Looking back on it now. The first time a decision was made. An unwitting decision to face the unknown, calling it the unknown now. To proud to admit, you feared, anything at all. Except yourself. You unknowingly walked in the sand. Excuse me for skipping, down the mountains, through the grass, the rocks, over the hills, through tunnels, to caves and even some insects to see you, with glee. You didn’t know, what you were about to discover. We start the cycle over, from the beginning.
“Can we get either a logical or emotional explanation”
“Can we make something up, any wordplay nonsense, that I can use to prescribe unto later. No matter the situation, I can make anything up. A bit slower than lighting on my feet, confidence is willing to learn”
“Setting up the Placebo effect”
“Painting over your own emotional narrative, to fit the story. Capturing moments inside data banks. Drones, search through them, occupying hours of our days, searching for any imperfection. I will stop, at nothing, to find what I want. A piece to my “oh so fancy puzzle”. Nothing better to do, than to plan schemes, ready for anything wasn’t the issue. Only when it came to my safety, did it become a problem. All this before our faces touched, the same rays of light. Just what was I, thinking. All in my head with thoughts of nothing but, myself. It was no wonder, she was as equally confused as I, as to just why, I wandered into her presence, with no “Real” concern, for her at all. Hollow words, entering her thought process, clouding her judgement on you. The moment she landed you knew, the sand was your plan. She showed you, you are no threat to her, she can leave at anytime. Pay you no mind, get on just fine, with her life. Slightly irritated, there is no upper hand in this battle. Back of your mind you don’t care , she’s cute. Then come, here,settle for whatever in life really, you coward type game.
“I finally said “hello”.
“Mind racing, faster than my body. Micro-shivers, on shirtless winter morning’s. I only saw what I wanted to see, me in her. You gotta have enough love for the both of us, not getting none from, the tiny bit I, had to myself. Forgive me I have, never been so sacred before, my heart doesn’t just like beating properly, it needs too. From time to time. For I am standing, on solid stone, no longer but, you showed up, back at the beach. Yes, you are here, interested in parts of me, that don’t matter. This is all, whatever, Lets not flatter. Let me show you, what really matters. Not going to tell you I built this place, stone by cement. The treasures I would like to share with you, can you just come inside. I will pretend I Didn’t know, the door is non-existent.
Not caring too, finding a way, once we make it back. Not budging, the winds brought you back, as if to say, not yet, it isn’t safe. He’s been out here before. Never remembers to forget. Just hasn’t learned his lesson, stay here and play. Just a tad bit close to the boat, for now, his control over me strengths, from time to time. She laughed. Aiming to be a man, I knew I was funny. Caught up in an elaborate game, we both were a part of, I took every number increase on the scoreboard personally. Looking into myself, only to look past it and get to the other side. To my eyes and yours I felt, like their was so much to hide.
Realizing that, although my nature is different, I still resemble that of rest of the world. Lots of designs and structures. lots of time spent thinking of abstract, rigged, minimalist ways to subjugate the natural . Systematic manipulation of anything you can control. My castle was prime example. Carrying a telescope with her, wherever she went. Still won’t let her take credit for spotting it miles away. My type usually doesn’t judge a book by it cover, hopefully it’s only an issue, she can get over. Not even seeing the inside of the castle, I couldn’t understand. what reasons would someone have, to have fun with things just because. The most under appreciated, emphasization of things, barely cared for. With end goals in mind. Even though I cared for everything under the sun. light never touches everything at once.
Somethings remain hidden. Always, insight my treasures, behind stone wall, laid pleasures sieged. I did away with nature and focused on logic. Becoming an obsessive need was too easy, I worked so hard. Numbing my soul first, my hands right after my feet, fell in line. Covering messages with friendly, visually distractions, then noise. Debating on which, rat maze works the best or what camera filter. Showing, I don’t need to impress anyone but, myself. With needs to cover up, self prophesied imperfections finally satisfied, one last time.
