Clever Savagery

Take a full step back and picture yourself. On that picture, imagine me.

Nameless and faceless. As blank as a canvas can be. Use these words as outlines and color them, however you want them to be. Needless to say. This experience is now yours. It will follow you, one day you might need it, for sure ?

If outlines, sudden picture, confine spaces. Braces this, keep turning the pages. For sure, a blank page, all for you at the end. Method to chase this, read into the first pages. When did the moment sparking the situation being. The letters “cur” jumping to conclusions, all I thought of was “curse ” already negative. Feelings towards this book disperse. Things did get a little better when I, actually say the word “curator “. Apologizes owed. Mistake softly spoken or loudly told. Magic between the two, watch and see the difference. Smoke and mirrors targeted towards my fears and pleasures. Red already in hand so many fire hydrants and trucks here. Next page, crowd of people not an Afro insight. No color choice free from a heavy suggestion. Table of content or association questions.

Forget it, no regressing. Steady turn the pages forwards. Learning new lessons. Waiting for the time when I can use the colors I want to use. Express a simple mood. Sad to say when given the book, it’s a loose, loose.Retain this information, no excuse. Structures put in place making it harder to move. Color, outside the lines ? there is no room. The picture one imagines for themselves. Doom. Till Vroom. Stick through it, stay extra aware when you,” just do it”.

keeping track of the methods and designs. Read in between the lines. Soon to be a clearer more vibrant picture. Unmistakable to many, proof got plenty. Little left up to second guessing. Neon red bricks, It’s usually red. Wanting, the knowledge of knowing to be all over the rest of the book prevalent. Rarely used, fear kept up at night focused. Pleasure more often than not, denied. Bumps on the way, followed the plot to this spot. Second to final page of the book.

What did you learn ? What did you see ? After seeing the occupations in this coloring book, what would you like to be ?

Well gee. Someone who follows rules and directions, moves with precision and adds the right colors where they need be. A simple life, with a passive experience. That’s the one please. On the last page, I drew things never seen. Colored them nicely. This experince is mines now, the book nostalgic memories. No longer for me.

Fire On The Bathroom Curtains

How could this happen, The light popped. Sparked the whole thing.

Pitch black shadows rage about. A fire exist. As long as there is fire. There is something to burn. Smoke so heavy it falls down, thick fog of ash stuck to the floor. Mosquito bite bruises on my legs caused me to remember. Nostalgia for days when the bathroom light wasn’t so bright. A yellow hue. One closer to you my sun. Blocked by memories of how it all ended before it began. Only natural, vivid sensations, could almost take a bite out of the texture. Turn psychological problems for my splendor.

Just trying to bite into something a little less bitter. Pain became part of the solution. The ground won’t hurt while I uproot this parsley. They say vegetable are good for you. making up an analogy to explain why. Eating only slightly boiled broccoli, just going to assume if I’m eating and it hurts I’m doing something wrong. Any agitation, look towards, as if it was a location. First key patience, usually eat food easy to chew, had fun with food, humming a tune. With this right here, that’s what’s not to do. Slow chew, serious food. Realized there is no need to really dig in my tooth, Gotta grind the treasure loose.

No excuse, taste bud shocked, spoiled kid, tried to puke. Willing waste time, won’t get rid of the loot. Closed eyes follow through. Remember we are only eating broccoli. Breakfast before dinner, right after, the end of the world. Covered my feet. Rushed to the window. Opened, Fresh air rode in on the wind. Turn the pipes on right after I clogged the drain. Shower curtain embers, falling on the carpet. Paper towels catch the heat like a mosh pit.

Launch water from the sink. Honestly, situation was done in a blink. Always remind by the soot rink around shit. Actually mad. Shouldn’t have brought that light into my house in the first place. Damn shame. Not knowing the future is to blame. Got this blue sterile light on for a couple of seconds a day. Afraid the wiring might misbehave.

Bitches, hoes, Money and Woes

What did you forget?

Remembered. Only after, you’ve forgotten again. Memories moving in a geometric flow. Patterns explode. And there “I” go. Trapped in a Time capsule. Buried when ? Only the memory knows, never shows. Left with only a couple of words. Whenever told, sounds absurd. ” I’ve felt this before”. Only just touched down on the moon. It was an onion that put me in this mood. Cut of the ends, reveal the circles within. Symmetry, remove the skin. Only just the slightest cut. Tears flowing into ducts. Road ahead is still a must. Cleanly Sliced into two, put the halves back together, stuck like glue. No one would have knew.

