We’ve all smiled before, in some resemblance of the feeling, felt happy. As much as I want it for myself, I want it for others as well. Only those closest to me. Everyone isn’t as deserving of happiness. Even me, at times wonder how can, I make the people I care about happy or express in certain terms, how much I care. Seems as if, smiling and what does it mean to smile don’t go hand in hand.
Letting go of my perceptions of the two, after the incident, they no longer hold true. Without direction wondering, lost in my my mind, desperately trying to find the error in my way. Hoping that the cause of it all, isn’t me. Paving my path. Walking backwards into history. You always had a way of making me feel good about life. Not even trying too, more so focused on the outcome of your day. Ended up sticking my nose where kids shouldn’t play. Growing out of my shell, conceitedly thinking I’m doing well. Reciprocity, name of the tunnel I viewed you, in my goal.
To make you feel how, I want you to feel. Happy for as long as you saw fit, just didn’t sit right with me. Unlike the choices you make, never intending to effect anyone. What was transpiring here, solely to effect you. Isn’t that how it works. Gift delivered, smile received, all according to plan. All of the green jelly beans taken care of, hopefully you notice but, don’t overtly acknowledge my hard work. That would be weird, say some shit like
“wow, no green jelly beans, I must be lucky.”
Mind you, it need’s to be subtly and understood by me, for this to work. Hard not to stare expecting something. First store sold them in packets, open the pack, more green than anything. After that waste, went farther to the market. Card declined, the purchase of jelly beans before seemed suspicious to the bank. Standing so long on line, had emotional control unreliant. Put it on credit, card limit forget it. Only after I feel credited. So you see didn’t go through all this trouble “cuz” of me. Best believe from you, I don’t need, nothing. A little something for my troubles, no need for you to allow me to take anything. A smile is all I ask. No appreciation, found in every part of the interaction. Smiled only because, you where laughing.
TV is on, what a distraction from what I’ve done. Angry at me for acting dumb when asked, something is wrong. Never meant anything to me, stop fishing where the fish is absent. Finally feeling the difference, obsessive recollection, highlighted my hubris. Too much of me found in, what is supposed to be done for you. Not getting it, your decisions are all you too. Although excessive amounts of the need to appease you, still not found. I question everything known to me. One step short of questioning myself.
Never actually liking you. Chasing the feel good. Upset that for you, so much done with purpose, while for me. I felt good as a by product. Where is the difference between the two, let me spell it. No appreciations for what I went through, blessing not intended for me still a blessing received. Accept this now or at least pretend to be happy for me. Clearly deserve, continually served disappointment. Stop for a second and actually think, leave the center, place me at the top of your world. A fraction of what I truly want too ask. Not much from you.
All about me, no longer about you