the right direction.

Internal reflection. Learn by inspection. What reasons do I have to put my heart out there, without a care. Unfair trade, constantly targeted for play. Never truly challenged face to face, heart to heart. Left mines to go searching for another in the dark. The unknown, is my life spark. Confident I can always find my way back to me. Loneliness is attracting. From my real problems, detracting. Happiness acting. Always laughing. I want to giggle like a baby from a tickle. Living my life so fickle.

Now I’m afraid of anyone willingly to lend and ear. Do they really care. Afraid to share, even for myself, ear plugs, brought a pair. Got a new tattoo. A scar , willfully put there. Keeps the memory potent whenever I look, until then unaware.

Imagine every time you spoke, the ones closest to you took it as a joke but, your jokes are taken seriously. When ever you felt uneasy they appeared mysteriously. Then again who’s to say the egg came before the chicken. Right in my eye, blind sided by intentions, won’t forget to mention poison is relentless. The greatest test, during time of distressing. Constantly mind messing, character and idea pressing. Around you, couple of seconds of second guessing. Added over time, “I don’t like this” rings louder. Pain trickles down my spine.

Someone to humble me, mumbled me. Obstacles need to grow. I was missing. “You’re actually trying to hurt me ?” I was dissing. Tables turn, lesson burned, looking over my shoulder pissing. Didn’t think their was any reason to go this far. How you pay that guy to ram into my car, my child was in the back seat. Afterwards brought me a cup of juice, help to get loose. Take my mind of things. Really you want to see me fall, never make it all. Perfect.

I need someone to watch me. Been alone up until now thus far. I’ve been trying really hard. Look at all these scars. Please watch me. Never need to go far. Just wanted a home where I didn’t feel so alone. More than just anger, more than just sadness, frustration, sleep deprivation, meanings lost transnational, happiness, pain, pride, joy, every emotion I’ve ever known. Plucked by insanity, slammed back into my heart by gravity. I’ll give you everything. So please help me understand why I feel so guilty for being me.
 

Stuck In the Past

Stuck_

Only natural, looking back on it now. I went back, in the search of something. Still Surprised, found nothing. The future didn’t change the past. Lost opportunities didn’t randomly show up again. Ended up more hurt, than happy. Reason being, I never kept it together. Went with the pressure. Hoping one day, it just might let up.

Hopefully I’ll still be strong enough to stand back on two feet. Muscle atrophy, doesn’t sound as bad as it looks. Lack of Opportunities compounds in intensity, speaking truthfully, the ones I walked away from, turned down, let slip, didn’t take advantage of or simply couldn’t at the time. The toast is already burnt, let it mix with the smell of the apple that’s already rotten. I was so confused as to why it reacted with my body so violently. Should have been the perfect time to, make them new again. Mostly to blame. Sick. Hoping for anything new. Please.

Bad timing was the scapegoat. Too self-absorbed, preoccupied with structuring the events in my life-like sentences. Making them look like rhyming words. So whenever someone asked, “what’s up”. I’ll start to sing. Just how perfect and happy I am and the joy it brings. Skip certain seasons for me. It’s always spring. Trust this bed of lies and the flowers it brings. For whoever receives, fulfill my needs. Plant enough seed and sooner or later you’ll reap the benefits. Damn I look good.

Out here doing exactly what I should. That doesn’t live up to the standard, not an animal, came complete with manners. Refuse to let people know, that really. I’m nothing. Sadly it’s a messed up thing. Digging in the trash for a meal once past. Couldn’t even say I was hungry.

Collected the bones and pieces, scraped chicken, among other solid greases. Arranged them on a plate. All the while reminiscing, how much I enjoyed it at the time. Damn, wish I had that left over slice, thrown out, too full, couldn’t finish it. Currently this glass of water simply isn’t enough. Don’t want toast, didn’t pay attention and let it burn. Got this apple, the day before pizza. It’s too late for it now.

I’m really scared that their isn’t an opportunities on the horizon. The world is always turning, If I lose focus. Might miss it. Giving credit where its due. Eyes been blood-shot open long enough. This is tough. The ground isn’t far enough, still hear the tears at the end of the fall. Splatter, no longer feel them running down my cheeks.

Time didn’t roll back for my consciousness. Once a change, it will never be the same. Present view, framed by history, false allusion to my future. Always a mystery. lived only for tomorrow, dug through sorrow. A chance never had, only borrowed. Stand firm, an opportunity will be created, more than just fated. Stay true to the goal, hopefully. May you never fail too.

Done Hyping Myself Up

Mental space a lot less occupied. Sorted out, rearranged, hard to explain. Thinking about keeping my chest up, is no longer the expression but, the method. To understand, this was never a premonition from a lack of faith decision. Even if I could see this far ahead, the road my life is on, has a lot of curves, in different directions. Walking too long in one direction, protection. My world is flat, thinly one-dimensional. Easier to jump from one dimension to the next. Sometimes shit be falling to pieces, before I have a chance to calmly walk away. Oh look, something new to worry about. Thoughts as I stomp my feet. Forcing the need to leave the presence of power in my wake. Always know, where to catch up to me with every break and shattering crack. I definitely wanted to be found.

The gingerbread man taught me to be proud about this. Run, Run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man. Didn’t want to admit I was playing games, say who I inspired to be instead. My game of hide and seek isn’t as fun when their isn’t a possibility of getting caught. Always throwing shade with a surplus around me. When it came to jumping. Always higher. Trying to jump a couple of worlds, break them in record time. A fake blink here and there. One deliberately slow. I want to blink, don’t need to in this moment. Hide from my eyes what you don’t want to see. The truth, standing and laughing in front of me. Loudly pointing a finger, so it’s unmistakable, you can’t handle me.