Remind me, my other half is missing, A third of me gone. Down to two. First things first stay well slept, if you decide to mess with a bitch, that’s mad, she ain’t a hoe. Please forget the particular people that don this cloak. Like to be mad the moment, they are woke. Range from anything to a joke, or out of turn, someone, spoke. They lucid dream onto the scene, do anything to break that, you’re the one being mean. So I’ll set myself up, enjoy the rush nothing better than a reason to commit treason. Attitude change like the seasons. Close attention feel it coming. Even in a dream you don’t have full control.

Lost in this onion scroll. Dicing now, regain self control. Onion only just a minute ago used to be whole. Meant as a joke, the moment it entered the premises, the future became history. The onions that, only just, died here ? Ain’t no list for me. Finish, use the next one, to remember when the last one was whole, complete. What a feat put life on metaphoric repeat. Cut off the ends, reveal the circles within, scan top to bottom, the smallest circle out of symmetry. Forget the day you lived life like a hamster, a bump hit my ball, causing me to fall out and see.

Blinded by the broken glass, couldn’t read the situation. Hoes get to you, no capacity for patients. Even for myself. Always feeling sick. Love to chase the get well. Suit of armor for anyone who wants to live life at a faster pace. Understanding death is one of these days. Get to the goal literal race, no face to face on the go. Got to run up besides and see only half the face. Thank goodness I run backwards fast with grace. Practice running from problems putting the future behind me. Focused on the past, although from this far away everything looks so tiny. That ball was more than a home, everything I knew.

Whatevers in the way, be it pain. Cut loose. Cut one Cut two. Dicing. Almost through. Onion all exposed, multiple faces. Who they really are ? Can’t seem to know. Whole lot of nothing and it shows. Yet still love me some cubes. So much to know. More cuts, more parts of myself to be exposed. Lets not get lost on the road, 13 more onions to go. Cutting my way up the food pyramid. I want me a wholesome girl. Yet still refuse to cut the shit.

We got problems. I admit.

Forever A stone

The ground is my home. Personality a stone, safe to say you can find me everywhere without looking. To the abundant pointlessness of it all. Blinded by a dream. little more than a scheme, plot the essence of life, see why mother nature said it’s not meant for me. I was born by being chipped of the rock that helps keeps you stuck next to a hard place. Unfortunate events, or karma coming to collect. Debt to my intellect, didn’t take up offend. A tiny pebble verse the world. A little rough around the edges searching for meaning. Wasn’t in control of my fate, so nature’s law, move or hold me in place.

Next to the rock. Stuck in one spot is where I continued. Shaded by what should and could have been you. New experiences past due, sold on the idea of rain that move side ways. Tired of my lot it life, breaking down, trying to have it my way. This all has to be for something. Stars never align on the night of a blue moon. A piece of me snapped and left back, no time to think, wind got me on the move. Question the terrain I travel through. Boulders bigger than me that can’t move. Every new choice in life, hit with “what should I do”. Continued to move. Edges continued to smooth. Rolled through grass, dirt, mountain turf, mud was the worst. The feeling lurked, Still know nothing about this earth.

Grass a gift and a curse, roll through easy a present from the gods. Get lost, freedom is what robbed you. Blades of green, a door to be opened, only to find several more. Hard to yes to one thing and say no to many, many more. Dirt kinda hurt. When I rolled, it rolled me. Matched pressured, chipped off tiny pieces. The longer I stayed the more ready I would be for fate. Constantly move at a steady pace. Yet with every grind, tiny hill that took me high. The parts I lost, made me harder to recognize. Reach the end and lose myself. Won’t do that or compromise.

Mountains I went up only to go back down. Got used to the feeling of controlling my elevation. Mud like a slug slow dragging everything down. Guilt didn’t make it better, lets call it constant rain on a parade. Without it though. Won’t have realized even a plant has the chance to grow in the shade.

At shore. I was sure. Life has much more in-store. Pebble on the waves or bottom of the ocean.