I didn’t understand my nature, wanting things to go my way. The optimistic ants, in me said ” Some way some how, I will get this, to give me, what I want”. So I did, just that. Trail, error, learning, refinement, craft and the rage pursing perfection, will ensue. Holding on dearly to, the only string of happiness I , hand to myself. It really seemed like everyone, wanted to fly my kite, letting go quickly when, it got windy. Not realizing when you, quickly start running fast in someone’s periphery, they have no choice but to, turn their heads and prepare for any and all potential threats. Even now, unable to see, projecting my emotions are not going to work, just because. I’m quick to lose focus, I move as if others are much slower. Really, without giving time for them to understand. I move ahead forcefully with all the answers.
Advance persistence made. Ready for anything , scared to tell anyone. Makes others unreliant to know, the details. Not wanting to begin to imagine. A reason as to what transpired. Echoing scars throughout his life not allowing, one, such, as himself. For any reason, to see the reality of the situation for what it is. To think, the last 30 secons of time that just passed. Is the clearest indication of death on the horizon. Every part of his body except, his mind felt, it was time to say goodbye. The light off in my brain, the last thought being, “Anything to believe that”. This guy will definitely let go, I need to be their when that happens. Ready to catch myself, before lost, up in the world.
Every part of my body except, my mind felt it. Without reason, my life is threaten. Parts of me in dangers, unexplained. all it takes, is a tiny circle of hair on your neck moving. “Something almost touch me” and you don’t know what it is. Excuses as to why, I act this way. The mere thought, of stepping on a rock in my slipper, when I just got out of my bed to go pee, at night. Was something I couldn’t stand to fathom, no surprise attacks. Doing you a favor, I emphasize the smallest of problems. In a world of order, anything out of line. Liable to corrupt. Perfecting my craft, assassinated my contempt, in a dream. Who are you, to show me simply how it’s done, when my whole life, I couldn’t do it for myself.
Wake up ready, to play “two truths and lie”. We Dance around, tirelessly lying here and there, not wanting things to be too easy. Telling at least one truth. My type of girl shouldn’t be so easy, to get. Disrupted the flow of communication, between the attraction, laid bombshells of wars past, untaken care of. Just barely seeing the parts of me, I need to see in you. Made me unwilling to want to look. Parts seen trip me up, reliving my past battles, invoked by you. Stepping on my battle shards. We both have no choice to. Live through the pain. Micro-managing my problems. The biggest problem of all, you. Took notes ready to ask questions. All these things you didn’t understand. reconstructed as reasons necessary, for when I want to leave.
Rain hits my arm. First sign of trouble. lighting strikes, soon after I realized I’m back. Dragged into the castle by chains. Arms and legs left to fight alone, not able to come together. Why was I, no longer standing there with you. Alone to suffocate in the rain. I hide behind no doors. Only stones and myself, unable to question the rain. A natural re-occurrence, nothing to do with me. I couldn’t wait for the rain to stop. To satisfy my needs of wanting, first distract yourself of it. The rain can never get it, the sound of it a constant reminder of what is really going on. Toying with my instruments to utilize my notes, under the name of “improvement”. Almost, Like my intent, wasn’t already hard enough to see. Either through innocence or blurry vision, I would like to take in every possible factor before, a judgement can be formed.
The future deliberately unjudgeable. Preemptive strikes meant only to stun, prepared for you. Never following through, more shocked than appalled at, any contempt for me, found in any and every vein. What reason did, the parts of myself, seen in you, have to be so destructive, hurtful and ready to be alone. When I set out to destroy, just that. Swept under a rug and stomped out of existence. The rain wouldn’t let up. Couldn’t take not seeing, you anymore. The cold, thundering outside world, physically in the way. The environment isn’t as fit for play, a little push, to hard is all it takes. Right back next to you, couldn’t believe where I found myself. Under a rainbow with and empty pot of gold. Taken with your warmth and happiness, the rain left you cold and miserable.