Losing focus every time you came around. Faith had faith, reality wasn’t for me. Fantasy. Where I, so-called “choose to be”. With out options, what’s a choice but, a self-conscious awareness that you have no control, here. We go, keeping our heads up, spine straight, eyes forward, focused, calmly speaking loud enough, shoulders down, smile a bit more, starting from a full frown, move slowly, never reveal too much of yourself. Competition shouldn’t know what cards you’re working with. Being you, without actually being you, a shadow of your former self. One that blends in, shadows cover everything. How dare my shadow go for a walk without me, matter of fact my body’s moving, dog on a leash my shadow walked me.

Took me to the park to play, hurrah, more limited freedom. At the park I could see them. People without a leash, relationship between partners are even. Mind and body as close to being one, like a bullet in a gun. Dangerous in the wrong hands. Glad to see real power will never come out and tell you, it’s powerful. Just kind feel it when you see it. Little did I know a shadow can never be in control. Willingly gave away my freedom, to beat them, be them. Look, I’m just like you. Went ahead still, said it because, people just weren’t feeling me. Strangest thing. For a tree to tell you, it’s a tree. Obvious answer, yes.  We can see. Conclusion just be. Brave enough, to let my chest sink in when I’m not feeling confident. Let my shoulders rise to my ears when I’m scared. Open my eyes wide to see the truth.

Easier to explain now, clarity disparity.

Stress Free Clouds

   Challenge me to be different. The only way to pave the way. Hard to stay myself, around others, mesmerized by what makes us different. Funny how being yourself is the difference, subtracted by what makes us the same. How can I explain. I don’t like heights but, my friends do. Around them, higher than I feasible like to be. Although down below, at the bottom where I usually be. Never take my eyes off. Solid ground, every meter up, compounds the feeling. This isn’t really where we need to be. Funny how being up here gave me that clarity.

Like the fact that, up here they don’t worry about a thing. Ohh, what piece of mind that brings. Floating from cloud to cloud. one never quite like the other, in how they bring about the same feeling. Mental healing, all be it fleeting. I’ll be back to myself eventually. The heavy boots I wear, should have been a sign. All the homies rocking socks. Not down in the mud, hidden rocks. Reality is, that much easier to grasp. Never forget to look up and consider if need be, easily discard what makes me, me and be like everyone else. Clouds taste a tab bit bitter than cotton candy. Yet still, a bit too sweet.

Still trucking through the mud. Veins I didn’t know existed, appear as I persisted to move my feet. More to me than meets the eye. Like I always say. Never lose sight of who you want to be, by staying yourself. Walking contradiction you love to move forward but,with every step you complain your feet hurt. Funny to say, just like add muscle and veins. Really, just getting closer to the bottom of me. Pain is present because, I’m scared. Only now able to see. This will mean a lot. Laughter from the clouds a reminder. Whenever ready shed these dirty clothes, wash your hands to wash your face. No, not yet.

Need to accomplish what I set out to do in this space. Find and gather all the rocks, stack them up in one place. Confident once all are collected, the need to keeps boots on, neglect it. My kin is the one who will benefit. Struggle freely then climb the rocks to the clouds on your own.

Who would have thought. Distraction to be stress free clouds.

Now of All Time

Don’t you hate it when someone lies to your face. More so when you catch them during and not after. Actually seeing the mosquito landing on you and taking a bite. It was a low stake conversation, asking for directions, only to be purposely sent the wrong way. Natural instinct is to fight. I hit the mosquito much harder than necessary, out of spite. Really more so because, I didn’t see it coming. What reasons did I have to let my guard down and allow this shit to take place. Deeper inflection, I didn’t have any. Safe to say I let my guard down because, I wanted too.

Mosquito bite on my left temple, the direction I should have went. A constant reminder of how things could have been. If I scratch, a brief moment of levity followed by a life time of gravity. If I don’t, a numbness we don’t want to let settle and get accustom too. Curse the need to be comfortable. That’s when the advantage is taken, first step, in having the upper hand. Can’t be to comfortable around people, too lacked to see your downfall coming. It’s only when their is a lack of trust in myself, I force it onto others. How else can I logically blame them for my trip back down to earth.

From the truth we’re always running. If we picked our friends, technically we didn’t play a direct hand but,we contributed something. Matter of fact not for nothing, even if we tell ourselves, this is a itch you can’t scratch. Really we are bluffing. We do what we want. In this life you deserve to be you. My excuse to transform a want, into  a need. Is it really so wrong to accept and come to terms with our own greed. The need, to want to, be happy. Friends and mosquitoes, to want and to need are concepts in direct opposition.

Yet here I am comparing a friend to a pest, the need to breathe to getting a bitter emotion off my chest. Hard to say for myself I know what’s best. Opposites do attract however, in this case, birds of the same feather, flock together. Feeling comfortable around your own, I rather bite then be bitten, rather claim I need it than learn a lesson. Life just isn’t infested with happiness. Still lost in the low stake conversation, turns out a mirror can not be your friend-enemy, although the refection can you see. look yourself in the eye, only to whisper lie to me. Knowing who you aren’t same as knowing who you are.

On my left temple, a combination of, time, impatience, lack luster will power and left pointer finger. Is all it took to leave a scar. Some of us don’t know just how far we are willing to go to be happy. So much so, we hurt ourselves in the process.