Flight Fatigue

Solid ground first and foremost. Each footstep a reminder of who paved the way. Never seen my own footsteps in front of me. Even when I’ve come full circle, its hard to say. Attention to the minor details I never pay. Association with obsession a price, a fingerprint might cost. Searching to find better days, lost in a lot of nothing. Hopefully still on the way. Leave covered trees, plants growing from no seeds, light helps to only grow the stubborn weeds. To the terror I must speak, showing you puts me out in the open. Closed door, dare peep. Animals roam out here, more than sheep. Mush the ground, crisp the air.

In this game, nothing is really what it seems.

Trapped By Words

Listen, a necessity for those that want to be heard.

Your thought process can follow the pattern of spoken word. A little bit of you in everything you do. Wake up in the morning, brush your teeth before you eat food. Shower before you go outside for a run. Start off fresh, followed up by a mess. Anything you do someone might suspect. That sounds just like him, call the guards and the watchdogs, lets teach him some respect. Social interactions , a whole life to protect. Sharp while I digress. Least suspect, anyone. Open a brain, pick it like a multiple choice test.  Who I am, continually left open-ended. Life experience will be changed by a couple of sentences. Story, once left up to you, turned coloring book. Enemies make due.

Really flipped the script, turn events sadistic with a couple of words falling off your lips. Thought we we’re in this together but, you’ve never seen a sinking ship. Full speed ahead under-board. Death in cold water UN-insured. Death by jealous probability forever more. Survivors guilty sets in while you’re still trying to survive. Watch how feelings and precious moments take a nose drive into cold ice. You can do nothing, avert eyes. Water, grab on tight. More than possible, to carry escaping mayhem. Bed frame, rusted paint, hits, almost faints. Used to be held up by all this weight. Defeat can’t be smelt nose are clogged. End of the story, me drowning like a log. Turn fog. Jump, craving the victory you’ve been missing.

How to guide, turn survivor edition. Eye of the storm, false bliss. Traveling through last stretch puff up chest. At times like this. Remembering all issues, opportunities seldom benefits.  Bubble floating up, lost of breath. Clothes, heavy, constricting. Midnight blue into a darker hue. Swept. Since before dismay, chaos or disarray view of the world never been the same. Penny for my thoughts, told mom to keep the change. Uncharted path I’m on can’t be explain. Solid ground, oasis of happiness to be found. Here I can’t drown. Swim when death makes a sound. The ship is completely under. Life is being suffocated. Light beams in through the surface. Making sure to highlight tragedy. Too many shades of blue to count. Think of a way to make it out.

Paddle in, kick out. Movement of a body unable to run. In doubt. Growing up, the worst was a rain cloud. Pressure from all around. Imagine 360 degree storm cloud. Moving forward when it’s complete dark around. Unconscious of up or down. Lack of feeling compounds. What am I searching for. Not a child here to explore, just searching for more, for warmth. Despite the 180 done in the face of death. Mistakes only time can stress. Hope to make it out, feeling shorten of breath.

Menacing Bowl of Grapes

Let’s say for a minute you’re not Dynasty .

Pretty much worthless. A picture of the sun over the real one, is no misdeed.

Cast a spell, connecting all inner thoughts, associations to the topic, or main statement. Right now we are talking about people and fake shit. This bowl, of grapes lightly drop out the bag, getting washed the toll. Purple fading, won’t last another week. Sat real low in my high chair where they wanted me. These grapes, for all intents and purposes is going to be the death of me. Things that kill me. So many but, few. Devour by the ones not two. Impatience, my time is long overdue. Complements from people, who don’t trust you. Eggs on the face of a clock. Even through the mess, time doesn’t stop. Sweeping through, spreading, harder to clean. Unsweetened ice-cream. All the weight and none of the satisfaction. Magnets that lose their attraction. When you stop being you.

Now, jump through hoops. Handling expensive fragile things. The drop. The misfortune it brings. Telling a humming-bird when and how to sing. Breather slower and slower everything second. Run towards danger without holding a weapon. Take a couple of shot but, accept them. Bad memories, forget about it, repress them. Explain to your friends why you left them. Full off the first plate, here is extra. Ha I lied, all I did was move the rice around the plate just to test ya greedy ass. Prove that you we’re set up. Run from everything you want to love, never let up. Talk about your past, never shut up. Hold onto slipping conversations long enough. Miss the last breath, whispering don’t forget me. Know the pain of a broken toe by breaking a finger. Deceit, cease to linger.

