I never realized. Just how much of my own misfortune, in life is predicated by my own feelings, thoughts and actions. My feelings are never clear in the beginning. My thoughts take them and pick them apart. My actions come from the conclusion of my interpretation. My inability to face my feelings, left my actions without thoughts. Hollow and without purpose. Look, someone in the eyes, you have no choice but, to feel something. That being said, the inability to face myself and see who I truly was. Wasn’t acknowledged until I met her. We will call her ” Strictly by her name”.
Whenever I looked into her eyes. I saw something deep within myself. It wasn’t clear. It was misty and every changing, waiting for the day it can reveal itself. That day came when I looked her in the eyes and instinctively pulled back. The mist was no more. A tropical island with a lone castle at the top. Took its place.
“My feelings always manifest itself as thoughts and patterns“
“This is what I’m thinking when I see her. This is what I didn’t want to feel or face. So, I turned away.“
” I want to be able to look her in the eyes, with confidence, without worry without fear.”
“To do that, understanding this construct and the meaning behind the feeling is the only way“
The entire island is an extension of my being. The plants, geography, everything insight was and is a part of me. To understand the island is to understand me. The castle had no exit. I never stepped foot outside. What reason did I have? Comfortable with the known, the unknown didn’t matter. Every crack within the cold stone was categorized and cared for. I knew myself and the parts known were all too wonderful. The outside looked medieval, imposing and unpleasant. The inside was full of modern, heck futuristic amenities. Diverse luxuries dispersed throughout.
You didn‘t like me, it was your own fault. You didn’t take the time to get to know me. You saw the castle walls, said you knew it all. Decided, I wasn’t worth the trouble at all. Never took it as an issue, I wouldn’t get along, with people who judged a book by its cover anyway, never looking to understand. The castle worked in my favor.
I was chilling having fun, all be it by my lonesome. Happy with myself before others had a chance too.……Her boat hit my shore.
She stepped out, almost as if in slow motion.
“I was so fixated, taking in as much of the moment as possible. Time slowed for me “
The way she moved. Her emotive and expressive personality. Care free, unconcerned with outside opinion. Playful and beautiful. The wind picked up and sent sand headed straight towards her. She danced, flowing around and through, each segment, missing her ever so slightly. It wasn’t a threat to her, she played with it. On second look, no foot prints were left in the sand as she walked.
“Ohh, I’m just seeing things, I need to lay off that shittt “
She started skipping, jumped to the top of the tree. Looked directly at me from miles away. Smirked, turned her head, uncovered her hair and shook it. Almost as if to say, I see you, over there interested, you can’t accomplish thing way over there. Why not come here? Then just like that the wind carried her somewhere else.
I have to meet her. I have to know more. Who was she!
For the first time, I found myself outside of the castle.