Done Hyping Myself Up

Mental space a lot less occupied. Sorted out, rearranged, hard to explain. Thinking about keeping my chest up, is no longer the expression but, the method. To understand, this was never a premonition from a lack of faith decision. Even if I could see this far ahead, the road my life is on, has a lot of curves, in different directions. Walking too long in one direction, protection. My world is flat, thinly one-dimensional. Easier to jump from one dimension to the next. Sometimes shit be falling to pieces, before I have a chance to calmly walk away. Oh look, something new to worry about. Thoughts as I stomp my feet. Forcing the need to leave the presence of power in my wake. Always know, where to catch up to me with every break and shattering crack. I definitely wanted to be found.

The gingerbread man taught me to be proud about this. Run, Run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man. Didn’t want to admit I was playing games, say who I inspired to be instead. My game of hide and seek isn’t as fun when their isn’t a possibility of getting caught. Always throwing shade with a surplus around me. When it came to jumping. Always higher. Trying to jump a couple of worlds, break them in record time. A fake blink here and there. One deliberately slow. I want to blink, don’t need to in this moment. Hide from my eyes what you don’t want to see. The truth, standing and laughing in front of me. Loudly pointing a finger, so it’s unmistakable, you can’t handle me.

Losing focus every time you came around. Faith had faith, reality wasn’t for me. Fantasy. Where I, so-called “choose to be”. With out options, what’s a choice but, a self-conscious awareness that you have no control, here. We go, keeping our heads up, spine straight, eyes forward, focused, calmly speaking loud enough, shoulders down, smile a bit more, starting from a full frown, move slowly, never reveal too much of yourself. Competition shouldn’t know what cards you’re working with. Being you, without actually being you, a shadow of your former self. One that blends in, shadows cover everything. How dare my shadow go for a walk without me, matter of fact my body’s moving, dog on a leash my shadow walked me.

Took me to the park to play, hurrah, more limited freedom. At the park I could see them. People without a leash, relationship between partners are even. Mind and body as close to being one, like a bullet in a gun. Dangerous in the wrong hands. Glad to see real power will never come out and tell you, it’s powerful. Just kind feel it when you see it. Little did I know a shadow can never be in control. Willingly gave away my freedom, to beat them, be them. Look, I’m just like you. Went ahead still, said it because, people just weren’t feeling me. Strangest thing. For a tree to tell you, it’s a tree. Obvious answer, yes.  We can see. Conclusion just be. Brave enough, to let my chest sink in when I’m not feeling confident. Let my shoulders rise to my ears when I’m scared. Open my eyes wide to see the truth.

Easier to explain now, clarity disparity.

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