Cross the street, dropping money on the ground. Raise a child that isn’t your own. Go to the mall buy everything, give that shit back. Learn to deal with heart attacks. Listen even while you talk. Carry a rock up a mountain. Plant it at the top. Don’t care about anyone who hates you. Learn to care about nothing. Always be for something. Share a breakfast muffin.

On the last branch. The feeling of running out of something. Animals hunting. Bills due. Fast food. Candy too. Energy to start the day. Stress to keep me awake. Cake mix to bake. Sort had a bad date with fate. Immature over eight. Enough knowledge to know my place.

Doing a whole lot of nothing now. That’s all of the grapes.No mistake, still have the bowl, taste on my tongue has fallen out of favor. The experience wasn’t really for me to savor. Stepped in before the grapes had a chance to naturally meet their maker. Truth be told. Now my stomach hurts. Acid about to burst. The path my life is on can be considerable worst. Things said when pain no longer hurts.

Mindless pleasures

Stand still for a minute. Think about anything.

Just not how you’re standing.

Habitual ritual, deserves some explanation. A couple of steps back. Begin tracing, let’s call it. When the season change. See the earth is not yours it mines, took me a long time. Next stop the top of it. keeping eyes open during the drop. Seen it all.

First the beginning of Fall. All my deep seeded troubles lead back to a time when I was clueless to the movement of the wind. Whispers as attacks are harder to shake off, let the weight off and make off with a sprint. Face plant, trapped in a box,. Poked holes, my image, self-worth, pride, desires, personality traits hard-wired. Could have said you can’t change a tire, patience Stretched thin. Real me coming out the seems. Ready to devour all the lines and everything in between. Abuse, more quietly mistreat, tornado of soot. Whole front half covered, other side is clean, there I planted a seed trying to grow a tree. You don’t even have your own back covered. Fearless one must be, turn a blind eye, let it lay witness to why trees have falling leaves. Old habits that couldn’t make it, colors on the ground beautiful. Cannibal leaves take place. Grow with haste, all about the chase. Winter whispers on the way.

Seen the end and all.  Frozen in mid-air nothing can fall. Holding on tight, grabbed onto the fabric of life. Slow inducing fright. Time likes to play, it sure played me. When I hit, i’ll shatter like glass, anything touched on the way down broken too, unintelligible. Luck on the side, put me back together, had to learn, with what this weather concerns with. wrong elements create tension when mixed, all ready fixed, won’t play pretend. Mistakes figured, so long retention. Back in action. Stay up on the count of peeps, sugary sweet. Every slight twitch, you been caught by “distract “. The whole story just been faxed. Whatever you do left up to interpretation, that mines now in fact. Saw a child pass and you walked right after him. Such a shame, presentation to blame, slow footage warps brain. Slightly different perspective on things. Movement is proof. Specially in cold rain. Dirt inspector. Turn heat injector. Spring trifecta.

Flowers, warmth and grievance. Hindsight achievements now that winter is leaving. Transaction, sold everything I believed in. For a feeling this pleasing. No receipts. Worried by how long this will last. Got what I wanted, never want what I got. Middle of a meadow found a spot. Put your heart at the center of it all. Didn’t do it right unless I catch anxiety while breathing. So little to believe in. Arrangement of the presentation eye candy decoration. Real fruit mixed in with fake fruit on the dinner table. Pick one that doesn’t hurt when you eat. Starve for 40 days, everything hurts when you eat it. Over abundance, nuance redundant. Giving really is a fearsome trap in fact. Guilt, reason for the UN-relax. Went through life taking whatever they gave me, save me. Inch given mile taken,Spring of happiness needs time for relapsing. Sleep with your back towards the world face in a pillow, the tree I see, you’ve grown into is a weeping willow.