Days went by, angst and frustration not reciprocated. You are still here. My notes couldn’t tell me why, you didn’t want to talk to me. Nothing to read from you. The vibe, the fun was never the same. Needing to call out the tension , the only way to make a change, begrudgingly putting my self on the line. The amount of time spent, meant nothing to me, your heart trapped here, with or without the line. Found myself sitting where you stood, no answers, only questions provided. Why did I run. I did no such thing, scars of being dragged around freshly healed, accusations helping to channel and misplace the pain. Straight from her heart to yours, the unballed fist, a fist once more. She believed she was done fighting. A soft touch to some, no different from a fist to the face to others.
Tired of the constant exchange, same head butting routine. She wanted answers before, no longer willing to stay here anymore, hope takes you so far. Explained to the pseudo innocent me, you’re punches may be soft and playful. Constantly hitting my funny bone will cause it to fracture, I desire to laugh just as much as you. Not laughed at, as much you want me to. Is it too much to ask that you, hit my other needs with the same frequency and accuracy. The same softness used to show me its alright, never used for anything else. You never change, fun, constantly before the brain, pain lagging behind right after. Who was I to you, a tool to use or a demonstration of expertly bruise. I find so much joy behind your convictions, hard to believe your mind and heart don’t listen. Only but, one thing from your paradise is missing. The willingness to question. Acceptance as a “welcome mat”, can not discern friend from foe, to busying being stepped while letting them in with a smile.
Dealing with both equally, means unfair trails and tribulations. Sending for others to come, forgetting that I traveled a mile to get here before you even cared. No feelings spared taking in what I wanted to hear, found myself unable to clap back. Caught off guard, the rain almost washed over me. I couldn’t let that happen, dragged back up the mountain. Since this is a concept in my mind. In the castle, where I was supposed to be. A sledge-hammer laid in wait for me.
” What is this supposed to be”
“A bit less of a weapon, more of a tool to reach the end.”
“The rain stop already. Why are we here, while she is making her way back to the shore”
“Drizzle you can’t see, tiny arrows to sensitive skin. Staying here won’t let the water creep within.”
I need to find a way out, stopping her and at nothing, searching unable to find anything. Neglecting everything solely, for what you want specifically. Questions ready for everything, it could be here, but surely wasn’t. Understanding myself, is a lot more difficult than I thought. A lock with no key, a home with no door, escape the room with no exit and feelings without an outlet.
” Just who, what, where, when and how was I”
“Through time, actions show the answers”
Using the sledge-hammer, destroying the wall, to reach the boat. Opportunity fading with time, the boat now on the water, afloat. Confusion is frustration and every swing, acting as the physical manifestation, nothing stood a chance. Each hit, making the hammer more conceited and heavier than the last, the ground beneath vanished. Basement door at the center of all, the rage against myself, guided me here. Broken before I even had a chance to realize, half of me is more than ready for war.
“Self destruction will not be tolerated, take his weapon’s and confiscate them. This is a game no more”.
” I don’t preach peace and positivity. Going out into the world looking to be just as much selfless as selfish. Didn’t want to suspect weapons being made, during times of peace. I had a hammer still in had. I destroyed an entire castle basically to make a door. The hammer being only one, of many more, everything created secretly used to destroy. Any sign of a threaten, a chance to put these weapons to the test. Things were good until I no longer wanted them to be, waiting for change isn’t the way I make it”
weapons no longer, my exposed heart covered itself up quickly. The dust settled in my lungs and on the ground, shot into the sky. Ripped out of me tiny pieces, no bigger than pores in my skin. Still unready to face what I can’t handle. A new prison surrounded me, a house of glass. Skipping lessons while learning your lesson only results in a difference, not a change. The difference here, is the door to incarceration. A mirror into myself shouldn’t be here, hammer castle sized now, shattered slightly before impact.
“Why is this plexiglass here, more confused than comfortable”.
“Remember the goal”
Starting from the beginning, this time. Down the mountain, up the waterfall, through the trees, around the swamp to meadows. Flowers plucked. Flowing with the river, to the shore, a mile swam to reach the boat. Presenting a flower, untouched by salt. No longer wanting to be a king with my queen’s crown.