Summer the pseudo hero.  Heat once consider a miracle, spiritual, circle of life spherical. Now I hate the innocence in a child’s eyes. Reflection in the mirror too over baring. More distant between the earth and the sun is what there should be.The sun, anything I every wanted for me. Getting to close, watch how what I want is the very thing that burns me. Confusion concerns me, slightly more innocent than anger. Hoping no body heard me. The way this heat is going, you can cook an egg on the ground. Might not like how that sounds but, if the egg is what you gave birth. People will steal and make sounds much worst. All your hard work ended up in a hearse. Misconstrued her say. Dare say. I’ll miss pay.

Now think about how you aren’t standing.

Line me up for the flex

Easy to be upset, hard to forget. Less stress equals more blessed. Better tomorrow pressed. A known associate of mines, okay a family friend. Alright, my own ***** tried to set me up. Set me up how and for what you ask, a never-ending question the answer must be explored like a jungle not toured like a museum. History scattered, remains intact, feeling some thing is missing, hidden or too distant, keeps me driven. I drove right into a village whose history is a constant pilgrimage. Left behind, to play catch up, forgotten self sabotage makes sure a realization never adds up to the truth. Whatever that maybe for you. Justification to blame others for his problems. This is my answer, this essay written to fight the truth, disprove and let loose feelings forming into a noose. The conversation starts off regular, how was your day ? How are you today ? No, I didn’t know about that. Regularity sets the pace.

As I walk away, back turned heading down the stairs. He calls my name. Some what strange. Like he knew but, didn’t know who he was talking too exactly.  Since you heading that direction, go check in the bathroom, look up at the ceiling, tell me if water is dripping. Okay, you want what ? now ? Check the bathroom ceiling and see if water is still leaking. Still ? Without searching for it intentions subtly revealed. Intentions and outcomes is a wholesome meal. Let them tell you, instead of telling them what they are doing. Too many chefs ruin the pot and I like to eat a lot. I’ll hold this small spot on the ground and sit there. You’ll tell me everything you want me to hear. I’m prepared.

In the bathroom there is a bucket under the leak. Lord bucket, captured by mystique. Silent form of grief. When unable to speak, will be felt rolling in the sheets trying to sleep. A task already completed, my reasoning defeated, there I stood with a half empty bucket. Still didn’t see the issue we have time before we need to switch the bucket it out, when it doubt positivity comes out.

I come back up. Before I even tell him, he’s already answering his own questions. The water there ? It’s still leaking ? The bucket I put there filled ? Wasn’t fast enough to reply, listened to the rest of the monologue. He sucks his teeth, looks away and tightens his fist, rage locked in his glints. I ask…..

You just wanted me to tell you ?

No, no I just wanted to know if it was leaking and where the leak is coming from. Line me up for the flex, Shoot the messenger. Lately, whenever I enter the room the conversation turn frustration. Exit and it starts dissipating. To cope, I lie. Everyone just hating.

Appetizers for lunch

This whole thing is not good enough. Honest with myself, yet never true enough. I hide while you decide, only natural when we face life stuck on pride. I’m ashamed of nothing, we weren’t always ride or die. Throw a rock and hide. You never really put your differences aside, to work together. We need. Compromise with some lies. In the moment is fine,  sadly I knew this duct taped heart-break would come undo in due time. You read between the lines and I just read them. Still won’t blame you for, our actions towards other people.

Only when we miss treat them. Leave them and deceive them. You worked hard on shining this armor. I too become pissed off hen I see chinks in it. Attacks come from everywhere, blind side, the distance. Go on the chase mile ran, more like ate. Main course the shooter, on a plate, wait how is the sniper smaller in person. Now this where I start cursing. All this energy, time and effort spent for what and you still gotta fix the armor. Reacting never adapting.

Trapping never relaxing. We got some rules to set a future to protect. Life will have a shit storm and leave you to clean up the mess. If we do this we do it for the best. We don’t have time to regress. Simply can’t , make progress being satisfied with what you achieved. Happiness is a fun chase, I believe. Catch and release, hide and go seek, Speak and believe. Two faced is no longer what we shall be. Only state a claim once we both agree. I won’t lie to you saying “no, I agree to this”. Overpower guilty pleasure, secret measure. Appetizers for the soul written into letters.

Under Attack ?

I really like this.

I really want this shit. Matter of fact, briefcase full of evidence packed. I need this borderline obsession. Add to my collection of feelings. Emptiness pleasing, lackluster gold upheaval. Bewitched not by evil, something less deceitful, an equal. Precursor to the squeal. Me trying my best to be content, wear my smile right. Happiness represents an opportunity for conformity, so be it. As long as I’m not alone with me. Oh shit you just so happen to have what I want.

Excuse my french,  what I need. Slide right next to you, unexpected too. Surprise, pee a boo, now you’re a target too. Flattery coated in chatter slams against the brain faster than fast. By chance, my carefully elaborate diversion, you won’t notice my glance. For in my eyes contains the plans for retreat when the royals crown is missing. Hopefully it won’t come to this, the easier the better. Together we’ll drink and sing, forget all types of things. Leaving room for the realization to be the sole focus.

Any and all achievements accredited to you, better suited on me. I hope sooner rather than later you’ll see. My pseudo king, Funny how you wonder.

” people really hate me”

Conceited in thought and gains. For no one would cry or care to say your name had you died in a plane. For they hate the world. I do too. With you’re playing cards, I’ll finally make all my dreams come true. Stole a slice from the pie of happiness, then poisoned the rest.

Sit Down

porch_2

Tear drop falls into a pool of water, ripple effect. A calm, alertness. The human body is mostly comprised of water. The feeling of someone talking directly to you. Almost through you. ” What’s he going to say next”. Nothing else matters expect that. Next few seconds listen intently in fact. Tunnel vision, know where I gotta go. Well known, what I gotta do. Driven down this road before, focused on distractions in the rear view. This time the ride down is accompanied by a water drop. ” Wasn’t crying, only one tear got away”. Ways to deny the fact you’ve reached your lowest point. Stead fast to the bottom.

Lower than your boot. This pain, shame, weighing heavy on the brain will take root. Tear drop soaked into the ground and hit’s roots. Inflections get deep. Reaches parts of you unknown and unseen. Never Remembering that in complete darkness, better yet the absence of light. Everything is everything, not a single difference in sight. Nothing. Inside I felt nothing at the time, certainly better than something.
” I’m tired of feeling so empty, so used, mistreated, confused, suppressed urges to lash out, be rude”.
Swore to never be that type of dude.

Realizing promises are formed with either or intentions. To be broken or to be kept. My intentions, where to smash their faces in and have them slept on. Lifeless bodies, unrecognizable only mothers wept on. Sometimes you have too, let yourself get upset. Up to the challenge I must step, how can I get mad when, Promises to myself are un-kept. Two drops in the water, twice as alert, slightly unsettled. Water starting to boil in a kettle.

Tired to cover my heart with metal. No in, No out. Air and liquid still made it in, water in the dirt never hurt. Almost time for the roots to give birth. Impatience is the worst, lesson I’ve rehearsed. Still don’t quite get it. Forget it, pretend to get the mind off things, ohh how that brings you right back to square one. We stay here like it’s fun, done, out ready to run. Three tears drops are a pattern, after the third another six more will come. Speaking directly to me now.

Extremely unsettling, more life threatening. Armor around my heart is coming undone. No longer peaceful. Kettle, heat filled. Pridefully steams out, scream out. Ran outside with red eyes. Everything sucks but, not enough to cry about. Temporarily run away from home. Leave behind everything. Sadly this is a metaphor for the body. Won’t happen unless one becomes godly. What ended up happening is me running a couple blocks. Thinking something along the lines of unfair. I don’t care. Even this far I still hear the kettle on the stove. Since it’s mines, no one else knows.

Do you hear that ?

Not quite, what do you mean ? The bird humming ?”

Lol probably someone’s phone.

My problems always seem tame in comparison. Stand on the street corner unable to decided the time. I should self sacrifice to the garrison. Even when low, you can still get lower, I wish tomorrow will come a little bit slower. I know life isn’t fair however, when other people go out of their way to make things worst, the troll it takes on your soul happens gradually. The same way I do what I gotta do, so I can stay me and be happen, is the same way I gotta let other people do what they do, even if their outcome and intentions effect my life drastically.

One question came to mind when I learned my lesson. Would you rather build or destroy ? Impatience tested my creditably. Be the best possible version of myself. Silly me the completion was always me. So I walked back home, open the door and locked it behind me. I’m not going anywhere, until I can deal with all of my problems and still sleep soundly. Attack me if you will, devour it all, while staying unaffected. Profoundly.